Thinking too much.

…about health.

I was sick for almost 3 full weeks with something flu-like, and every idea I had for a blog article involved an inordinate amount of whiny complaining. I don’t like to give negative thoughts more power than they deserve, and when I write, I feel like I’m giving power to the ideas that are embodied in my words.

Instead, I’ve been meditating and focusing on the positive. I’ve been doing my best to keep posting 3 Great Things About Yesterday every day on Facebook. Remembering 3 good things about yesterday is one way you can rewire your brain for happiness. It helps you focus on the good instead of the bad.

Be that as it may, none of us can escape the fact that bad things, do, in fact, happen… and sometimes more often than we like. Like seizures.

I almost feel like complaining about the fact that I have seizures when I’m sick is a form of being ungrateful at this point. 2 years ago, I was having 20+ seizures a day. Nowadays, when I’m sick, I still have them… but at my worst, I think I may have had 10 on one day. On days when I’m not fighting off an infection, I get to pretend I don’t have a disorder. I like snapping back into denial. It makes me feel safer than I really am.

…about what other people think.

I’ve been spending/wasting a lot of time on Facebook, and it really has gotten me thinking about how many things people get themselves worked up over. I have many thoughtful friends who are passionate about their perception of what justice is. They fight online, trying to convince others about their rightness in regards to whatever horrible thing Gawker has thrown at them that day.

I’ve gotten really tired of it. I used to fight the good fight right alongside them, and try to change people’s minds about political bullshit, but at the end of the day, I was angry and they still thought whatever position they were defending was correct. I came to the realization that we’re all thinking too much about what someone else is thinking.

Arguing about racism and privilege in the context of celebrities is a sad waste of time and emotion.

I saw people absolutely lose their fool minds over the fact that Miley Cyrus play-spanked one of her dancers, who happened to be black. during the performance. Folks were actually trying to convince me that it meant that Miley is pushing forward a racist agenda, fueled by white privilege. My thoughts were that she was selling sex during a song about sex, and if all they saw was a white person striking a black person, they were the ones who were racist… because why shouldn’t a black girl and a white girl get freaky with each other?

I actually lost multiple friends over this idiocy. My thought is that if they want to end a relationship with me because I refused to adopt their opinion, they’re not the kind of folks I want in my life anyway.

This week, it’s all a big hullabaloo over the comments of the oldest guy on Duck Dynasty about sexual preference. It reminds me of the Paula Deen debacle. I’m just sitting here, thinking “Holy crap, an old person from the deep South has aired an unpopular opinion? NO WAY. That’s a first.”

Why do people even care what these people say? Everyone’s allowed to have opinions. We don’t have to like them. What good is it to try to force our own opinions on others? It shouldn’t be world wide news (or even a surprise) that an old, straight, Christian redneck man doesn’t understand what it feels like to be gay.

I just see folks, over and over again, getting themselves truly worked up over things that don’t actually affect them personally. Recently, it’s even been over the tweets of some no-name PR person. It makes me sad for them that someone else’s crap has become theirs. And it makes me want to find a better way to spend my time.

…about practicing my instruments.

I recently was gifted Rocksmith 2014 for my birthday. I now have a game that will help me learn to play guitar better… but I keep putting off playing it because I’m too busy thinking about how hard it will be. UGH, I have to move the couch and sit on a chair. I have to actually think. This might not be easy. WAAAH.

I’m not any better about the piano, either. OH NOES, I have to move the couch in the other direction. And I’ll probably sound bad for a while. *hand-to-forehead* I CAN’T HANDLE IT! Too much pressure. Brain aneurysm.

…about EVERYTHING.

I’ve been really worried about my hypertension recently. (If that’s not self-perpetuating, I don’t know what is.) My cardiologist asked me to stop doing the paleo diet and to switch to the DASH diet. It’s supposedly simple, but I keep freaking out about it. I worry that I’m eating more calories than I’m supposed to. I worry about eating the way that the plan wants you to. I food journal and then think, “Did I eat the right amount of everything?” The answer is always “No.” At least I’m more cognizant of my sodium intake now. *shrugs* Baby steps, I guess.

I’m also overthinking my novel and my blog. I constantly question whether what I’ve got to say has any merit or is worthy of publication. Hence the full month with nothing written here…

Thinking too much gets in the way of actually living. At some point, you’ve gotta just do something. Dreading doing the dishes? End your misery by doing them. It’s the only way.

I wish it were as easy to take my own advice when they’re not words in front of my face.

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4 thoughts on “Thinking too much.

  1. My opinion is that you should embrace things head on…. Stop thinking about it and just do it. You know going into “learning” Rock Smith that you will be inadequate to start, it is part of the adventure of starting something new that you will eventually be able to master. Turn your negative thoughts on this into a game and take achievable small steps to get you where you need to go. After a while you will take to it like a duck does water 🙂

    • Oh, Mom. I know you’re right. That’s why I said that I was thinking too much. Adam and I actually played RockSmith for a couple of hours yesterday – didn’t move the couch or anything — just played while sitting on the couch. It’s not the best posture for playing, but it’s not the worst either. I really enjoy the “Guitarcade” games that help you get more familiar with the instrument. Tons of fun. Thanks again for the gift. 🙂 It’s making both me and my husband better players.

  2. Get out of my brain, lady, it’s starting to get weird! 😉
    By that I mean, Hi! I’m Kirby… and I don’t actually know where I’m going with this, but I just know I need to make some sort of comment because since I discovered your blog a few months ago I have DEVOURED it. Seriously, the last few weeks since you wrote your “I’m staying” post then seemingly disappeared, I’ve been checking back to see if you were still around, hoping you were all right, but knowing MS can make things… uh… interesting?…, I settled for reading just about everything you’ve written here and hoped you’d be back soon (stalker much? :/).
    Anyhoo… I just wanted you to know you’re doing amazing things here – really, it’s nice to hear someone talking so openly about this shit – all the shit that goes through my RRMS brain too, all the day-to-day effort living with this takes, but an overlying attitude of being grateful for the little things that make it all worth it – exactly what I needed to find this year (the year I finally had to leave my job and go on a disability pension – yay, I hope there’s a NYE card for that! :S)
    Keep doing what you’re doing!!!
    ❤ Kirby

    • Wow! What a great message to start my day with. 🙂 Thank you so much, Kirby! I’m about to write a new update. The last several weeks have been tough. I got a cold that was very flu-like and it stuck around for 3 weeks. I was miserable and had a hard time thinking. I promise I’ll be more active here. 🙂

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