#11 is free, right?

Looking for Answers

Welp, the ultrasound didn’t show any stones… but it did show fat deposits on my liver. Now, I have to go get an MRI (w/ and w/out contrast) of my liver so that my gastroenterologist can figure out whether or not I have nonalcoholic fatty liver disease. I’m 99% sure that I have it, because it would explain the pain in my upper right abdomen… and if I don’t, then who the fuck knows. I’m all about some answers.

For those of you playing along at home, this is my current medical condition.

  1. Multiple Sclerosis
  2. Seizure Disorder
  3. Hypertension
  4. High Triglycerides/Cholesterol
  5. GERD
  6. Gastritis
  7. Colitis
  8. Postpartum Depression
  9. PTSD

I joked with Adam that NAFLD would be #10, so my punch card should be full and #11 will be free.  He didn’t laugh. Probably because I haven’t made a punch card yet… but I might, just to keep myself laughing. I keep looking on the bright side. No stones means no gallbladder surgery.

The first line of treatment both for high triglycerides/cholesterol and NAFLD is to lose weight, a minimum of 10% of total body weight over 6 months. (So, for me, that would be 21 pounds.) In theory, that’s totally doable.  I honestly would *love* to lose weight.  I’ve been trying for years now with no success.  It doesn’t matter if I’m on the paleo diet or not. Or if I’m active or not. Or if I’m both paleo and weightlifting.  Even pregnancy didn’t change my weight by more than 15 pounds.

Fortunately, at the beginning of May, I’ll actually finally be seeing an endocrinologist, and hopefully, she’ll be able to help me figure things out.  I mean, someone’s got to be able to help.  I don’t want to die from a heart attack (triglycerides/cholesterol), a stroke (hypertension), or liver failure (NAFLD) – all of which are caused by my being overweight. I’m willing to do whatever’s necessary.

In the meantime, Adam and I are getting back to the gym starting today. Being active never hurts. We took about a month off because Adam burnt his hand terribly on a hot pan, and I was having tons of seizures because of tummy troubles and hormone imbalances.  I’m not expecting magic or anything, but I’m really looking forward to just going for a 30 minute walk on the treadmill if nothing else. I hate being as sedentary as I have been. I’m tired of my tummy hurting, and I’m tired of feeling gross.

12963873_10209025515017754_2491198053406512411_nOn a totally different note…

I was lucky enough that my mom came in for 10 days to help out and hang out with me and Henry while Adam was in and out of town for work.  I always appreciate my mom’s help, and am honestly flabbergasted at where she gets her energy.  To be honest, I’m ridiculously jealous. The lady’s 22 years older than me, and runs circles around me. She cooks and cleans and gets on the floor with the kiddo and doesn’t bat an eyelash…whereas I have given myself numerous mental high-fives just for remembering to transfer the laundry last night.

She also takes great pictures of her grandbaby. Here’s Henry in his Graco Bumper Jumper. He’s too tall for it, but he still can’t get enough. I’m really looking forward to Mom and Dad putting together his rocking horse for his birthday.

Celebrations

Speaking of… Adam’s birthday is tomorrow and Henry’s birthday is in 2 weeks, and I really haven’t done anything to prepare. Yes, I bought Adam a present, but he already got it – so that’s sorta anticlimactic.   And as for Henry… I have got to get my shit together.

Ilovetrash

Patterned tableware is 50% off at Party City right now.  I just have to force myself to stop being such a lazy curmudgeon. I’m like, “How the fuck are these paper plates this expensive even when they’re on sale? I can get 100 plain white paper plates for the cost of 8 of these ‘Wild at One’ plates, on sale.  Why do we need a tablecloth and paper cups?  Will he even CARE if I make him a smash cake? He can’t eat solids other than purees yet, and he won’t have any memory of it… It’s all just gonna be garbage!”

And then I have to remind myself that this is 100% postpartum depression talking. It’s the same inner voice that has dealt out other helpful advice such as, “Henry and Adam would have more money and be better off without you. You should just kill yourself.” I don’t listen to that voice. I treat it like the mental flatulence it is – odious and ephemeral.

