Diet and Still-Not-A-Dictatorship

Diet first. It’s easier.

Keto’s still going well. I stopped using MyFitnessPal and actually paid for Cronometer. I regret it, since Adam is happier with MFP, and I’ve had to input no fewer than 20 recipes just for myself in the last 2 weeks.

Part of me wants to switch back to MFP because y’all can see my food/activity diary there, but more of me is like, “Dammit, I paid $40 for this program! I’m gonna use it!”  The reason I paid the $40?  To be able to share recipes with Adam. 😐

As far as deciding which caloric/macro goals to go with, I opted for the goals that I originally had in MFP because I don’t want to lose muscle mass.

Calories 1490
Carbohydrates 19 g (5 %)
Fat 116 g (70 %)
Protein 93 g (25 %)

Weight as of yesterday morning: 188.1 (Whaaaaat?)

I’m down 8 pounds since the start!  It’s kind of crazy to think about, since I didn’t lose any weight on paleo, even with exercise, even when I stuck to it for months at a time. What’s even weirder is that losing weight was not really the point.   Seizure control, improvement in depression and anxiety, and more energy was.

Presently, I’ve got more energy than I used to have on a daily basis.  It’s especially significant since I’ve been really sick this week with an upper respiratory infection.  Like on-antibiotics, sleeping-next-to-a-vaporizer, needing-to-put-Vaseline-on-my-nose sick. I haven’t had an appetite, but I’ve made sure to take all my vitamins and everything.  I’m still in ketosis, according to the strips.  Adam even rocked my socks off yesterday by making 90 second keto mug bread and turning it into grilled cheese.

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Not my sandwich, but very similar looking.

What might be the most significant change, however, is that my constant inner negative chatter is conspicuously missing.  The ruminating suicidal thoughts? Gone after the first full week at or below 30g of carbs. The constant fear that I’m doing something wrong and that my whole world is going to crumble to nothing because I’m somehow woefully inadequate in a way that I cannot even grok? Only present when my PTSD has been triggered.

If my experience is normal, I can’t imagine why changing to this diet wouldn’t be part of any regular treatment plan for folks who are chronically depressed and/or suicidal.  Maybe we just don’t understand the brain or nutrition well enough yet. Maybe I’m an outlier. *shrug*

Anyway, I’ve had fewer mood swings, been more patient with Henry overall, and I’ve been more motivated in every area of my life, despite being sick-on-top-of-ill. Altogether bitchin.

But what’s really super cool? The lack of seizures. Don’t get me wrong — I had a harder time last night (at least 4 of them), but I also had a low grade fever. Pseudoexacerbations happen, yo.  This feels like it’s getting the job done.  I hope it is.

But Really Though…

TBH, no amount of food-obsession-to-help-me-feel-in-control can stop me from thinking about the insane shit happening at our border.

I can’t believe that I find myself wondering why the “good guys with guns” would let thousands of children languish in prison camps.

I can’t believe that I find myself wondering — with police, soldiers, and thousands of other government employees also taking oaths to protect the Constitution, why no one appears to be actively protecting it, aside from lawyers and judges — who are working their happy asses off, I might add. (Seriously, my hat’s off to the ACLU, Southern Poverty Law Center, Lawyers for Good Government, KIND, and RAICES.)

I wonder how there can be so many millions of us deeply outraged at what is happening, and how we can organize marches that will undoubtedly be attended in record numbers — and yet, we march on peaceful streets rather than storm the camps and free the kids.

I wonder about how people can cheer over the President’s executive order when it doesn’t mandate that the children who have already been separated be returned to their families and specifically authorizes indefinite detention for all families in the future.  Nobody deserves “forever” in jail who isn’t a convicted murderer or serial rapist, whether they’re with their family or not. Innocent children should not grow up in jail. The mere thought of it sets me on fire.

I wonder what our lives are even for if we can’t protect infants from the horrors of the American prison-industrial system. Or from being trafficked by the government into illegal adoptions. (Many of the detained children have been sent to Michigan to be under the care of Bethany Christian Services. It is an adoption agency with ties to Betsy DeVos. The adoption system in America is a multi-billion dollar industry.)

Why are we asking #wherearethegirls? Why are we asking #wherearethebabies? Why are we accepting that the camps are demanding 2 weeks notice from government officials before they’ll allow them to even VIEW what’s happening on site with their own eyes? How can we bear witness to kidnapping and false imprisonment and not take direct action against it to make it stop?

Because these acts are being perpetrated by our government, under our watch, with our money, we, as citizens, have an affirmative duty to mitigate the damage and right this wrong as quickly as possible. We are not bystanders! We are part of this.

Are we, as citizens, really so desensitized, so tired, so weak, and comfortable that we can hear the screams of babies in detention, caused by our government, funded by our labor and wages, and not only not feel culpable, but believe there’s truly nothing we can do to make it stop other than giving money to fundraisers and complaining loudly to people who represent private interests (like the for-profit prisons who line Trump’s pockets) more than they do their constituency?

Can we be aware of rampant (1,224 complaints so far!), horrific abuse and still be too afraid of our government to rise up in any meaningful way?

Yeah, probably, until they start coming for us… which is pretty likely to happen since 2/3 of the population has no 4th Amendment rights when it comes to border security.

