Author Archives: Rae

I shouldn’t be doing this.

Posted in Just Life. by

Henry is at Busia’s. I haven’t finished cleaning. But I’m making a short blog entry anyway… because this thing is, in many ways, like a diary for me, and I need to write.

Today, I asked a question on FB that I’ve wrestled with for years. “How do you value your own work?” Because I’m in my late 30s, and I still don’t know.

I’m creative as hell. I write songs. I write poetry. I write blog entries. I create recipes. And yet, when I signed up for a Patreon account, one of my friends was actually like, “Patreon is really for people who make things.” I wasn’t sure whether to be offended or just laugh. So naturally, I laughed and then anxiety took over and I questioned whether or not I am actually an artist or maker or whatever.  I am. This bullshit entry is undeniable proof.

It’s just weird.  When I start feeling well for even a day, the first thing that pops into my head is that I’m not doing enough for my family.  Nevermind if I couldn’t get out of bed because of fatigue 4 days ago. TODAY, I need to fucking capitalize on it.  And that’s really how I live at this point — in the moment. Do what you can when you can.  That’s why I’m blogging right now instead of washing dishes.

I’ve got people bugging me about the keto cookbook that I’ve been working on, and when another friend asked if I was going to charge for it, I actually laughed out loud — partially because I refuse to pay for recipes (They can’t even be copyrighted, y’all.) and because I hadn’t even entertained the idea of selling it.  I just want people to feel better, and the idea of getting paid for something that I wanted to do anyway seems too good to be true.

It made me think about the Tao of Rae and the short amount of time when I self-published it on Amazon and Barnes and Noble, and how stupid I felt, having priced it as low as possible, and, yet, no one downloaded it. But worse, I felt ashamed for having tried. So, I took it off those services put it on here for free download, because, why not? I mean, I’d done every chapter on this blog anyway, and it was pretty clear no one was gonna pay to read it. Why should they?

I guess what I’m bumping up against is this sense of utter futility and pessimism. And that’s just familiar as all hell. I know how to deal with it. Ignore it and move forward.

I’ve come to view these feelings of self-doubt and sadness as a signal that I’m on the right track towards having a happier life. Like, if I’m feeling down and like I suck, I need to push harder. I know that if I just force myself to butt up against those feelings more, creation will begin. Something will come out of me.  Something good? Who knows. But something real? Certainly.  It might even be relateable for others.

Fighting ghosts is at least half of having PTSD.  And if you don’t fight them, they get to control you. Giving up control to a cycle you’ve already lived through more than once is just bullshit. And flourishing after trauma means not allowing yourself to become your abuser.

Resilience, I’ve found, has so much less to do with letting old wounds heal and so much more to do with acknowledging that the old wounds exist — saying “I see you.” to your past self and then just making better choices than she did. Fuck, even if the choices aren’t better, at least let them be different. Figuring out how to work around emotional booby traps has so much more to do with being present in your skin in the moment than thinking about the fact that they exist.

So, now, I’m going to go be in my skin, in the kitchen, loading the dishwasher. Adam is on his way home, and I’m pretty sure I’ve maxed out my skillset on overthinking. 😉

BTW – I’ve been published on Modern Day MS a few times since my last entry. Here are links to my articles, for anyone who wants more to read!

THE KETOGENIC DIET FOR MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS

RACHAEL’S RECIPE OF THE WEEK: SHREDDED CHICKEN

RACHAEL’S RECIPE OF THE WEEK: ZUCCHINI NOODLES

And the Paleo Compendium, which I’ve devoted countless hours to and never made any money from, is up to nearly 3500 followers with 9000 views a month. 🙂  Another thing that fits my pattern.

I wonder what life will look like when I value my efforts.

Another month in.

Posted in Keto Diet, Recipes by

It’s been a month since my last entry. It seems like as good a time as any to update.

Adam has lost 30 pounds in the 6 weeks since we started the keto diet. I have lost 10.  I’m not really sure why I have only lost 2 pounds in the last month. I’ve been doing all the things – food journalling, measuring everything, counting calories as well as macros, but I am at a personal plateau. I got stuck around 185 for months when I was losing this weight the first time. Besides, my shape is obviously changing, and I’m sure that I’m benefiting anyway.

How do I know? Because July 11th was my 10 year seizure-versary, and it came and went without me even thinking about it.

I am becoming accustomed to having energy and being able to think clearly.  And, despite having catamenial seizures, I did not cave and order sweet & sour chicken w/ fried rice… no matter how badly my mind thought I wanted it.

But What Are You Eating?

I’ve been getting this question a lot. It makes me think that folks who are considering the diet haven’t been able to really wrap their heads around how the diet works because it’s so different from the one that they’re used to.