Equally ephemeral… the quiet solitude of naptime.  Kiddo’s been down for almost an hour, so I’m gonna see if I can get a few things done before he stirs, and it’s time for me to feed him lunch.

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My one real talent: Getting Henry to sleep. 

 

Celebrations

It’s been quite a Decemberween so far!

danandjeninlove

Mr. & Mrs. Boych

Daniel turned 32 on the second night of Chanukkah. He and Jen got married in beautiful Tamarindo, Costa Rica on the 4th night. It was great to spend almost a week in a tropical paradise at a swanky resort with my family.

MomandDadatDanielswedding

Proud parents

I missed Adam and Henry terribly, but absence truly did make the heart grow fonder. I came back to a husband who appreciates my work at home even more than he used to, and I haven’t been nearly as grouchy about Henry’s shenanigans since I got home. (Truthfully, though, I’m still not a fan of diaper rodeo.)

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I actually missed the kid so much I was looking at baby food at the market.

Nick (my brother-in-law) & I turned 35 yesterday, and we celebrated on Saturday by having free birthday dinner entrees and desserts at Houlihan’s and checking out the closest hole-in-the-wall karaoke bar near my home with Adam & Lizzie (Nick’s girlfriend). I got a free apple pie shot from the bartender and had the chance to sing “Biscuits” to a crowd that appreciated it. Couldn’t have asked for a better time.

I’m not sure what it is about turning 35 that made me ever so slightly melancholy. Honestly, I’m completely stoked that I’m still around. Every year that I make it around the sun again is a victory.

I think that there’s just some sort of arbitrary checklist in my mind that activates when I have a birthday… like some sort of silly, shitty, self-imposed performance review — as though there are metrics to hit. I’ve decided that, while I’m disappointed that I can’t always get everything done, I’ve handled my promotion to “mommy” with aplomb, and I am deserving of a bonus.

decemberween

For my Decemberween gift (aka birthday/chanukkah/christmas all rolled into one), Adam has said that I can do whatever I want to do in order to get back into shape.  He says he wants me to look at myself and feel as beautiful as he thinks I am every time he looks at me. My favorite thing about my husband is that he always wants to support me in being the best version of myself possible. 🙂 I feel very lucky to have him in my life.

Truth be told, the last time I felt genuinely beautiful was before I was diagnosed with MS.  I lost 75 pounds before I started law school and was working out every day. Fitness (and by extension, confidence) was one of the biggest things that seizure disorder took from me, and I’m looking forward to reclaiming it.

So, I’ve decided to take a 2 pronged approach and to both work with a personal trainer and go to BodyLogicMD to get my hormones checked out and balanced. I am convinced that I either have a thyroid issue or leptin resistance.  Regardless of changes in diet and exercise over the last several years (and there was a whole year when I did weightlifting 3 times a week and was 80/20 paleo), I saw no change in weight, so I’ve decided to find out why and do something about it.

Apparently, that’s what a grown-up romantic present looks like… lots of trips to the doctor and the gym. *lol*

finding-true-love

Thursday night, we head over to the in-laws to celebrate Christmas Eve. I’m looking forward to it to the point that I didn’t buy any wine — just a lot of good food and some energy drinks. Without them, I’d never be able to keep up with the kiddos.

All that, and I’ve even sent out holiday cards on time this year! I knew it could happen! 🙂

Hope that you and yours are enjoying the holiday season, whatever holiday you’re celebrating.

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The Quantum Mechanics Of Babymaking

Basic Quantum Mechanics

For those of you who aren’t brushed up on your quantum physics (or fans of the Big Bang Theory), please let me introduce you to the concept of Schrödinger’s cat in a nutshell.

Schrödinger’s experiment involved putting his cat in a sealed box with a flask of poison and a device that had the potential to break the flask of poison, killing the cat. After a certain amount of time you can’t know for sure whether the cat is alive or dead. Thus, quantum mechanics implies that, for the purposes of making any kind of predictions, the cat must be viewed as simultaneously alive and dead. (Basically, you have to consider both possibilities as equally valid.)