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The real kicker here, though, is that Congress is already gunning for us. They want to fund our concentration camps by getting rid of Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid. They want to pay to enslave people who wish they were citizens by killing actual citizens. The irony isn’t lost on me — especially since  our own government’s study showed that refugees don’t cost us money. They bring in money.  My strong suspicion is that Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare are also bringing in money to America by propping up Big Pharma and the medical industry, but that’s just a guess.

Besides, we all know this isn’t about money.

There are members of the disability community who say that we’re literally fighting for our lives now.  I think our lives are already forfeit, and we should go out swinging if we’re not running, but I’m admittedly pessimistic.

My husband’s litmus test for whether or not we should try to leave the country is if there’s a registry that gets started.   But, let’s be real here: I don’t need a registry to be in danger.  I’m disabled and on SSDI and Medicare.  I’ve been on a registry since 2011, and I know how fascism works.

What I wonder is how long it’ll be before America relents and accepts these concentration camps as “normal” and forgets that the government has already “lost”  1500+ children? How long before another school shooting?

If Americans can’t or won’t stand up to make it safe for our children to go to school without fear  of of being shot — to the point that it’s actually more dangerous to go to school than it is to be a solider in an active war-zone, and they can’t stand up in a meaningful way to stop the literal torture of refugee children whose only crime was hoping for a better life in our country — then they’re sure as shit not going to stand up for their aging parents or disabled friends and family.

So, the question becomes “What can we actually do?”  And I think that the elderly and disabled can do a lot more than Congress supposes. We have a lot more value than most folks realize.

Immigrants do too.  Maybe we’ll all be lucky and Melania will save the world… but probably not.

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Better Living Through Science: Keto

When your mom calls you an hour earlier than normal and says that she’s looking forward to reading about Week 1 on the keto diet, you set up your piece-of-shit laptop  (which will hopefully not crash while I am writing this entry and also will be replaced by the end of the week) and hope for the best.

Week 1: “Lazy” Keto

Adam got tired of me driving myself nuts trying to create perfect meal plans. It mattered far more to him that we get started. So, on 6/4, we decided to jump in with both feet and give it a shot, even though we didn’t have much of a plan.

We’re lucky enough to live in easy walking distance to 4 grocery stores. (No joke: Walmart, Aldi, Jewel-Osco, and Al Nour Supermarket are all less than a half mile.) So, unlike the majority of people on the ketogenic diet, going day-by-day was actually doable and helpful.  It gave me a chance to get out of the house, change our dinner plans as necessary, and pick up ingredients for new recipes that we wanted to try.

For the first week, I went based off of this keto calculator.

1481 kcal Daily Calorie Intake
25 g Carbs (7%, 100 kcal)
80 g Protein (22%, 320 kcal)
118 g Fat (71%, 1061 kcal)

But, when I went to set my percentage goals in MyFitnessPal, I only had options by 5’s, so I ended up with this.

Calories 1490
Carbohydrates 19 g (5 %)
Fat 116 g (70 %)
Protein 93 g (25 %)

I’ve made my food diary on MyFitnessPal public because it’s easier to link you to the information than it is for me to take screenshots — or worse — to type it all out by hand.

Here is how I ate last week.  I did not food journal on Saturday, but I stayed to foods I knew were okay.

Based on my personal data, it said the keto calculator said I should stay above 79g of protein because I am mostly sedentary. I could go as high as 131g — but the best idea is the middle ground of about 105g. When I put my percentages into MFP, it gave me 93, which seemed reasonable.

When I switched to Cronometer, yesterday, however, and chose the Ketogenic diet, my goals appeared very different.

Calories 1640
Carbohydrates 20 g (net: total minus fiber)
Fat 156 g  (Much higher than the original calculator recommends)
Protein 39 g (Much lower than the original calculator recommends)

I’m not really sure which calculator to trust… but I do know that following week 1’s recommendations was doable.  I feel good about my ability to follow that diet.  And, it had a ton of benefits.

  • Reduced seizure activity (thought seizures were still very present towards the end of the week, when I was due for my period)
  • OBVIOUS CHANGE IN BODY SHAPE (My pants are literally falling off me today.)
  • Cognitive fog: lifted
  • TONS more energy

There was, of course, the other side of the coin — Keto Flu, which is bizarre. I needed a ton more sodium and potassium, but twice, chicken stock (bone broth) made all the difference in the world.  The supplement helped too, but I’m not sure how much good 99mg is when you’re supposed to aim for 3500mg

If you’re on Cronometer, and you want access to my food diary, send me a request. My email is rachael.renee at the gmailz.

Recipes That Are Totally Worth It

So, one of the things that happened this week was a lot of experimental cooking and recipe synthesis.  There will obviously be more next week, but here’s some of the recipes that got me through this week.

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My Italian sub roll-ups are so freakin good.

I also tried my hand at making cookies with almond flour, coconut flour, Swerve, and cacao nibs.  They were pretty rough, so the  recipe doesn’t deserve to get shared.  I’m going to try again, this time with Lily’s chips.  If it works out well, I’ll post the recipe.

I’m sure there was other stuff I was going to write about, but I have too much other crap to deal with today.  I’ll try real hard to get back on before next week’s update and write more.  ❤