For the curious, my day usually looks like this:

Breakfast –

  • bulletproof coffee -or-
  • coffee & a mug cake -or-
  • coffee and scrambled eggs w/cheese

Lunch –

  • leftovers from dinner or
  • a big bowl of spinach and/or lettuces plus whatever I’d have on a sandwich (turkey, hard salami, a slice of cheese, 1 tbsp mayo, 1 tbsp mustard, and a diced pickle is a favorite, as is chicken, bacon, blue cheese, & avocado)

Dinner –

  • some kind of grilled meat (chicken, steak, lamb, pork chop) or fish (usually salmon, swordfish, or tuna) w/ a cooked green veggie (asparagus, zucchini, broccoli, spinach, artichokes, Brussels sprouts) -or-
  • a recipe I’ve grabbed off the internet or created from family favorites, like
    • Adam’s Hand Pies/Calzones
    • Baked Chicken & Cauliflower “Mac & Cheese” Casserole
    • Homemade Pizza with Fathead Dough crust
    • Zucchini Noodles w/Turkey Meatballs & Pesto
    • Keto Jambalaya

Dessert – almond butter or cheesecake “fat bombs”

Snacks – 

  • baked cheese “crackers”
  • string cheese
  • precooked breakfast meats (bacon, sausage links)
  • pork rinds
  • nuts & seeds

Wherein I whine about whining…

Oddly, friends of mine have been adding me to keto communities on FB, whether or not I have expressed any interest.  I mean, it never hurts to have more recipes, I guess… but I’m getting really tired of  the support aspect of many of these groups.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m all about supporting one another in our journeys, but I’m sick to death of reading people whining about how hard this diet is.  I hear enough whining from my 3 year old and from my inner fat bitch who would prefer for me to subsist on pizza and donuts.  YES, the diet is a tough adjustment from the SAD, but whining is toxic.

I want to tell each of these people, “Listen, you don’t have to be on this diet. You’re making a powerful choice and powerful change. Change is the opposite of comfortable!”

I think part of the problem is that listening to other people complaining does nothing to strengthen my personal resolve. It only amplifies the voice in my head that encourages me to quit or purposefully slip up.

I am well past acknowledging that I have automatic negative thought-patterns whispering in my ear, telling me to harm myself. My full-time job is to tell those thoughts to fuck off.  And right now, one way I do that is by powerfully choosing what I do and don’t put in my mouth.

I think that when it comes to dieting/changing your lifestyle/way-of-eating or WHATEVER you want to call it, it all comes down to one question: What’s your motivation?

It’s okay to admit to yourself that you’re changing your lifestyle in order to lose weight and be healthier. It’s important to be honest with yourself. The real problems that cause yo-yo dieting and will whittle away at your self-esteem come in when your motivation for becoming healthier stems from a place of negativity.

If you’re trying to lose weight because you are sad about what you see in the mirror, it’s easier to get down on yourself along the way because you’re focusing on something that makes you sad.  Your weight loss journey then becomes one of escaping the pain of your own self-flagellation.

The sort of negative self talk that comes from this sort of motivation can sound like, “What’s more important to you? Looking good or tasting a cookie? Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.”  The problem there?  Being unkind to yourself becomes habitual, and habits are tough to break. When and if you reach goal weight, you’ll still have more practice at being unkind to yourself than you have practice at giving yourself credit for your achievements, and you’ll wonder why you still feel sad.

If you’re trying to lose weight because you want more time with the people you love, it’s a lot more difficult to shame yourself.  I mean how can you feel bad about wanting to spend time with people who make you smile? “Would you rather eat a cookie or have more time feeling well with your kid(s)?” makes the choice easier for me, at least.

Of course, it’s absolutely ideal for weight loss to be secondary. I’m extra lucky in that regard.  Seizure control matters to me far more than weight loss — but I’d be lying if I didn’t want to get back to a healthy BMI.   The thing is, I know that in order to achieve weight loss or lasting lifestyle change, I need a happy thought to focus on to get me there. The sad or angry ones don’t help as much, and plateaus are very real.

Anyway, I’ve been really appreciating that I learned in therapy that I can’t control my automatic thoughts, but I can always control my actions.  6 full weeks with no cheating is a big deal for me.

The trick to not cheating? Always have something on hand you can eat. Prepping ahead for grab-and-go eating is the name of the game.

Without further ado, here are more keto-friendly recipes that are worth the dishes they’ll create to make them.

Recipes That Are Totally Worth It

keto mug cake

Eat your heart out, Otis Spunkmeyer.

Here are some recipes that Adam and I have work-shopped and fallen in love with over the last month:

Keto Party Mix – This tastes JUST like Chex Mix. It’s the first time I’ve liked pork rinds. I strongly recommend a deluxe nut mix without peanuts, like the one we got by The Snack Artist.

Rae’s Chocolate Chocolate Chip Mug Cake – I love to split this with Henry for breakfast! Best served with whipped cream and/or coffee.

Rae’s Lemon Blueberry Mug Cake – Another good one for breakfast or just as a treat. 🙂

Adam’s Keto Jambalalya – This one takes time, but yields plenty of delicious leftovers.

fathersdaynutsFather’s Day Trail Mix – This is what Henry and I made for Adam for Father’s Day 2018.  Which reminds me… he’s all out and I need to make him more today. 🙂

Anyway! I have taken a long time writing this out today, and I am frankly amazed that Henry let me get away with it.