The same kind of thinking applies when you are in the process of trying to start a family. During a month when you’ve had sex with your partner in an effort to conceive a baby, but prior to the pee test showing a positive or you getting your period, you are both pregnant (P) and not pregnant (NP). This presents several paradoxes that can cause anxiety.

Do This, Don’t Do This

Currently, my head is spinning with the number of things that I should do if I’m not pregnant, but should not do if I am pregnant. As I am presently both P & NP, I often am at a loss for determining the correct course of action and am sort of shooting from the hip.

Losing Weight
I am currently overweight. My doctors all want me to lose weight. I want to lose weight. How do you achieve this? By limiting caloric intake and maintaining or increasing physical activity.

What are you not supposed to try to do if you’re pregnant? Lose weight or restrict calories.

What am I doing? Recording every bite I eat in a journal and damn near losing my mind wondering whether I’m eating properly. I’m focusing mainly on having good nutrition and not overeating. I aim for between 1400 and 1600 calories a day. I’m taking prenatal vitamins every day and making sure that I drink enough water.  I’m honestly hoping to continue to lose weight until I have a pregnancy test that comes back officially saying “positive.”

Weightlifting
One of the best ways to increase your caloric burn while also keeping your body healthy is to lift weights. If you are not pregnant, there’s no question that weightlifting is good for you.

If you’re pregnant, the answer isn’t quite so clear. There are people who say that lifting weights while pregnant is a good thing. There are people who say it’s bad.

What am I doing? Following the advice of the camp that is in favor of weight lifting with resistance machines during pregnancy, while listening to my body and not pushing for gains, but rather endurance. I also am avoiding plank pose. (Though to be honest, that’s got way more to do with laziness than anything else.)

Protecting My Nervous System
I have MS. This means that I need to be taking a disease modifying drug (DMD) to slow the progression of the disease if I’m not pregnant.

The only DMD that is acceptable to be on while you are actively trying to conceive is Copaxone, and most neurologists have you quit taking it once you are pregnant. I no longer take Copaxone because my neurologist determined that it was doing absolutely nothing for me, so it’s not even an option.

What am I doing? I’m not taking any DMDs. This leads to a lot of anxiety for me. On the one hand, I want to conceive and carry a healthy baby — and I feel healthier and better because I’m not dealing with the side effects of medications that suppress my immune system. On the other hand, I’m having a marked increase in seizure activity, fatigue, and muscle spasticity.

Fostering Kittens
If you’re not pregnant, fostering kittens is rewarding and fun. It’s something I’ve done for many years that brings me a great deal of joy, not only from my interactions with the kittens but from the knowledge that, despite my disability, I’m making a positive difference in the world.

If you are pregnant, it can be dangerous to deal with kittens because of the danger of toxoplasmosis.

What am I doing? Sadly, even though Adam has said he’ll take care of scooping the litter box for the duration — we’re taking a break from kitten fostering. Better safe than sorry.

Eating Sushi or having Alcohol in Moderation
There are actually scientific studies that suggest that light drinking while pregnant can be a good thing. At the very least, drinking as little as I do and as infrequently as normal will not harm the kid.

If you’re Japanese, sushi is considered good neonatal nutrition.

If you’re American, you’re not supposed to have any sushi or alcohol. And it sucks.

What am I doing? So far, not drinking or having sushi. And it’s making me cranky.

The best things in life are not safe for pregnancy.

I just want to take a moment to recognize the things that I deeply appreciate that I am foregoing while in this quantum state… the things that if I’m actually not pregnant, I’m missing out on for no other reason than caution.

  • Medical cannabis to help with muscle spasms and neuropathic pain… I miss you, bud.
  • Aleve… because Tylenol doesn’t actually do shit.
  • 5 Hour Energy/Caffeine… Naps are just not as effective as you are.
  • Afrin… Nasal washes just aren’t the same, but at least they do something short-term.
  • Soft cheeses… feta, I miss you the most.

I hope this is all worth it.

600th Post!

I’ve wanted to make a post for the past several days, but for whatever reason, writing just hasn’t happened. There’s been a lot going on.

