So, this entry is a little overdue, and I’m not even going to pretend that I’m going to be able to be terribly organized in my thinking… but I’ll try.

I’ve been living through a medical shitstorm. Here are the highlights.

• Tummy Troubles: I had an endoscopy last Friday (1/12). I have gastritis. Unknown cause. Stopped omeprazole & ranitidine. Started taking Dexilant. So far, so good. I don’t know the cause, but I’ve had more energy since I started taking it.
• CT Scan results: very small hiatal hernia, small umbilical hernia, hypodensities in the spleen & liver
• Hematology: Lab results were abnormal. They found immature cells in my blood. My immunoglobulins are low across the board and wonky especially in my igAs. LDH was really high. Doc said I needed a bone marrow biopsy, so I did that yesterday (1/17). Results will be given 1/31.

Of all of the diagnostic testing and surgeries I’ve endured in my life, the bone marrow biopsy was, without question, the most painful to endure (though for a short period of time), and the quickest to recover from (less than 24 hours before I was feeling fine.)

I actually said, while still in the room, that I’d rather get another c-section than go through that again. (I’m talking about the surgery being done with spinal anesthesia.  As long as I can’t feel it, I have absolutely no fucks to give. Recovery? That’s another story. Also, I want another baby, so sign me up for another c-section. Seriously.)

I still think it’s hilarious that my mom thinks that it looked like they were trying to uncork a bottle of wine when they were doing the aspiration. I kinda want to do that right now.

See, I’m a realist. I know that if they’re seeing shit on CT and my immunoglobulins have been decreasing for a year and my LDH is up and I need to use marijuana to be able to eat that I probably have cancer. Blood cancer? Liver cancer? Is there such a thing as Spleen cancer? Who the fuck knows. It just is a question of whether it’s the kind that you can survive.  I’m ready for a name so that I can kick it’s ass.

Anyway, it turns out my deepest, darkest fear right now is that my son will grow up and have no memory of me, so I plan on recording videos. Like, a lot of really awful, candid videos. I might post em here. I might not. I honestly don’t know.  I’m not sure who would want to see them who isn’t related to me anyway. Hell, I don’t even know if Future Henry will want to watch em. Or if he’ll even need them. God, I hope he doesn’t. Truly, I can’t really get settled on whether or not I’m worried.  It all seems surreal.

Like, I’m not scared about adding another disease to the roster. I’m resigned to treatment already. I’m honestly thinking things like, “Hey! If I have to nuke my whole immune system to survive, I might be able to kill cancer and MS at the same time. TWOFER, BITCHES!!!”

And on the other side of things, my parents want to be at the 1/31 appointment, and that part that’s in complete denial about how much this could all suck is like, “WTF, guys. Nothing to see here. This is all boring crap. Stay home. I’ll text when its over.”

So, IDK, guys. This is what my life is like right now.

I’m grateful that my mom is in town, and that Henry is getting special time with her.  I’m grateful that my biopsy site is healing up well. I’m grateful that Adam’s root canal surgery was painless today, and am hopeful for a similar experience for him day after tomorrow.

If I find out that I’m terminal, I wonder what about life I would do differently.  If I can answer that question, I’ll be making the changes anyway.