Where I Should Be Writing

Well, the last few weeks have been… interesting.

My mom came in town last Wednesday (2/1) and stayed with us all the way until yesterday. We were together for an entire week and a half…and it took over a week before I completely lost my shit on her.

On the one hand, I see that as immense growth. After starting EMDR therapy for PTSD and realizing years of repressed anger, I used to only be able to handle being around her and being kind/civil for about 3 days at a time before becoming an overly-emotional reactionary mess…so going more than a week is deserving of a high-five at the very least.

On the other hand, I’m still sick at my stomach for losing it on her in the first place, on the day before she left. I said shit that was mean and that I don’t actually think. Don’t get me wrong, I apologized, and we’re good now — but I really wish that I had more emotional control when I’m already triggered and am trying, desperately, to regain rationality.

Truth of the matter is, keeping my anxiety in check has been nearly impossible since Trump took office. The amount of irrational fear that I was experiencing when he announced the travel ban was enough on its own — but all of the internet think pieces forecasting the demise of all of humanity was just too much for me.

I lost my damn mind one morning because Adam didn’t understand how totally important it was to leave the country immediately (even though he and Henry didn’t have passports yet) and ended up going for a long walk in my nearly threadbare pajamas in 12 degree weather until I could cool my jets and act like a semi-reasonable human being.

In the twenty minutes-or-so that I was gone, Adam called my mom and my therapist.  I’m glad he realized that he didn’t need to call the cops this time… because we all know, he’ll do it if he needs to.

Social Media Changes

The first major change that occurred when I got home is that we put a site blocker on my laptop. If I try to go to Facebook, I get redirected to Cute Overload. If I try to hit Twitter, I’m redirected to ICanHazCheeseburger. If I try to go to Reuters or the Associated Press, it sends me straight to FailBlog.  Because, let’s be real… the news is full of fail right now.

I haven’t read my Facebook or Twitter news feeds in nearly 2 weeks, though I have kept Messenger around for PMing with friends. I both miss feeling “in the know” about what’s going on in my friends lives and in the world around us — and don’t at all miss feeling the near-constant panic that comes along with Facebook’s ability to show you the same bad news 10 different ways with 10 different click-bait-worthy headlines all foreshadowing imminent doom… And I sure as shit don’t need to scroll past comments showing that there really are morons out there who both want to fight for fetal “rights” and also stop those same babies from ever being able to be covered by insurance… or women who simultaneously scream that racism is over and that they don’t need feminism because they have Jesus, but don’t understand why white, affluent rapists don’t get sent to prison.

Truly, I always knew those folks were out there. Shit, I grew up in around a ton of them… (you don’t have members of your own high school drumline drawing swastikas on your practice pad and books and get to ignore the rise of NeoNazim in the South) but I don’t have to read their hate-filled, scarcity-based fearmongering.  I don’t even have to see that it exists and scroll past it. I can stop tuning in.  I wouldn’t watch FoxNews or CNN all day, so why would I let the 24 hr news cycle rule my social feed?

Instead, I downloaded Instagram and SnapChat.  There’s almost zero in the way of political crap, and that suits me fine. I’m actually seeing more personal pictures and am reading about what’s going on in the lives of my friends, which is what I actually care about.

I also do not understand SnapChat yet… because sometimes I want to see what someone said again, and I can’t get it to replay.  It’s frustrating. I swear I’m not a luddite, btw… just a little lazy, considering everything else going on in life.

But my real new addiction?  A game called Habitica. I’m still learning it, but I think it’s is one of the best possible changes in my life.  It has multiple to-do lists that you can populate with what you need to, and it gives you experience points and loot for living in integrity with your intentions.

It also doesn’t hurt that I have both a cotton-candy pink wolf and a royal purple tiger cub as pets that I got for remembering to brush my teeth, take my meds every morning and night, and eat 3 meals a day, every day this week. (It’s the little things, for real.)  It tickles me that I’m going to be getting fake gold coins for remembering to make social contact with people I like at least 3 times a week.

Anyway, much as I’d like to keep writing, Henry is up from his nap, and we have limited daylight left to take a walk on a beautifully sunny 48 degree Sunday afternoon. So, for now, I’m gonna wrap it up.

I’m not dumping my thoughts in 140 characters or easy/fast/thoughtless status updates anymore… so, I think we all know where my significant updates will be found. (Right here.)  That also means that if you want to comment on any blog entry where I can see it, you’re gonna need to comment right here and not on Twitter or on FB. I won’t see either of those. 

 

P.S. – I finally bit the bullet and contacted Pace Paratransit. Sometime in the next month or so, Henry and I should have significantly more freedom to get around. Cabs are fucking spendy.

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6 thoughts on “Where I Should Be Writing

  1. I’m so sorry for any role I’ve had in your anxiety and I’m really glad that you’re… Taking time for you. It’s okay to be ignorant about things that might make you seriously upset.

    I’m glad you are part of my life, lady.

    • Thanks, Tamara. I think you’re awesome. You in no way contributed to any of my anxiety. Life is what it is. Sometimes, being an ostrich isn’t a bad idea for a few days. Don’t worry, it’s not forever. I just need to put on a suit of armor before I walk into a battle.

  2. I just wrote to you. I did EMDR And it got rid of my PTSD. I have limited contact with my mom and 3 days is enough with her. We’re staying with her in 2 weeks while we attend the Oscars but after that it’s close to no contact with her again. I don’t need her negativity in my life. I need to move on and the only way to do that is no contact or very limited contact. The trauma she caused, what she did to me, I can actually forgive her for being a pathetic disgraceful human being. But I’ll never forgive her for what she did to my dad. Anyways, Rachel, we should chat.

    • I’d love that, L! I’ve still got FB messenger on my phone or you can call me. I haven’t gotten an email.

      EMDR has been so incredibly helpful. I’m thrilled that you were totally cured of your PTSD. Mine, for the most part, is a ton better. It’s just the nature of the beast that sometimes, when you were in an abusive situation for several years, triggers pop up reminding you of trauma that you’d repressed, when you thought you’d already done all the work. Just cleaning up leftover garbage.

      I’m very grateful that my mom wasn’t the source of trauma. There’s no way I would have made it a week if she were. My ex-husband (who *is* the source of this trauma), fortunately, is entirely out of the picture, so at least there’s that. Hope you, hubby, and the little one are all doing well. ❤

      I'm sorry to hear you've had to deal with any of that.

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