If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I stopped caring about this blog at all. The truth of the matter is that I’ve just fallen out of the habit of journaling… and that’s not a good thing. So, today, I’ve decided to write, even if it’s a little disjointed.

What’s Going On With Me

Today marks the 20th day that I’ve been off any kind of disease-modifying drug for MS.  I have to say, I physically felt better when I was on Copaxone than I do now. Over the last 3 weeks, the numbness/tingling in my back has become more prominent; I’ve had a lot more fatigue; and cognitive fog has been almost constant.

Why am I not on Tecfidera yet?  Because you can’t do anything with MS medication without jumping through hoops of fire.

Last week, I found out that Humana/Medicare had denied my request to have Tecfidera as my DMD (disease modifying drug) because I had not already used every other available DMD on the market.

Why have I not been willing to take Avonex, Betaseron, Rebif, or Extavia? Because they’re all injectable interferon medications – and all of them cause depression. As someone who’s been treated for major depression for going on a decade now, my neurologist and I agreed that they would be bad for me.

I did some homework on the whole process of getting medication approved after a denial, and called Humana Greivances & Appeals. I asked for an expedited appeals process (which means they have 72 hours to make a decision because the medication is necessary for a life-threatening illness), and contacted my neurologist to get them supporting information as quickly as possible.  On Saturday, I found out that I have been approved!

So, now I’m just waiting for the mail-order specialty pharmacy to call me to schedule delivery. It occurs to me, as I write this, that I can and should expedite that process by being proactive and calling them instead.

Puff, Puff, Pass?

Speaking of medicine and expediting things… Medical marijuana has been passed in the IL house and senate. We’re just waiting for Governor Quinn to do the right thing and sign it into law. I’m trying not to think things like, “It’s been 20 days since you got it, Gov! Get on with it!” and instead am being patient.

I haven’t been using cannabis much at all over the last several months. There was a time when I lived in CA, was doing a lot of psychological work on my PTSD, and didn’t understand dosing (and thought I could make all my emotional and MS pain disappear with weed), when I smoked nearly all day, every day. I was, very simply, losing my mind then. I am very glad those days are behind me.  Now, I only use it when I have a bad PTSD flashback  (which, thankfully is very rare nowadays) or my other medications just can’t get the pain-management job done, and I’m pretty much desperate for relief.  I think the last time I had a friend source some for me was in December, and I only bought an eighth then. I’ve still got about half of it. This is a huge difference from the end of 2008-early 2009 when I was living in Glendale, CA, and went through about 3 eighths a month.

I still miss CA’s set-up though, and it’s what I’m really hoping for here in IL. I want my “license to use” and to be able to walk into a secure dispensary, see what’s available, and choose the medication that is right for my needs. I miss the opportunity to decide what kind of weed I’m getting!  There are more than a hundred strains of marijuana, and each one affects you differently.

When you’re in prohibition-land, you can’t be choosy. You take what you can find, and what you find is not always helpful. Sometimes, it’s even harmful. You could end up with a strong sativa that wakes up your body and leaves you mentally foggy when you actually need an indica that helps calm anxiety and ease pain that lets you continue functioning normally within your day. Getting the wrong kind of weed has happened to me more times than I’d like to admit since moving here.  This post by Berkeley Patients Care Collective goes into much more detail about this, and gives recommendations of types of strains for the medical needs you might have.

I’m also hopeful that the bill passes so that I can buy concentrates and use something like the CANNAcig. It would be very beneficial to be able to use what is essentially an e-cigarrete that’s been modified to work with cannabis. It is less smelly and has all the benefits of vaporizing versus smoking.

I also miss edibles, which are even better for helping with body issues and aren’t bad for your lungs at all. I remember when we were in CA, Adam and I talked about the possibility of me creating edibles for the dispensary that I used to go to. I really like cooking/baking.  Now that I’m not having seizures all day, I might be able to actually do something like that.

So What Am I Doing?

Right now, I’m still “just” a housewife. I do laundry and dishes. I go to the grocery store and I cook. Life’s simple, and that’s not bad. I really appreciate that I can take naps when I need to and that I’m able to give Adam freedom from some chores that he doesn’t particularly enjoy which I don’t find offensive.

I also have been working pretty hardcore on physical fitness, tracking my calories and nutrients on MyFitnessPal and working out 4-5 days a week at the YMCA up the street, doing weightlifting and cardio with ActivTrax. I wish this Y had late afternoon/early evening yoga classes like the YMCA in Collierville, TN did — but if I want to do yoga here, I’ve gotta get there at 8:45 a.m. Frankly, I couldn’t get myself to 9 a.m. classes in college and I barely made my 10 a.m. classes in law school. My sleep schedule has basically nixed group yoga for me for the time being.

Since the seizures have more-or-less disappeared (aside from when I have pseudoexacerbations, relapses, or am trying technology that doesn’t jive with seizures), I’ve done a lot of thinking about whether or not I want to take the IL bar exam and become an attorney, and when it comes right down to it, I do!  But the test costs $850 and the prep course costs $2050. This means that before I can even attempt the test, I have to find a way to earn $2900.

I’ve been applying for jobs for months now with no response. The economy is fucked, and no one wants to hire someone whose last real job was 8 years ago. I can’t say that I blame them. Who wants to hire an administrative assistant with a law degree when you can get one without a J.D. for cheaper and she won’t want to move forward with her life in a year?

This has lead to me realizing that I should just market my services as a web & graphic designer again.  I used to make about $450 -$500 per project when I was freelancing. 6 or 7 websites could mean that I get to take the exam. I’m even thinking about hitting up a good friend who has a successful web design firm to see if he would want to outsource any of his front-end design work to me.

I was concerned with the idea of freelancing somehow messing up my SSDI (I need to keep Medicare), but you’re allowed to earn up to $14,000 a year without it affecting your status. You just have to declare it.

This means that I need to create a site for myself as a designer, first and foremost. Next, I need to build my portfolio and see just what work I have on the web that’s still up there.  I am, of course, procrastinating on this, because, well, it’s what you do when you’re unsure of your plans.

What I am sure of, however, is that my life has at least a bit of forward trajectory at the moment, which is nice. There was a while where I was concerned that I’d become that girl who sits around at home and “does nothing” all day long because the work she actually accomplishes is mostly invisible. (There will always be dishes. There will always be laundry. The house will always need straightening.)  I’m not so concerned about that now.

I am, however, concerned that if I don’t stop writing and get off the computer, none of my invisible work will be done today — so I’ll wrap it up here and say thanks for reading. ❤