I hope that you’re feeling well and are having a good day.

It’s time for me to go do chores, despite somehow being sick with a headcold yet again. (If only Keto also improved my immunoglobulin count!)

Let me know in the comments if you have any questions or recipe requests for me and Adam to makeover!

 

Diet and Still-Not-A-Dictatorship

Posted in Just Life., Keto Diet by

Diet first. It’s easier.

Keto’s still going well. I stopped using MyFitnessPal and actually paid for Cronometer. I regret it, since Adam is happier with MFP, and I’ve had to input no fewer than 20 recipes just for myself in the last 2 weeks.

Part of me wants to switch back to MFP because y’all can see my food/activity diary there, but more of me is like, “Dammit, I paid $40 for this program! I’m gonna use it!”  The reason I paid the $40?  To be able to share recipes with Adam. 😐

As far as deciding which caloric/macro goals to go with, I opted for the goals that I originally had in MFP because I don’t want to lose muscle mass.

Calories 1490
Carbohydrates 19 g (5 %)
Fat 116 g (70 %)
Protein 93 g (25 %)

Weight as of yesterday morning: 188.1 (Whaaaaat?)

I’m down 8 pounds since the start!  It’s kind of crazy to think about, since I didn’t lose any weight on paleo, even with exercise, even when I stuck to it for months at a time. What’s even weirder is that losing weight was not really the point.   Seizure control, improvement in depression and anxiety, and more energy was.

Presently, I’ve got more energy than I used to have on a daily basis.  It’s especially significant since I’ve been really sick this week with an upper respiratory infection.  Like on-antibiotics, sleeping-next-to-a-vaporizer, needing-to-put-Vaseline-on-my-nose sick. I haven’t had an appetite, but I’ve made sure to take all my vitamins and everything.  I’m still in ketosis, according to the strips.  Adam even rocked my socks off yesterday by making 90 second keto mug bread and turning it into grilled cheese.

grilled-cheese-1

Not my sandwich, but very similar looking.

What might be the most significant change, however, is that my constant inner negative chatter is conspicuously missing.  The ruminating suicidal thoughts? Gone after the first full week at or below 30g of carbs. The constant fear that I’m doing something wrong and that my whole world is going to crumble to nothing because I’m somehow woefully inadequate in a way that I cannot even grok? Only present when my PTSD has been triggered.

If my experience is normal, I can’t imagine why changing to this diet wouldn’t be part of any regular treatment plan for folks who are chronically depressed and/or suicidal.  Maybe we just don’t understand the brain or nutrition well enough yet. Maybe I’m an outlier. *shrug*

Anyway, I’ve had fewer mood swings, been more patient with Henry overall, and I’ve been more motivated in every area of my life, despite being sick-on-top-of-ill. Altogether bitchin.

But what’s really super cool? The lack of seizures. Don’t get me wrong — I had a harder time last night (at least 4 of them), but I also had a low grade fever. Pseudoexacerbations happen, yo.  This feels like it’s getting the job done.  I hope it is.

But Really Though…

TBH, no amount of food-obsession-to-help-me-feel-in-control can stop me from thinking about the insane shit happening at our border.

I can’t believe that I find myself wondering why the “good guys with guns” would let thousands of children languish in prison camps.

I can’t believe that I find myself wondering — with police, soldiers, and thousands of other government employees also taking oaths to protect the Constitution, why no one appears to be actively protecting it, aside from lawyers and judges — who are working their happy asses off, I might add. (Seriously, my hat’s off to the ACLU, Southern Poverty Law Center, Lawyers for Good Government, KIND, and RAICES.)

I wonder how there can be so many millions of us deeply outraged at what is happening, and how we can organize marches that will undoubtedly be attended in record numbers — and yet, we march on peaceful streets rather than storm the camps and free the kids.

I wonder about how people can cheer over the President’s executive order when it doesn’t mandate that the children who have already been separated be returned to their families and specifically authorizes indefinite detention for all families in the future.  Nobody deserves “forever” in jail who isn’t a convicted murderer or serial rapist, whether they’re with their family or not. Innocent children should not grow up in jail. The mere thought of it sets me on fire.

I wonder what our lives are even for if we can’t protect infants from the horrors of the American prison-industrial system. Or from being trafficked by the government into illegal adoptions. (Many of the detained children have been sent to Michigan to be under the care of Bethany Christian Services. It is an adoption agency with ties to Betsy DeVos. The adoption system in America is a multi-billion dollar industry.)

Why are we asking #wherearethegirls? Why are we asking #wherearethebabies? Why are we accepting that the camps are demanding 2 weeks notice from government officials before they’ll allow them to even VIEW what’s happening on site with their own eyes? How can we bear witness to kidnapping and false imprisonment and not take direct action against it to make it stop?

Because these acts are being perpetrated by our government, under our watch, with our money, we, as citizens, have an affirmative duty to mitigate the damage and right this wrong as quickly as possible. We are not bystanders! We are part of this.