First visit with the high-risk pregnancy specialist

Last week, Adam and I saw the high-risk pregnancy doctor, in the hopes that we’d be cleared to start trying for a family. Unfortunately, my blood pressure was insane at the visit. 174/95. Crazy, right? The doc wants me to lose 20 pounds and get my blood pressure under control before I see him again.

Challenge Accepted.

Doubled the hypertension medication. Got back to the gym. Fortunately, the relapse is over, and because of that, seizures aren’t stopping me from exercising. Yesterday, I was finally able to do 45 minutes of cardio again. We also keep saying that we’re going to go paleo again. We did well yesterday, but tonight, we’re going to a Blackhawks playoff game… so I guess we’re aiming for 80/20 this week.

Awesome Find: Once A Month Cooking

One of my friends introduced me to Once A Month Cooking, which has more than 2 years worth of paleo menus and recipes already made. Talk about a time-saver.

And if that weren’t enough, there are other sites for once a month cooking too, such as this Whole 30 Freezer Menu, and this article about how to freezer-cook in the first place.

Big 600!

And apparently, this is my 600th post here. That blows my mind.

Hope you’re all doing well!

Not Letting MS Win.

Adam and I have been very committed to fitness over the last year. We’ve changed many of our eating habits for the better, learning how to live without wheat and adding many more veggies to our diet. We also managed, most weeks, to get to the gym 3 times. This year, we’re going for 4 times a week. While I haven’t seen much in the way of weight loss, my body has reshaped, so that’s a step in the right direction. I know I’m building muscle. I tell you all this not to brag, but because it’s relevant.

So Ridiculously Counterintuitive…

Monday and Tuesday of this week, I was dealing with some pretty intense MS fatigue. The idea of going to the gym was ludicrous to me. (Hey, I’m having a hard time walking to the bathroom fast enough. I know! Let’s lift weights!)

Now, you have to understand, MS fatigue is utterly and completely different from being tired. You can be in a great mood, be motivated to do things, and quite literally not be able to make your body move without extreme effort.  You can be extremely sleepy and not able to actually sleep. Sometimes, it’s like wearing a lead apron over your whole body. At other times, it feels an awful lot like turning into a weak puddle of goo.

This graphic perfectly represents what MS fatigue does to you.

This is what MS fatigue does to you.

“The exact mechanism of MS fatigue is not known, but studies suggest that changes in the brain caused by MS may require MS patients to use five times more effort to complete a simple task than a person without MS,” says Julie Stachowiak, PhD, author of The Multiple Sclerosis Manifesto: Action To Take, Principles To Live By.

Never being one to take things lying down (literally!), I had to research ways to combat fatigue.

The most consistent suggestions on the internet were pharmaceuticals (like ProVigil) that I can’t take thanks to hypertension, simplifying your life (which doesn’t help when you’re already in the throes of the beast), treating depression if you have it (check!), and exercise.

That’s right — exercise.  When it’s hard to move… move more. It sounded bassackwards to me. I was actually angry thinking about it.

But it works!

According to the National Center on Physical Activity and Disability (NCPAD), “A study conducted by researchers at the University of Utah demonstrated the benefits of exercise for people with MS. Those patients who participated in an aerobic exercise program had better cardiovascular fitness, better bladder and bowel function, less fatigue and depression, a more positive attitude and increased participation in social activities.”

More recently, a 2013 study conducted by scientists at the Division of Physiotherapy and Rehabilitation at Istanbul University demonstrated that supervised group exercise training is effective in improving balance, functional status, spasticity, fatigue and quality of life in moderately affected people with multiple sclerosis, with no worsening of their clinical status.

So, despite my goo-like status late Tuesday, I cowgirled up and went to the gym. Mind over grey matter. I was honestly shocked by the immediate results.

Sure, I went slower on the stationary bike than I usually do (It was so tough!), but after about 20 minutes of entirely willpower-driven strenuous activity, I was no longer desperately wishing for sleep or even wanting to quit. I felt the heavy, pressing feeling lift. I suddenly had energy like it was a normal day. I was even able to finish up my 30 minutes on the bike and do a 15 minute cool-down on the treadmill. Like a boss.

