Lawful Good?

…I described myself as any good D&D-loving girl properly raised by a prosecutor would — “lawful good.” Knowing me as well as he did, he said, “Now, now, you vaporize medical marijuana to help you with your MS! That’s still federally illegal! Does that make you feel nervous, or bad still? Surely not. You’ve gotta be ‘neutral good’ by now.”

Truth of the matter is, even though I know that I am doing something medically proper in my state and something that helps me every single time I use it to not feel absurd amounts of pain, I feel like a horrible person each time I use marijuana because I was programmed by my parents so hardcore not to do it and I caused so much trouble for other children who smoked weed as a kid. I think about how many kids got grounded and yelled at because of me, and I worry about being targeted by the DEA because of how openly I’m willing to talk about my use on the internet, even though every person with multiple sclerosis or epilepsy (either or both) ought to be allowed to have medicinal marijuana. It helps.

But then he said something that blew my mind. “If you ever feel bad, look at the members of Congress. Every law ever written came from guys like those.”

That statement made me realize that my guilt was based on the instinctive belief in the moral infallibility of legislators. All legislators are politicians. And politicians are not known for their moral infallibility.

It is deeply flawed thinking to believe that the law is always just or right or on our side.

*deep sigh*

I know, I sound like Dale Gribble. But I really believed that the government was our friend and that everything was just fine until just recently.

It’s really not fine with me at this point.

Not when we can’t fire the congresspeople who don’t do their jobs or who betray us and instead we have to wait till the next election. Not when we have no restrictions on Wall Street where people can short sell the market for billions. Not where the insurance industry makes the disabled pay more for their insurance and medication than the government provides, so they necessarily become homeless and die so that the rich don’t have to think about them anymore. Not when the 4th Amendment is becoming more and more of a lie.

I believe in the America that my Grandfathers fought for. I believe in the one that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. marched and died for, and I believe in one that can I proudly, patriotically can call home, where the government does not seek to further divide the classes. I believe in a United States of America, where we work together as citizens to stop the oppression of the lower class and middle classes, and take proud, peaceful action together to care for one another as the family that we are.

That’s just not the America that I’m living in. Yet.

Credit, it all of its forms.

First, credit where credit is due!


Seriously, words can’t describe how proud I am of my brother. He is as smart as can be, twice as clever, and is going to make an excellent attorney. Though I doubt he’ll have as much *fun* practicing as I would, since he’s interested in business, international relations, finance, securities, and the like. He’s going to be making money. 🙂 (What? We can’t all use our advanced degrees to get into movie premieres and concerts and awesome clubs and hanging out with people who make art. Some people must concern themselves with important work, like dealing with big business and buying and selling incredibly posh homes and whatnot.) 🙂

Secondly, I’d like to give the Federal government, specifically the DEA, a great big noogie.

The Full Faith And Credit Clause of the Constitution is becoming more and more of a joke, thanks to an unnecessary prohibition of helpful medication.

There are 15 states in the union that have legalized marijuana for medicinal use. One of which, obviously is California. Another is Nevada, which is a very recent thing. This excited me because as someone who has studied the law, I know that it is legal for me to use my medicine in my home, but it is not legal for me to bring it in the car to my parents house when I visit for Thanksgiving because it is interstate drug trafficking, technically speaking. I was hoping that this trip, since they have recently opened about 15 dispensaries in the Las Vegas area that I could follow federal law and leave my necessary medicine at home and purchase some in the great state of Nevada, thus following the laws of both California and the Federal government while bringing new business to NV.

To this end, I called one of the local Las Vegas dispensaries, only to find out that you must be a Nevada resident and have a Nevada recommendation to become a member of one of their clubs and purchase medicine. They do not accept doctors recommendations from CA.

Isn’t that terrible? Locals only.

Now, I know that President Obama, son-in-law to a multiple sclerosis sufferer, has specifically told the DEA not to prosecute medical marijuana users, so I shouldn’t flip out about this, but these are the things my law brain thinks about. I guess if you have a condition that requires MMJ, you just shouldn’t travel at this point in history, or you should just not be worried about bringing it with you from home. *shrug*

Next, I want to talk about something that I think we all do from time to time, whether you have an illness or not: buying yourself time to process things that have happened in your life by repressing your emotions, only to later pay the price.

Paying the Piper: When Repressed Memories and Emotions Affect Today. Why it’s no good living on Emotional Credit.

I finally realized yesterday that a big part of what’s going on with me has to do with dealing with some extremely bad stuff that happened in my past that I simply repressed to the point of not acknowledging or even remembering, and that my body and psyche is simply dealing with it now. I become suicidal or violent to myself when I hit at things that I simply cannot process without changing my whole world view. I just…flip out or seize. It’s like pushing some kind of button. Add that to the emotional lability and I’m like a loaded gun, ready to go off, with a lack of understanding of my place in the world when sudden flashbacks happen. It’s not good for me or for anyone who loves me. Apparently, my mind is like a trained rottweiler. It’s just been trained incorrectly, and there’s very little I can do but try to accept that things are as they are and work to retrain it.

