All the things.

Argh! So many thoughts. So much going in my brain. Unfortunately, it’s not organized, really, so you’re getting a good, ole fashioned Rae braindump.

I woke up this morning well-rested, which almost never happens. I think it’s because of the new strains of medical marijuana that I’ve just gotten access to. (Harmony for daytime, which is a 1:1 THC/CBD strain, and Mag Mile, a heavy indica that puts muscle spasms down, for bedtime.)  Crazy thing, sleeping well because you’re properly medicated!

Even better, I woke up to find out that “marijuana cannabinoids hold the capacity to literally kill the brain inflammation responsible for causing cognitive decline, neural failure, and brain degeneration. ” {story here}  Put plainly, it means that if you have multiple sclerosis and you’re not using cannabis in some form, you’re missing out on something very helpful for you!

I mean, today I almost feel like a normal person who can get things done, even with a toddler. Almost. 🙂 I’m still blogging instead of doing dishes, so…

Anyway. I think the best thing I’ve done recently has been to really look at some of my worst case scenarios in an attempt to fight anxiety. And really, they’re not so bad.

If Trump & party decide to go full Nazi, Canada and Japan are both making it easier for Americans to immigrate. Sure, Adam and I would dearly miss our family and friends, but we started out in Los Angeles, without any of them.  Japan is lower on the list for us, since we don’t speak Japanese yet, and they’re easily within North Korea’s nuclear radius.

Then again, nuclear annihilation is instant and painless. We all have to die sometime. It’s the only guarantee in life. How great would it be to not worry about death hurting? We’d be dust before our pain receptors got the message. And the afterlife? If it’s actually the brain activity that exists after death, there’s no suffering there either, because there’s no brain.

And can you imagine not worrying about who and what you’re leaving behind, and how they’ll be because it all went kablooey at the same time you did?  WHEW.

I mean, it’s fucking dark to think this way, I know — but I’ve been dark as long as I remember being alive. There’s definitely something comforting to me about going out with the rest of humanity… In a really warped way of thinking, it’s kind of a merciful possibility. Nobody would have to deal with calling ScienceCare or planning a memorial for me. Less stress for everyone! (Dead people can’t stress.)

Of course, I’m thinking about this because the POTUS has some serious mental health issues, and North Korea is actively running tests for a first-strike nuclear program.

Oh, and because I read all of the bullshit linked in this blog entry on Facebook, which is both a good thing and a bad thing.

I took a FB vacation for a few weeks in February, and it was really helpful. It let me know that a huge amount of my anxiety comes from reading news that my friends think they should share… but I had to ask myself whether reading that stuff was making me happy or if any of it was helpful.  And the answer to both questions was a resounding “nope.”

My signal-to-noise ratio was all fucked up again.  I was seeing multiple stories about terrible things that I cannot affect every day, multiple times a day (since the stories pop up over and over and over again when people comment on them). Even though you train yourself to just scroll past, it still takes up mental/emotional bandwidth.

So, these days, I only hit FB when the kiddo is sleeping or I’m killing time in a waiting room or going to the bathroom or something.  Whether or not I read about it, antisemitism, poverty, class warfare, fascism, racism, and sexism are going to exist. I’d really rather spend my time dealing with shit I can affect, like potty training Henry. (Pun very much intended.)

He’s really amazed me, picking up potty training so fast.  He’s doing really good about staying dry as far as pee-pee is concerned, but he hasn’t learned how to poop on the potty yet.  I know we’re getting close though, which is both incredibly exciting and a very tiny bit sad. (He’s a big boy! He’s not a baby anymore.)  We need to pick him up some big-boy undies. Right now, I’ve somehow got him snowed into thinking that cloth diapers are big-boy pants. I know it’s not gonna last long. *lol*

Anyway, if you’ve stuck through this entry long enough to get to this point, you totally deserve a picture… because my boy is beautiful, and he makes me smile. I hope this pic makes you smile too. I took it this morning.

Henry 22 mo