This post is gonna be quick, because I have no idea how much longer Henry’s nap will last. I’ve already eaten my lunch, so this is bonus time. Of course, as I typed that first sentence, he woke up. He’s doing the little blinky thing that says, “Maybe, just maybe, I’ll fall back asleep if you give me my binky.”

My kid is so good. He’s so sweet, and he only cries when there’s legitimately something to cry about (hunger, needing a change, having gas, or just feeling bad from vaccinations). But being a mom with MS is hard — and I know it’s only going to get harder.

I miss 5 Hr. Energy because I’m still pumping breastmilk. My legs desperately miss nortriptyline and weed; I’m having a shitton of muscle spasms recently. I miss the freedom to nap all day if need be. But I love my son, and his health and wellness is worth forgoing medicine.

The real mindfuck for me when it comes to medicine is that we’re already discussing a second child… have been since before Henry was born. The idea that I’ll have the energy/stamina necessary for caring for 2 infants is laughable to me, but what’s the alternative? Getting back on MS meds and then off them again? The side effects are often worse than the disease without them for me, so I don’t know that they’d make anything better.

Pregnancy was pretty great as far as dealing with my symptoms goes. Adam is a fan of the idea of waiting until Henry’s 6 months old and then trying for another. That’s 3 months from now. My OB’s assistant said it’s perfectly fine to get pregnant after 6 months because of how well I have healed, but that the doc would prefer that I wait 12, and that he’s a fan of VBAC if possible. While I wouldn’t want to deal with another c-section recovery (I’m only now feeling normal, 3 months later.), and I think it would be interesting to experience birth as biology intended, the possibility of uterine rupture with VBAC scares the crap out of me. I’m so risk-averse when it comes to childbirth that I can’t even quantify it.

I’m somehow less risk-averse when it comes to dealing with MS, though. My neurologist wants me back on DMDs as soon as I am comfortable with doing so. He has said that he’s not directly telling me to stop breastfeeding and to get back on DMDs right away, but that’s only because breastfeeding is such a personal choice. He wants me back on meds, like, yesterday.

If we do decide to go for a second child within the next year, I’ll be off DMDs for at least another 2 years – and that sounds good to me. I hate how my seizure activity increased due to pseudoexacerbations on Gilenya, and I don’t miss nightly shots and tender spots with Copaxone one iota. I honestly am unsure if there’s a DMD on the market that is actually helpful for me right now…. but I am also not sure how well I’ll be able to “mommy” two kids who would both be under the age of 3. (Read: not potty trained, and not good at talking)

The truth is, I have no idea what the right move is. I guess that’s the nature of life though, right? You roll the dice, you takes your chances. I do know Henry deserves a sibling, though. I can’t imagine my life without my brother, Daniel, and Adam loves his 3 brothers. So, we’re definitely gonna have another kid, it’s just a question of when. I’m 34 right now. If I wait much longer than the suggested year, fertility could potentially become an issue, and we really don’t want to deal with that.

Hey, maybe we’ll luck out. Maybe, my MS will be stable without treatment, we’ll wait til next year to start having a second child, I’ll have the little one when I’m 36, and by the time I’m done breastfeeding, there will be a new, more effective, less awful MS treatment out on the market. That’d be awesome.

And speaking of awesome: can I get some cheers for the power of the paci? Kid fell right back asleep. That little piece of plastic is got-dang magic. Now, of course, the dog is scratching at the door that he needs to go out. A mommy’s work is never done.