Finding out that a lot of my seizures are my brain trying to protect me from necessary (but painful) personal growth is frustrating to say the least. Needless to say while some people have a hard time being wrong, this puts it in a whole other category. And here I thought I was humble. Apparently not. Still, it suggests that the work with EMDR should alleviate many of the seizures I do have. So that’s something.

At least I can give myself credit for doing the hard work and not giving up.

Relapse? Or just a few bad days?

If there’s one thing I truly despise about my condition, it’s not knowing whether or not I’m having pseudoexacerbations or an actual exacerbation of my condition.

Pseudoexacerbations are just like exacerbations or relapses, but tend to last 24 hours or less and are triggered by your body fighting off an infection or healing from something non-MS related. And yes, it is possible to have one pseudoexacerbation after another for several days, which mimics an actual exacerbation.

This makes it very difficult to know whether or not I need to call Dr. G and say, “Hey! I think I need an IV-SM drip.”

I have had terrible sleep for the last several nights, littered with nightmares. This has lead to days with more seizures than normal because adequate sleep is required to have days that are primarily seizure-free. Last night was no exception. In fact, Adam let me know that he was up with me most of the night and that I’ve been both talking and having seizures in my sleep.

This is very not good. If I can’t sleep, seizures will eat me. Ok, that’s a little dramatic, but I think you get my point. Sleep, real good sleep is necessary, or the seizures just keep getting more frequent and longer. Seizing hard enough during sleep that I wake the person next to me, when I’m on a memory foam mattress, despite being on the right dose of meds, leads me to believe that either a.)I have some other illness of which I am completely unaware, or b.)I’m having an MS flare.

GRAWR!!! I’m supposed to go to Berkeley this weekend to visit abitbattyhere and mgnficntbastard!!! WTF, body!?! I HAVE JUST STARTED GETTING A LIFE! I HAVE GUITAR LESSONS ON WEDNESDAY. I ALREADY MISSED LAST WEEK BECAUSE OF SEIZURES!

Fuck. I already missed last week because of seizures. I’ve already waited a week.

I remember this game. When we wait and see, we wait and see me get worse until I’m seizing all the time and I finally give in when I can’t do anything at all because my optimism holds out until I’m hospitalized.

I’m already hurting from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep almost, even with the extra meds. I’ve stopped vaporizing weed to make me feel better unless I’m hurting to the point that I’m either crying or about to start crying, because I’ve stopped seeing the point, and I’ve started feeling suicidal again… like all of this is pointless and like I’m a cursed creature that for whatever reason, God hates.

Yeah. *sigh* It might be time for the drips.

Suicidal Thoughts: What to Do. Because you never know when it might be important.

Suicidal Thoughts: What to Do
If you have thoughts of suicide, these options are available to you:

* Dial: 911
* Dial: 1-800-273-TALK
* Check yourself into the emergency room.
* Tell someone who can help you find help immediately.
* Stay away from things that might hurt you.
* Most people can be treated with a combination of antidepressant medication and psychotherapy.

If You Don’t Have Insurance

The following options might be used:

* Go to the nearest hospital emergency room.
* Look in your local Yellow Pages under Mental Health and/or Suicide Prevention; then call the mental health organizations/crisis phone lines that are listed. There may be clinics or counseling centers in your area operating on a sliding or no-fee scale.
* Some pharmaceutical companies have “Free Medication Programs” for those who qualify. Visit the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill website at for more information.


That’s great and all, but I have one surefire win for suicide prevention that works every time.

Do nothing.

That’s right, nothing.

Suicide takes work. Effort. Doing something, or not doing something when something must be done in order to avoid death.

So, if you’re feeling the urge to end your life, my best suggestion to you, in all honesty, is do nothing. Put the pause button on life, as it were, not the stop.

Go to bed if you can. When you wake up, odds are, you’ll either be thinking about something else, feel better enough to go talk to someone, or at least have made it another few hours without dying. After all – that’s the point, right? Not dying, I mean.

Don’t feel sleepy? Feel good and angry? Smoke some weed — THEN go to bed. That’s right. I said it. Better that someone get a different perspective on their issues than kill themselves out of rage for the problems they cannot fix all by themselves.

So… what do you do when you’ve smoked some weed, gone to bed, woken up and still want to die? You talk to a friend. And then you do it all again. With or without weed. And with or without going to therapy and all those other things you see above…

You do whatever you need to do to get by without doing something asinine despite yourself, because you know at the end of the day, what matters most is that you stay alive, because dying means saying goodbye to everyone you love and the parts of life that make you laugh even when you’re hurting.

When you’re at that dark place, what you need to hear… what you need to know – I mean, really know, is that someone, anyone cares about you. And really, you in particular.

Find friends or family to be around when you’re able. A support network is crucial to identify and develop. They can often hold the key to your wellbeing in times of crisis like this. I don’t know where I’d be without mine. 🙂