Prior to last night, it had been a long time since the last time I had time travel seizures. Yesterday, however was full up on wonkiness.
On the one hand, I’m very lucky that since I quit taking Cymbalta and Abilify in December of 2012, I’ve had several good weeks without any seizures at all, and that on the other weeks, the few seizures I did have were primarily simple partial seizures that made muscles in my face and neck behave incorrectly, as opposed to complex seizures that leave me feeling like I’ve been picked up and transported to another location while drugged.
On the other hand, there are some really good things about experiencing “time travel.” It gives me perspective on my life that I wouldn’t otherwise have.
For example: Yesterday, I remember the post-ictal confusion from one of the seizures fairly clearly… I thought I was 9 years old, that I had both Wordly Wise and long division homework to do (which was important!), and I had a very hard time accepting that my body was this big, that I was married (and my parents knew about it!), and that technology had come as far as it has. I was sure that Adam was super-rich because he had the biggest computer screen I’d ever seen. This was, of course, our television set which is hooked up to a desktop computer.
I actually asked Adam if his computer had Alf’s Geography Jam, because that and Carmen Sandiego were the best games we had on our computer at “my house” (otherwise known as my parents house, circa 1989), and I was pretty good at them. Needless to say, he laughed pretty hard at that one.
Anyway, getting back to that whole “perspective” thing: there were important lessons contained in last night’s episode for me.
1.) I was sure we were very wealthy, just based on looking around the living room. Do you know what that means? It means we are rich. We may be saving for a house, constantly checking and working on our budget, and living in an apartment in an area of town that is not the best… but my 9-year-old self’s idea of what it was to be rich has been achieved. I mean, we have more than 1 computer, a TV that fills most of a wall and also plays computer games, comfortable couches, and a dog who actually comes to me to snuggle when I call him. 9-year-old me thinks she hit the jackpot of possible futures…and that makes me happy.
2.) My husband is just unbelievably amazing and handsome and loving and perfect. During the whole situation, he didn’t once treat me like I was losing my mind. He spoke with me respectfully and patiently. He gave me hugs when I couldn’t stop crying because I was scared. (I didn’t know where I was or how to get home! Or why my back was tingling and burning. Or why my head and stomach hurt so much.) and apparently, I went through time travel multiple times yesterday. (I only remember the last one.) I can’t begin to understand where his patience and compassion come from, but I am immensely grateful for both.
3.) “Little me” was very disappointed in the distinct lack of chocolate chip cookies in my home. I remember saying, “But I promised myself that when I was old enough and had my own place, I’d bake chocolate chip cookies all the time so I could have them whenever I wanted them.” This morning, even though I know that it’s not good for my diet, I still feel compelled to bake them. (Don’t worry, I’m not going to walk to the grocery store today.)
4.) Seeing myself in the mirror, even after I’d been brought back to present time, felt like looking at a stranger. Inside I was like, “OH NO! I got old!” but I also thought that I had gotten a lot prettier. So, there’s a plus. I didn’t judge myself negatively for my weight. It’s a practice that I’d like to continue.
5.) Cell phones are MAGIC. I think we’re all so used to them by now that they seem mundane, but from a 1989-1990 perspective, they are the coolest things ever. Adam tried to show me my phone when it was ringing, and I was like, “That’s not a phone.” Really, we have handheld computers that happen to be able to make phone calls from anywhere. (And of course, since I have my own and Adam has his own, we’re clearly bazillionaires.)
I titled today’s post “Time Travel – Without The Doctor” because yesterday, Adam didn’t use the Doctor Who theme song to help bring me back out of my confusion. When I first began experiencing this kind of post-ictal confusion, it was the Doctor Who theme song that got me back to present-day Rae. Instead, he used Spotify to play pop music that had just recently been released, to try to bring my memory back to present times.
I marveled at Spotify. I absolutely gawked. The ability to play whatever song you want, whenever you want to, on your TV? It blew my mind.
What really hit home for me from yesterday’s experience is that we are living in amazing times, where technology exceeds anything we could have imagined 25 years ago. It makes me very hopeful for the future. It makes me very grateful for the present.
Surprisingly enough, this relapse isn’t being treated with solu-medrol… just a medrol dose pack. It’s been nearly 3 years since my last time with IV drips. I’m fairly certain that’s a good thing. I just am really hoping that the oral steroids kick this relapse’s ass.
This morning, my back is tingling/burning like crazy, thinking is like wading through a river of pudding, my left foot is numb in places, the top left part of my chest is so numb that when I touch there, I can only acknowledge pressure, and I’m still just happy that I’m living in today’s day and age and that I was able to get out of bed. (Even if I’m seriously considering a nap in a few minutes.)
For anyone that’s concerned, I’m still on Gilenya. I’ve almost finished my first month on it. I don’t know if it’s doing any good at all yet, but the few side effects that I’ve experienced are still better than the intense pain I experienced on Tecfidera. I’m also extremely grateful for the efficacy of a small amount of marijuana. It makes my back hurt a lot less and decreases my anxiety over numbness in other places in my body. I’m really looking forward to January, when it becomes legal for medicinal use here in Chicago and I can get a mini-vape like a Cannacig.
7 thoughts on “Time Travel – Without The Doctor.”
I loved reading your blog. Your perspective and gratitude are so uplifting. I am so proud that you are my daughter. I love you, dearly, and hope you feel better really soon. XO
I love you too, very much, Mom. I’m gonna call you in a minute.
Thank you for making my day and making me smile with gratitude both for myself, and because I know the awesome that is you.
So happy that it made you smile! When I’m going through times like this, I feel like I try to mine through the yuck to find the good stuff. Anything that can make life better for me or anyone else is worth it!
Reblogged this on Rags to Dishes and commented:
This is a great way to look at a nasty event, and even better for looking at yourself (by 8 year old you).
Hey I have a quick question about your blog, could you email me when you have a chance? Thanks! -Cam
Sure thing, Cam. Sorry I didn’t see this earlier. For some reason it ended up in the spam folder.