Are we, as citizens, really so desensitized, so tired, so weak, and comfortable that we can hear the screams of babies in detention, caused by our government, funded by our labor and wages, and not only not feel culpable, but believe there’s truly nothing we can do to make it stop other than giving money to fundraisers and complaining loudly to people who represent private interests (like the for-profit prisons who line Trump’s pockets) more than they do their constituency?

Can we be aware of rampant (1,224 complaints so far!), horrific abuse and still be too afraid of our government to rise up in any meaningful way?

Yeah, probably, until they start coming for us… which is pretty likely to happen since 2/3 of the population has no 4th Amendment rights when it comes to border security.

niemollerquotemonmouthnj580pxw

The real kicker here, though, is that Congress is already gunning for us. They want to fund our concentration camps by getting rid of Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid. They want to pay to enslave people who wish they were citizens by killing actual citizens. The irony isn’t lost on me — especially since  our own government’s study showed that refugees don’t cost us money. They bring in money.  My strong suspicion is that Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare are also bringing in money to America by propping up Big Pharma and the medical industry, but that’s just a guess.

Besides, we all know this isn’t about money.

There are members of the disability community who say that we’re literally fighting for our lives now.  I think our lives are already forfeit, and we should go out swinging if we’re not running, but I’m admittedly pessimistic.

My husband’s litmus test for whether or not we should try to leave the country is if there’s a registry that gets started.   But, let’s be real here: I don’t need a registry to be in danger.  I’m disabled and on SSDI and Medicare.  I’ve been on a registry since 2011, and I know how fascism works.

What I wonder is how long it’ll be before America relents and accepts these concentration camps as “normal” and forgets that the government has already “lost”  1500+ children? How long before another school shooting?

If Americans can’t or won’t stand up to make it safe for our children to go to school without fear  of of being shot — to the point that it’s actually more dangerous to go to school than it is to be a solider in an active war-zone, and they can’t stand up in a meaningful way to stop the literal torture of refugee children whose only crime was hoping for a better life in our country — then they’re sure as shit not going to stand up for their aging parents or disabled friends and family.

So, the question becomes “What can we actually do?”  And I think that the elderly and disabled can do a lot more than Congress supposes. We have a lot more value than most folks realize.

Immigrants do too.  Maybe we’ll all be lucky and Melania will save the world… but probably not.

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Better Living Through Science: Keto

Posted in Just Life., Keto Diet, Uncategorized by

When your mom calls you an hour earlier than normal and says that she’s looking forward to reading about Week 1 on the keto diet, you set up your piece-of-shit laptop  (which will hopefully not crash while I am writing this entry and also will be replaced by the end of the week) and hope for the best.

Week 1: “Lazy” Keto

Adam got tired of me driving myself nuts trying to create perfect meal plans. It mattered far more to him that we get started. So, on 6/4, we decided to jump in with both feet and give it a shot, even though we didn’t have much of a plan.

We’re lucky enough to live in easy walking distance to 4 grocery stores. (No joke: Walmart, Aldi, Jewel-Osco, and Al Nour Supermarket are all less than a half mile.) So, unlike the majority of people on the ketogenic diet, going day-by-day was actually doable and helpful.  It gave me a chance to get out of the house, change our dinner plans as necessary, and pick up ingredients for new recipes that we wanted to try.

For the first week, I went based off of this keto calculator.

1481 kcal Daily Calorie Intake
25 g Carbs (7%, 100 kcal)
80 g Protein (22%, 320 kcal)
118 g Fat (71%, 1061 kcal)

But, when I went to set my percentage goals in MyFitnessPal, I only had options by 5’s, so I ended up with this.

Calories 1490
Carbohydrates 19 g (5 %)
Fat 116 g (70 %)
Protein 93 g (25 %)

I’ve made my food diary on MyFitnessPal public because it’s easier to link you to the information than it is for me to take screenshots — or worse — to type it all out by hand.

Here is how I ate last week.  I did not food journal on Saturday, but I stayed to foods I knew were okay.

Based on my personal data, it said the keto calculator said I should stay above 79g of protein because I am mostly sedentary. I could go as high as 131g — but the best idea is the middle ground of about 105g. When I put my percentages into MFP, it gave me 93, which seemed reasonable.

When I switched to Cronometer, yesterday, however, and chose the Ketogenic diet, my goals appeared very different.

Calories 1640
Carbohydrates 20 g (net: total minus fiber)
Fat 156 g  (Much higher than the original calculator recommends)
Protein 39 g (Much lower than the original calculator recommends)

I’m not really sure which calculator to trust… but I do know that following week 1’s recommendations was doable.  I feel good about my ability to follow that diet.  And, it had a ton of benefits.

  • Reduced seizure activity (thought seizures were still very present towards the end of the week, when I was due for my period)
  • OBVIOUS CHANGE IN BODY SHAPE (My pants are literally falling off me today.)
  • Cognitive fog: lifted
  • TONS more energy

There was, of course, the other side of the coin — Keto Flu, which is bizarre. I needed a ton more sodium and potassium, but twice, chicken stock (bone broth) made all the difference in the world.  The supplement helped too, but I’m not sure how much good 99mg is when you’re supposed to aim for 3500mg

If you’re on Cronometer, and you want access to my food diary, send me a request. My email is rachael.renee at the gmailz.

