I am ready for my self-driving car now. You can deliver it anytime you’d like to, Google or Tesla. I’m ready to be an early adopter.

Well, that’s shitty.

Last week, I had an endoscopy and colonoscopy on Thursday. Adam had to take off from work Wednesday and Thursday to help me. Turns out I have both gastritis and colitis, and they’re trying to figure out why. At least there were no polyps, and the biopsies came back clean.

The gastroenterologist called me today and wants me to come in today to give them some cultures, but I can’t just pop in. I can’t drive. So now, I have an appointment, and Adam’s having to take off Wednesday in lieu of the vacation day he was supposed to get on Friday for Good Friday, all so that I can go in and they can check my poop. Ugh.

Life right now, health-wise, is super frustrating. The gastroenterologist prescribed an expensive drug to treat my inflammation and GERD that I started on Friday, and it turns out that the drug lowers seizure threshhold and I can’t tolerate it.

Friday was scary for me.  I keep having days sprinkled here and there where I have tons of seizures – like I did back in 2008 and 2009, before I did EMDR. Days that I don’t end up remembering. Days when I can’t care for myself or Henry, and I need Adam or someone there. I was incredibly lucky that my friend Natasha was able to come by for a couple of hours to watch Henry and make sure I was doing ok.

There’s definitely something bad going on in my body.  I’ve had sudden-urge diarrhea on and off for months now, which has become a constant issue since the colonoscopy. (This is the sort of thing that happens when you delay getting checked out because you incorrectly assume something is caused by MS.) My GERD is out of control. I’m sick of waking up around 2:30 in the morning, choking on bile.  My throat is still sore from it. I keep having pseudoexacerbations of MS too, where suddenly, my feet will go tingly, or my left side and chest will go numb, or my legs will start hurting to the point that it brings tears to my eyes. Only cannabis helps then, and I’m almost out of the little bit that I have. I’ve made this eighth last more than a month.

It’s tough to legally toke.

I know you’re thinking, “But isn’t medical marijuana legal in IL?” and the answer is yes. But I have to get a doctor to prescribe it for me, fill out all the paperwork, and send it in (meaning I have to find a provider who is willing to do it) — and then I have paperwork, fingerprinting, and other shit to do on my end too, and it’s not cheap. It costs almost $200 and takes at least 6 months to receive your card.  For comparison, you can get an eighth illegally for less than $50.

Should I get the ball rolling? Absolutely, but it’s just another big bunch of hurdles to me right now.  It’s not like I can drive to the closest dispensary (which happens to be all the way in Mokena because Tinley Park and Orland Park are apparently unwilling to have a dispensary. Grr.) to get their help. I’m stuck at home, caring for my baby.

Help would be awesome.

Of course, the next thought is, “Why not get a sitter?”  I think that would be a LOVELY idea… assuming we could find anyone who is available at a moment’s notice. Even family isn’t. We tried SitterCity, looking for a caregiver who would be able to watch both of us, but didn’t find anyone good. Now we’re talking about trying Care.com – but I’m not hopeful.  And it feels like robbery that we have to pay $30 a month for the privilege of even looking at or talking to the available caregivers in our area.

If I weren’t in the middle of dealing with a myriad of health problems (Let’s not forget that on top of the MS, seizure disorder, gastritis, colitis, and GERD, I’ve got to get 2 cavities filled over the next 2 weeks and that I’m in therapy for postpartum depression), I’d create a business that is essentially Uber for babysitting. I wish, so badly, that it existed already here.

I know what you’re thinking.  Why not use Uber to get to the doctor’s office, instead of wishing for a self-driving car?  And the answer to that is simple. It’s expensive, and I’d have to put Henry in an infant seat he no longer safely fits in, and then carry that infant seat with him in it, everywhere. My kid is 25 pounds and nearly 3 ft tall. That seat is 17 pounds on its own. It ain’t happenin. I’m just not strong enough to lug around 42 pounds in my arms while dealing with random diarrhea and MS issues.

Attitude is everything.

I honestly don’t know how Adam is handling life with such a great attitude. I’m having a hard time coping with all of this, and he’s the one working for a living, chauffeuring me everywhere, talking with the doctors because my Swiss-cheese brain isn’t helping anything, cooking, and keeping me and Henry safe when my seizures get big. But he keeps smiling, so I keep trying to smile as much as possible. I keep focusing and then re-focusing on gratitude.

Sometimes, life is not meant to be enjoyed. It’s meant to be endured. So, I’m gonna take a few deep breaths and meditate to help get through this. Fortunately Oprah & Deepak have another 21-day meditation challenge that starts today.


5 thoughts on “Uber-annoying.

  1. I understand a lot of your frustrations!!! I have MS with seizures as well (the left side thing sucks!!). Having my driver’s license revoked has been awful and not remembering months of my life has sucked especially since my children are doing so much these days!!! I have 3 ages 6, 4, and 3. I love your writing and I pray for good days ahead for you. Sending much love…

    • Thank you so much, Nichole! I’m sorry to hear that you have MS and seizures too, but I’m so happy to know that there’s another mommy out there who totally gets me. Not driving SUCKS! I feel trapped in the house far too often. I can’t believe you had 3 under the age of 4 at the same time and have lived to tell the tale! How did you do it? I hope you had good help. I might hit you up in email to chat, if that’s cool. Your soaps look neat too! Hope you’re having a good day!


      • Thank you, Rachael. Going through these past five years has taught me a great appreciation for others’ stories. We’re all going through something! I learned who my friends were/are and I learned that I married a good man. He taught me that the past is the past and to live for today. I can’t drive yet (and Yes! It really does suck!) but I still may be able to in the future. I can walk and I love my children! You can contact me anytime. I am erratic, either at my phone or completely absent. But I will be here if you need an ear!

      • Living in the moment is SUCH an important skill! It took me a few years to really get it, and honestly, I still have to work on it and self-compassion every day. I really hope that I’m able to teach these skills to Henry and any other kids we might have. We’re thinking of having another baby, but I am afraid about whether or not I’ll be able to handle all the work, even though Adam does so much. He’s my rock. I’m so glad that you married a good man too. Husbands who understand what we’re going through are such a gift. Too many Moms with MS try to downplay their condition and end up unhappy with their partners. I feel very blessed to have a partner who understands my condition better than I do.

        I’m really hopeful that by the time Henry is in middle school (the land of after-school activities), we’ll either have a cure and I’ll be able to drive, or self-driving cars will be affordable. I’d hate for him to miss out on anything because of transportation difficulties.

      • I love the promise/premise of self driving cars! I love your hope for your future/your family – that is beautiful! Some days are overwhelming. But there are moments of such wonder and beauty with children (I do lose my cool way more than I wish though). I love the way you look at life. Passing your spirit to your children would be a wonderful gift.

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