So much has happened since the last time that I wrote.
Henry is now 19 months old. Donald Trump has been elected president, but everyone’s looking to the electors to see if they’re actually gonna vote for him next week, especially now that he’s put together a cabinet comprised of members of Who’s Who Among American Assholes (That is to say that they’re almost all family members, horrific Neo-Nazis, and science deniers.) and is already starting shit with China and Israel by chatting it up with the leaders of Taiwan & Palestine. *shrugs* Who the fuck knows what’s gonna happen? Not me.
Here’s what I do know: I have a limited sphere of influence in this world, and it’s kind of a gift.
It’d be way too easy to be sucked into the hysteria of this prolonged election cycle full-time, thinking I could make any difference in its outcome. I’ve had days like that, admittedly. But I felt awful after them. I feared for my life, for Henry’s life. I felt insignificant and vulnerable. (Both of which things are true and not bad, relatively speaking.) I questioned the goodness of humanity — even existence as a whole. I questioned my resolve to have good mental health. I questioned the sanity in staying in this country. And then I questioned the sanity in leaving.
When I think about recent days that end with me not feeling like I need to get blackout wasted, I’ve usually spent the majority of it not focused on making the world a better place, but rather making my home a better place. Not on being a good citizen or advocate, but on being a good wife and mother.
The more time I spend one-on-one with Henry, with my cell phone in another room, the better I feel about life. So, I’m trying to remember to quit looking at my phone… which is surprisingly difficult, but worth it – because Henry’s at a wonderful, but difficult age.
At 19 months, he’s 3 ft tall already. He can grab anything he wants off of the counter. He can play the piano just standing up. He can climb up and down stairs on his own, and he’s getting closer and closer to talking in sentences. (Of course if you count, “OH NO!” as a sentence, then he’s been golden for over a month.)
Right now, he has a lot of words that are regulars: Mama, Dada, dog, duck, baby, ba-ba (for bottle), car, no, book, milk, wa-wa (for water), stairs, shoes, mouse, and yeah. And I know there’s more. But 15 right off the top of my head isn’t bad!
Anyway, I’d write more about how awesome this kid is, and how much I love him, and how being a mother is completely changing the way I think about life and myself and law and even music.. but he just woke up from his nap.
Maybe someday, I’ll get the chance to write again. But you can’t “carve out” time when you’re already maxed out. Right now, I’ll just be happy getting through the holidays.