Recipes That Are Totally Worth It

So, one of the things that happened this week was a lot of experimental cooking and recipe synthesis.  There will obviously be more next week, but here’s some of the recipes that got me through this week.

20180607_122218

My Italian sub roll-ups are so freakin good.

I also tried my hand at making cookies with almond flour, coconut flour, Swerve, and cacao nibs.  They were pretty rough, so the  recipe doesn’t deserve to get shared.  I’m going to try again, this time with Lily’s chips.  If it works out well, I’ll post the recipe.

I’m sure there was other stuff I was going to write about, but I have too much other crap to deal with today.  I’ll try real hard to get back on before next week’s update and write more.  ❤

Mulligan.

Posted in Just Life. by

I legit believed that going to visit my parents for a week would give me the time and opportunity to finish putting together a keto meal plan, recipe archive, and grocery lists. So foolhardy!

I always forget that the first 2 days in Colorado are eaten up by travel and altitude sickness and the last one is also eaten by travel.  I also tend to forget that “visiting my parents” actually means visiting my parents.  It doesn’t mean “dropping my kid off with my parents and taking the opportunity to finish doing a lot of work.”

I have to say that I’m incredibly proud of myself — both for going on this trip and for the way that I handled a ton of situations while I was there. I flew twice with my 3 year old, without anyone else on the plane with us, and everything went well. (We even got compliments!)  I saw my parents, brother, sister-in-law, nephew, cousin, and aunt, and despite the millionty reasons that PTSD, GAD, or depression could have thoroughly hijacked our good time, I managed to leave town on good terms with everyone, and only had a couple of less-than-optimal moments. I managed to leave the room, collect myself, and cool down instead of being immediately reactive and escalating anything. I asked probing questions and listened to the answer to see if what someone was intending to communicate was, in fact, what I actually understood. I used the butterfly technique successfully when necessary.

So, I have no regrets about not starting the ketogenic diet today.  I could have done it anyway and tried flying by the seat of my pants, but every website I have read with regard to this WOE (Way Of Eating, for those not in diet discussion circles) says that careful planning and execution are the keys to success… and even though it means 1 more week of the SAD (Standard American Diet), I’m not wasting any energy on being disappointed in myself.

TBH, I’ve been too busy today alternating between schvitzing like a refrigerated can of coke on an August day in Memphis and suddenly having intense chills and seizing. Thank goodness I’m back in IL and can take an edible that I know works to make it stop. Heck, once the temperature goes above 85, I’m not really good to anyone outside unless I have the right medication and am wearing the proper equipment…

Which brings me to my yearly reminder for anyone who has MS: GET SOME COOLING PRODUCTS SOONER RATHER THAN LATER.  You’ll thank yourself.  I wholeheartedly recommend these guys, but there are plenty of other retailers out there with cooling equipment options. I’m still in love with my under-boob corset of cold and neck wrap.

And now I’m going to get back to work on the diet stuff, because Henry is enjoying Blaze and the Monster Machines, and nobody knows how long this “downtime” will last.

Wishing you the most enjoyable day possible on our national day of outdoor grilling and mourning loved ones.

Ke(y)to Happiness?

Posted in Multiple Sclerosis, Paleo Diet, Science, Seizure Disorder by

The other day, I made a comparison chart for 7 diets that I had considered trying or had actually tried in an effort to improve my MS. It ended up getting featured on Modern Day MS, which is pretty cool.

dietcomparisonpt1

.dietcomparisonpt2

I am almost certain that the diet that I need to be on is the traditional ketogenic diet. It’s ostensibly the best diet for overcoming NAFLD (Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease). This graphic outlines 7 ways that being in ketosis can help you, and I need help with all seven things!  

benefits-of-ketosis-min

Unfortunately, despite my logical brain knowing that this is a good idea, the most of me is absolutely dreading this shift. I will miss the convenience of restaurant food and delivery very much. I will miss comfort foods. I will miss the quiet calm of not having to justify my nutritional choices to others or to myself. (Because, let’s be real, the constant chatter and fretting of Anxiety will happen no matter what, and it’ll do its damnedest to make me question myself every bite along the way.)

friendseatthat

I think one of the hardest things about changing my way of eating at the moment is the fact that I have a precocious three-year-old who survives primarily on Goldfish crackers, peanut butter Ritz Bits, chicken nuggets, French fries, and various fruits. Honestly, reading that, I feel Shame. (“Big S” shame. Toxic shit.) Of course, like anyone seriously considering this diet, I watched The Magic Pill on Netflix, and felt like a terrible parent.

My boy is 39 inches tall and nearly 40 lb. I don’t know that changing his diet is the right thing to do – but, I do know that I will absentmindedly snack on Chex Mix if I’m serving it to him. If I’m genuinely convinced by the science surrounding the ketogenic diet — about it being the optimal way for humans to eat — why would I continue to feed my child a diet that is likely to set him up for type 2 diabetes in the future?