Exercising = Having Energy

I have a theory about MS fatigue and when it hits me hard.

Last week, we went to the gym 4 times (M,T,Th, &F), and then we took the weekend off. After 2 full days without any exercise, I had some of the heaviest fatigue I’ve experienced… so I took Monday off too, thinking that my body needed the rest. (Wrong.)  Tuesday morning, I was certain I’d been run over by a steam roller in my sleep… but Tuesday night, I hit the gym. Today, after working out regardless of fatigue, I feel significantly better than I did the last 2 days.  If not for the tingling paresthesia in my back, I’d actually feel normal. Then again, I’m so used to the tinglies on my back that maybe this is “normal” for me.

Anyway, my theory is that my body now requires that I work out almost every day for it to function properly. When I take more than 1 day off from exercise, I experience fatigue. And fatigue sucks so much. It’s like gravity is trying to crush both your body and your spirit. Last night, I actually had the thought that cycling was like mining for energy… that cardio, for me, is like plugging myself into a charger. I honestly think that daily cardio exercise is going to be the only way to keep fatigue at bay.

If it really is this simple, maybe this crazy broad wasn’t as insane as I thought she was.

Neither of us is going to let MS win.

What to eat when you’re sick and keeping a paleo Whole 30.

Being Sick Is No Fun.

Last week wasn’t such a great week, health-wise, for my husband, Adam. He was diagnosed with strep throat and a flu-like virus that completely took him out of commission from Wednesday night until about mid-day Sunday. Miraculously, even with an immune system that’s operating at 60%, I did not get sick! I am praying that I am not in an incubation period, and that I don’t end up ill in about a week or two.

Sadly, we couldn’t go to the gym on Monday or Tuesday of last week because of the polar vortex making temperatures in Chicago dip to forty degrees below zero. The gym was closed! Adam was diagnosed Wednesday, and he wasn’t feeling better until yesterday – so that’s a whole week of working out that we lost. 😦 I guess it’s better for us to have let our bodies rest and been considerate of the other gym-goers than to have pushed ourselves for the sake of keeping with our plans.

Speaking of keeping with our plans… we ran into a hard time on Friday. When either Adam or I have gotten really sick in the past, our diets were incredibly grain-heavy — noodle soups, fresh bread for dipping, Chinese food… that used to be the order of the day. But, you can’t do that when you’re paleo.

My Ginger Garlic Chicken Soup

Thursday and Friday for lunch, I made my ginger garlic chicken soup, which was great. I cut up about 12-15 baby carrots, 3 stalks of celery, and 2 chicken breasts, grated about a half inch of fresh ginger and 5-6 garlic cloves, and added 4 cups of organic chicken broth, 3 cups of water, 1 bay leaf, 1 TBSP of granulated onion (you could always sub 1 medium onion, chopped), a half tsp of poultry seasoning, some kosher salt, and fresh ground black pepper. I let it simmer together for an hour or so, and we had some really comforting, delicious soup.

Unfortunately, that was all I had in my bag of tricks. I became slightly panicked on Friday night because I couldn’t think of anything else that was Whole30 compliant for me to make for dinner that would soothe Adam’s cold.

The Foodee Project & Chowstalker to the Rescue!

Everyone who knows me well knows that I am a research fanatic. The first thing I did was to Google “paleo while sick” and “whole30 while sick” to get some results where I could see what others who were keeping this diet do when they’re feeling ill.

I was shocked and saddened to see that there were few answers or suggestions for anything other than scrambled eggs and bone broth. Heck, some people even advocated fasting. I thought that was crazy. Fortunately, there were a few more helpful suggestions on TheClothesMakeTheGirl – she suggested zucchini noodles with ghee and mashed potatoes. Both are very respectable suggestions. Unfortunately, Adam wasn’t in the mood for any of that.

So, I hit up Chowstalker and The Foodee Project for Whole 30 recipe suggestions. I found a lot of good options, and I thought I should share them with you! I need to add all of these to the Paleo Compendium.