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My little ham.

Why am I so filled with anxiety over justifying these nutritional choices even to myself? Do I just like sugar that much? And, why is it so damn hard for me to just be part of normal society? Isn’t it enough that I’ve got a majillion chronic illnesses? Do I need more social isolation? Do I really have to make my life even more difficult? 

And will it just make life more difficult, or will it actually work?

If it works, it could make things so much better for us. I want to be able to imagine a future free from complications of NAFLD, hypertension, high cholesterol, and depression and anxiety. I’m honestly a little giddy over the thought of raising my seizure threshold. If I actually believe the science regarding how my physical health should improve, then it’s absolutely worth it…

Unfortunately, I have doubts. And it’s reasonable that I have doubts! Scientists sometimes lie for money. I did everything I was told by my doctors regarding diet for most of my life, which meant eating lots of low-fat, high complex carb food, which has, in part, led to the health that I am currently experiencing.

I feel so hopeless and depressed.  Living in a post-fact society, I have no idea who is trustworthy.  I want to feel empowered and excited. I want to inspire you to come of a journey of health and rebirth with me, knowing that the outcome will be stellar and worth the emotional investment.

The truth, however, is that I’m having a really hard time even being motivated right now, and so I’m looking for as many credible studies as I can find. Like these… and these… and this. It’s easy to find pieces challenging it.

My therapist isn’t much help with my depression these days. She says I have all the tools in my tool box.  It’s all up to me.  Well, either it’s all up to me to take the best possible actions or it’s time to find a new therapist, which may also be one of those positive actions, depending on whether or not I’m able to continue to hold myself together. To be totally honest, the idea that I could have “beaten” my mental illnesses sort of cracks me up when I legit had to do EMDR butterfly hugs just this morning.  

Still, I know meditation and my actions are only part of the equation.  Major depression is a biological disease affected by MS and caused by brain inflammation. Oh, and btw, “[p]eople with depression who [experience] suicidal thoughts … exhibit significantly higher levels of TSPO, … indicating inflammation of the brain.” [source] I’ve only visited that thought pattern a few billion times. 

But, guys — guess what is decreased when you’re on a ketogenic diet? Brain inflammation. [source]

So, I will start this diet on Memorial Day whether I feel like it or not.

I am ready to feel better. I want to be happier and lighter-hearted and thinner and to live longer for my boy. I’m just not looking forward to the hard part.

I’m glad to be reading Barbara Applebaum’s book Be Your Own Superhero. It’s really helping me with motivation right now.

—

Also in a positive direction, I have logged out of Facebook in Chrome on my telephone, and I will not log back in. So, now I not only do not have the app, but I have to actively log in on Chrome or open up my laptop if I want to immerse myself in other people’s opinions, problems, and other random bullshit.

I decided I’m tired of putting myself in harm’s way, and with the knowledge that real life is triggering my PTSD on its own, (Thanks, Dominionists!) I don’t need to poke the bear. I want to use my time better.

So, I’m using that time to craft a month-long meal plan with recipes. I’ll have a plan for ~1400 calories/day for me and one for whatever Adam’s ideal calorie count happens to be. I’m guessing ~1800.

Let me know if you want to do it with us. 

Obligatory Title For Posting the Bloggything.

Posted in Just Life. by

We have a new development, folks. One that is pretty significant.

Henry has reached an age where I can set up my laptop in the same room with him, and he actually lets me write!!!

This is awesome! It’s also frustrating, because I have so many things I’ve been wanting to blog about recently.

  • I had a relapse last month. It’s over. Nobody really needs to read about it.
  • Writing for “free” for other publications, and whether or not monetizing this blog makes any sense at all. (Does it? I’ve been writing here for 10 years and never tried to actually make money.)
  • The push-pull between accepting disability and struggling against it — because capitalism and parenting… (Kids are fucking pricey, yo.)
  • Comparing and contrasting the latest diets for MS and weight loss
    • Standard Ketogenic Diet
    • Wahls Paleo Plus (which is a specific type of keto diet)
    • Code Red (which also looks like a kind of keto diet)
    • AIP – Auto Immune Paleo Protocol (which may be done as a keto diet)
    • Wahls Paleo
    • Standard Paleo
  • How to meditate, and why it’s hard sometimes, especially when you’re upset.
  • I also need to finish Barbara Applebaum’s new book and review it.

I removed FB from my phone, btw. So, my engagement with depressed and/or angry strangers is way down and engagement with Henry is way up. He turns 3 in 2 days.

I can’t believe that my little guy is now an avid gamer — good with both tablet and PC video games, and he’s getting better with following directions for card games and board games. Like, I remember freaking out, worrying he was never going to roll over. How we got from there to him demanding freedom to jump between Disney Junior games and PBSKids.org is beyond me. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the foam polyhedral dice we gave him at 6 months…

Anyway, Henry knows his shapes and colors and can count from 1-20 in English (and 1-10 in Spanish, French, and Japanese, thanks to my months-long daily repetition of this video. He also understands some basic phrases in all 3 languages, thanks to Little Pim.) He knows his ABCs and can identify letters individually. He can sometimes sound words out, but real understanding isn’t all the way there, in no small part because he’s an impatient toddler.