Soups

Curried Butternut Squash Soup
Roasted, Curried Pumpkin & Butternut Squash Soup
Curried Apple Soup
Sweet Potato Basil Soup
Indian Spiced Sweet Potato & Bacon Soup
Beef & Mushroom Soup
Spicy Chicken Vegetable Soup
Smoky Mexican Tortilla-less Chicken Soup
Tuscan Chicken Soup
Ginger Chicken Soup
Curried Cauliflower Soup
Golden Cauliflower Soup
Silky Gingered Zucchini Soup
Avocado Soup with Cucumber
Gazpacho With Zucchini Pasta
Squash & Crab Bisque

Not Soup


Fall Harvest Mash

Butternut Squash & Yam Mash
Turnip-Cauliflower Mash
Lemon Cucumber Noodles with Cumin

Feeling Better

Today is Monday, and Adam is back at work. The sun is shining, and temperatures are back up above freezing. That means that tonight, we’re definitely headed to the gym, and that I need to get something started in the slow cooker about… now, actually. (Geesh! Better finish this entry.) Tonight, we’re having Slow Cooker Rotisserie Chicken & Sweet Potatoes.

Hope you’re all doing well!

Records

Chicago Record: Broken

Thanks to the polar vortex, currently in Chicago, it is -16° F degrees outside, with a wind chill factor that makes it feel like it’s -42° F.

Today, Chicago Public Schools are closed. That’s all but unheard of in a city where they bust out the salt and plows at the first sight of snowflakes. Many people are missing work today because some of the public transportation trains aren’t functional in this weather. Heck, even our local YMCA is closed! (No gym for Adam and me today.) The weather has actually broken all of this city’s previous records for cold. It snowed for 3 days straight, but now that it’s actually at its coldest, the sun is shining brightly. I’m definitely not complaining about that. It just deceptively looks like a good idea to go outside.(It’s not. You can get frostbite from being outside for 10 minutes!)

Sounding like a broken record… The Whole 30

Adam and I have been doing well on the Whole 30. I can’t believe that it’s only 1/6. How is that possible? It feels like we’ve been on this diet for-ev-er, and not just 6 days. There were 2 things that made it really tough to stay on track during the last week – but I am really proud of Adam and myself for staying true to our course.

First, we received a box of chocolate-covered strawberries from Sherrie’s Berries. Fortunately, we were able to give them to Adam’s folks, and they didn’t go to waste. Receiving chocolate strawberries and not eating them felt wrong. On the one hand, I felt a moral imperative to eat them because they were a present from my parents, and I *love* chocolate strawberries. On the other hand, I wanted to maintain integrity to the diet because I’m trying to help my blood pressure so that we can get pregnant sometime soon. Apparently, I’m really dedicated to this kid.

It was even harder to keep the diet on Saturday night when we went out to Chuck’s BBQ for a friend’s birthday. I didn’t have a hard time with avoiding the 120 beers on tap, but the pervasive smell of sweet BBQ sauce made my brain want to go splodey. Appetizers were ordered: BBQ nachos and cheesesticks. The nachos smelled so good, I actually whimpered. Surprisingly, I didn’t care about the cheesesticks. Fortunately, there were a few dishes on the menu that were paleo-friendly. Adam got the roasted chicken with salad and I got cochinita pibil with cajun green beans and salad. Were they delicious dishes? Yes. Did it make it any easier to not think about the plates of BBQ nachos on the table? Not even kind of. Thus, I think I’m going to try not to go to anymore restaurants this month. The temptation is just too intense.

We haven’t kept true to the meal planning chart that I made because we’ve made food as we’ve felt like it. We also managed to source some ingredients at Trader Joe’s that we weren’t expecting to be able to find, so we got to try some recipes for which I hadn’t planned. BTW, if you’re curious, Applegate Organic Beef Hot Dogs are totally yummy, and Paleo Parents recipe for “Not Beenie Weenies” is totally good with a little mustard.

Stationary Bike Personal Record: Broken

The plan of doing 45 minutes a day of cardio may have been a bit lofty. Ok, so it was totally unrealistic… but good things have come from trying to achieve that goal.

Last week, we went to the gym 5 times. One of those days, I had to quit 20 minutes in because I was so fatigued, but I hit 45 minutes the other days. As for breaking my biking record: in the past, I have, at the most, been able to use the stationary bike to go 6 miles in ~30 minutes. On Thursday of last week, I biked for 30 minutes and made it 6.7 miles! Sure, it’s only another seven tenths of a mile, but it shows me that I’m getting stronger and faster. It encourages me to keep going.

Just for the record…

As for overall health, things have been really wonky this past week. Monday, I was too fatigued to keep going after 20 minutes at the gym. Thursday, I was so fatigued from MS that when I woke up, I couldn’t physically get out of bed until 2:30 p.m. (And *WOW* did I have to pee when I finally managed to move.) I felt better after lunch, though, so I still did 45 minutes at the gym that day. I felt good for a few days, but then yesterday, out of nowhere, I had a ton of seizures.

I really hate the rare occasions when I don’t have an aura and just spontaneously have seizures. I actually fell yesterday. That hasn’t happened in a long time. I only know this because today, my left knee and hip are hurting, and I have a vague recollection of waking up on the floor.

So, there was no gym this weekend, and there won’t be any today. Life goes on. At least, I’m doing the best I can. Maybe I’ll do some yoga here at home.

Spinning round and round…

I’ve been really struggling to not relapse into depression recently. It’s sometimes very tough work battling irrational thoughts.

My mom unintentionally pushed one of my FML (fuck my life) buttons hardcore a few days ago by sending me a job posting and suggesting that I apply. We talked, and I understand that she was only suggesting that I apply for the job because she was thinking how lucky the company would be to have me on board, but her explanation didn’t change the fact that being sent a job opening and suggestion to apply highlighted the facts that I am both disabled and am not working.

One of the things I really devoted myself to learning with my therapist last year was finding my worth without employment. She consistently made me acknowledge the fact that having a job doesn’t give a person any more or less worth to the world. I worked hard to be able to say and believe that my worth as a person exists in the fact that we are each unique expressions of God that can only be experienced for a limited time. Even a clone wouldn’t be the same me.

I think one of the hardest things that I’ve had to accept in the last several years is that all of the planning in the world doesn’t really matter when reality smacks you in the face with an impediment. What matters is how you react to the impediment. What matters is resilience.

I have a hard time coping with the reality of not only not being employed, but also not actually being employable. On the rare, wonderful days when I feel well, I irrationally feel like I’m stealing… like I should magically have a job to go to… as though I should only have financial support if I’m feeling bad, which is ridiculous, because with MS, I *am* genuinely always ill. On the days when I feel particularly bad, I am intensely grateful to not have the added responsibility of a job to deal with.

When confronted with thoughts about employment, I immediately flash back to the countless lectures Mom and Dad gave me and my brother while we were growing up about the importance of personal financial responsibility, stability, and independence from others… and I feel deep shame that I haven’t figured out a way to be the independent, self-sufficient woman that my parents wanted me to be, and who I aspired to be, despite my health complications. Not to mention the promise I made myself after my first husband gutted our bank account when he left – which was that I would never be dependent on anyone ever again. That was my whole reason for going to law school. Oops. Guess that didn’t exactly work out.

It only complicates things for me emotionally when friends-of-friends do any of the following: 1.) Ask me what I do for a living 2.) Go on political rants about makers and takers 3.)Talk about how their relative with MS works just fine. Nevermind the fact that I have seizures or that MS is different for everyone who has it. All 3 of these things have happened in the last 3 days.

Living with intense shame is miserable. There’s only 2 ways to fix it: either live in concert with your integrity (which is not an option here) or change your attitude. Changing your personal views about something that previously was such an integral part of your identity isn’t easy. It takes time, and there are always relapses to your old way of thinking that you have to fix.

So, I’m doing what I can. I’m staying busy. I’m trying to focus on things I can do, rather than what I can’t. I’m looking to the future with hope.

And my inner-juke box is playing Are You Satisfied? by Marina and the Diamonds on repeat.