Still, he’s able to recognize who I’m texting with even without a picture… so he knows his daddy’s name and the names of his BFFs mommies on sight. 🙂 And let’s not forget that before I entirely cleared my phone’s ICE presets, he’d figured out how to call Busia, MeeMaw, Pa-Pa, and Daddy whenever he wanted to.  The kid is clever. Needless to say, I’m proud of him.

I’m also not sold on the idea that he needs to go to preschool. It can be crazy expensive.  I’m not convinced it’s either necessary or good for him, though I am determined to get him into some quality extra-curricular classes, because he deserves more social interaction.

Right now, I’m looking at gymnastics, music, art, and dance offerings near us. If we still lived on the north side, I’d be signing him up for a kajillion classes at Old Towne School of Folk Music, but we don’t.

I’m actually really bummed that our local Gymboree Play and Music doesn’t offer music classes, art classes, or really anything for kids who are older than 2, other than a single class for families — which means he’d need a sibling under the age of 2…

Tinkergarten might also be a good option, but it’s only 1 hour a week.

There’s always time with other kids at our gym… but we’d have to actually go, and every time we step in the doors, we leave with a new illness.

The cycle goes

  1. Excited to work out!
  2. Obviously sick but going to the gym anyway, because FITNESS!
  3. Unable to get out of bed.
  4. Better but afraid to go back to the gym and get sick again.
  5. Sad about being chubby and determined to change my activity level.

(And repeat, ad nauseum.)

And then there’s always the park… which we’re going to right now, because if I waste a 60 degree, sunny day, shame on me.

Hope y’all are having a good day. ❤

Testing… 1, 2, 3…

Posted in Uncategorized by

*tap, tap, tap* Is this thing on? Well, I hope so.

This week, we, as a world, found out that FB gave out the personal info of, well, pretty much everybody in the country, to Cambridge Analytica — a move which has caused many of my friends to delete their Facebook accounts.

I say, “Good for them.”  I can’t bring myself to do it for a multitude of reasons, despite really wanting to.

While it’s true that I could just write here, I would lose connection with too many people.  My phone already frequently complains that it doesn’t have room to update apps, and I’ve barely got any on there to begin with. (The latest Android system update feels bloated AF.) I hardly use Snapchat or Instagram. I only Tweet when I’m on my laptop, and I’m too tired to learn a new media platform this week. (I’m sick with another upper respiratory virus.) Besides, I don’t want to miss out on any of the psych-ops that are targeted at me. 🙂 Why would I want to waste those agents’ hard work? 🙂

Honestly,  there’s a lot that I want to write about.  So much, in fact, that creating a cohesive entry seems too tough.

So here are things.

Henry’s about to be 3, and he’s pretty fucking amazing.  He’s pooping in the potty now, like a big boy, and that blows my mind wide open. It’s the best. It’s game-changing.  I can’t wait til the potty becomes the toilet.  We’re so, SO close. Of course, once that’s complete, odds are rather good that I’ll be wiping butt #2. (Dear Lord, please see fit to let me wipe butt #2.)

He’s also gotten really good at turning my words around on me at the perfect moment.  “Be calm, Mommy! Big breaths up in your belly!” is probably my favorite thing he’s said to me all week.  He’s also decided that I deserve M&Ms when I make tinkle, too. When I refuse them, it makes him sad. It’s a good reminder that I don’t give myself credit.

Speaking of credit… I’ve been thinking about creating an app or piggybacking on another one.  See, in Habitica, you get coins and experience points for doing things. You “level up” and can use these imaginary chits to buy crap for your avatar — or you can assign “things” to yourself.  (Like 200 gold for a real-life something or other)

I feel like it’s super important for my mental health that I start recognizing the things I actually accomplish, since so many of my tasks are revolving (dishes, laundry, etc.) — and I’ve been repeatedly hearing “You must imagine Sisyphus happy.”

I’m also exhausted right now, and am going to try to nap before my husband gets home with the kiddo.  So, even though I’d love to talk about the many levels of exciting and amused I would be to read a headline like “President Trump Goes Down Because Of Porn Star Gag Order,”  it’ll have to wait.

Oh, yeah, and March is MS Awareness month. Be awarer. *lol*

It’s Not Cancer!!!

Posted in Just Life., Music by

The tumors in my liver are benign, likely caused by ~20 years of hormonal birth control. My bone marrow looks good. Chromosomes look good. Doc thinks that the high LDH was caused by nonalcoholic steatohepatitis (NASH) — a specific type of fatty liver disease, which we already knew I was dealing with.

So, amazingly enough, there’s nothing new to deal with here — just another situation where I’m being told to lose weight and increase activity. I’m on board. I’m eating less, thanks to gastritis, and I’m almost done meal planning for a month’s worth of AIP. Part of me is looking forward to it.  It’s gonna be my form of Lent.

One great side effect of genuinely believing that I was about to have to fight cancer is that I have a fucking long to-do list, filled with awesome things.  Stuff like, “Record all your original songs, even the ones that you think are mediocre.” and “Remember how to have fun by going on lots of adventures and writing about it.”

are-you-not-entertained-24264909

I will try harder. This health bullshit is boring AF.

I think I’m going to need to hire someone to transcribe music for me. For too many years, I’ve let my distaste for transcription (read: knowledge that my skills are so weak that it’s painful, slow, and often inaccurate) stand in the way of my songwriting.  It’s actually the reason that I dropped out of Songwriting I at Berklee.  I rocked all available lyric writing classes and absolutely loved them, but when it came to actually writing out my own music, to be judged by a guy who has taught iconic songwriters, I cowered. There’s no other word for it.  I felt like I just couldn’t do it… so I couldn’t. And I haven’t. Add the facts that the class was at 9 a.m. and I’d just chosen music business as my major, and dropping the class seemed like a no-brainer at the time.  If ever I wished I had pushed myself harder while in college, it’s then.  Opportunities like Berklee songwriting classes don’t come around every day.

One thing that 2 weeks of wondering about my mortality was good for was recognizing areas where I’ve let myself down, and I’m kind of sick at my stomach over my level of cowardice. I’m gonna work a lot harder on feeling bad about myself for actually making mistakes instead of feeling bad about myself for not doing things that I’m afraid I’m going to fuck up. You can’t fail if you don’t try… but if you don’t try, you’re kinda failing at life.

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Uncorked.

Posted in Just Life. by

So, this entry is a little overdue, and I’m not even going to pretend that I’m going to be able to be terribly organized in my thinking… but I’ll try.

I’ve been living through a medical shitstorm. Here are the highlights.

  • Tummy Troubles: I had an endoscopy last Friday (1/12). I have gastritis. Unknown cause. Stopped omeprazole & ranitidine. Started taking Dexilant. So far, so good. I don’t know the cause, but I’ve had more energy since I started taking it.
  • CT Scan results: very small hiatal hernia, small umbilical hernia, hypodensities in the spleen & liver
  • Hematology: Lab results were abnormal. They found immature cells in my blood. My immunoglobulins are low across the board and wonky especially in my igAs. LDH was really high. Doc said I needed a bone marrow biopsy, so I did that yesterday (1/17). Results will be given 1/31.

Of all of the diagnostic testing and surgeries I’ve endured in my life, the bone marrow biopsy was, without question, the most painful to endure (though for a short period of time), and the quickest to recover from (less than 24 hours before I was feeling fine.)

I actually said, while still in the room, that I’d rather get another c-section than go through that again. (I’m talking about the surgery being done with spinal anesthesia.  As long as I can’t feel it, I have absolutely no fucks to give. Recovery? That’s another story. Also, I want another baby, so sign me up for another c-section. Seriously.)

I still think it’s hilarious that my mom thinks that it looked like they were trying to uncork a bottle of wine when they were doing the aspiration. I kinda want to do that right now.

New-York-Magazine-Wine

I’m a lightweight, but that doesn’t look like enough.

See, I’m a realist. I know that if they’re seeing shit on CT and my immunoglobulins have been decreasing for a year and my LDH is up and I need to use marijuana to be able to eat that I probably have cancer. Blood cancer? Liver cancer? Is there such a thing as Spleen cancer? Who the fuck knows. It just is a question of whether it’s the kind that you can survive.  I’m ready for a name so that I can kick it’s ass.

witches-cauldron-shakespeare-code-drwho-doctor-who-back-when

I name you, Carrier Knight!

Anyway, it turns out my deepest, darkest fear right now is that my son will grow up and have no memory of me, so I plan on recording videos. Like, a lot of really awful, candid videos. I might post em here. I might not. I honestly don’t know.  I’m not sure who would want to see them who isn’t related to me anyway. Hell, I don’t even know if Future Henry will want to watch em. Or if he’ll even need them. God, I hope he doesn’t. Truly, I can’t really get settled on whether or not I’m worried.  It all seems surreal.

Like, I’m not scared about adding another disease to the roster. I’m resigned to treatment already. I’m honestly thinking things like, “Hey! If I have to nuke my whole immune system to survive, I might be able to kill cancer and MS at the same time. TWOFER, BITCHES!!!”

And on the other side of things, my parents want to be at the 1/31 appointment, and that part that’s in complete denial about how much this could all suck is like, “WTF, guys. Nothing to see here. This is all boring crap. Stay home. I’ll text when its over.”

So, IDK, guys. This is what my life is like right now.

I’m grateful that my mom is in town, and that Henry is getting special time with her.  I’m grateful that my biopsy site is healing up well. I’m grateful that Adam’s root canal surgery was painless today, and am hopeful for a similar experience for him day after tomorrow.

If I find out that I’m terminal, I wonder what about life I would do differently.  If I can answer that question, I’ll be making the changes anyway.