Life is pretty good right now.
I’m down to 50 mg of Topamax a day, and for whatever reason, I’m still seizure-free. This makes me very happy. It makes me wonder what was causing the inflammation that created all of my seizures before, and what the difference is between now and then, but I’m mostly okay with not knowing, aside from being worried that they’re going to come back when I least expect them. I guess that’s the nature of MS. I mean, they’ve shown me on MRIs where the lesions are that cause the seizure activity, so I’m not so brazen as to think I’m done with the shaking forever — but I’ll take the respite for as long as it lasts.
Now that it’s been a couple of months that I’ve been stable, I’ve started looking for employment. It’s not that I don’t love the freedom that comes with being a housewife, it’s just that I need interaction with people and to be challenged on an intellectual level. It also wouldn’t hurt my self-esteem to know that I could actually provide a living for myself again, despite the fact that I’m well taken care of by my wonderful husband. I feel like I need to take advantage of the time I have while I’m well enough to work.
Getting back into the job market after 8 years out of it is daunting. It’s hard to believe that the last time I worked a serious full-time job before I went to law school was in 2005, and now it’s 2013. Everything I’m applying to is entry level, and that sort of ignores my experience entirely… but it’s the only way I think I’m going to get my foot back in the door.
Then there’s a part of me that thinks that trying to get a job is just folly, and that my health is as good as it is because I live in a low stress environment. This same part of me thinks that I should look for volunteering opportunities, and just take on things that make me happy because I am one of the few people out there who have the benefit of living this way. And aside from that – we still want to have kids sometime in the next few years – so it doesn’t make a ton of sense to get back into the working world only to leave it again to care for a family.
I am getting better at actually keeping the house clean, getting the laundry done, and I’m even getting back into cooking, which is making me feel more capable overall. Doing all of that and not feeling suicidal has been a pretty big deal for me.
As a child, the role of the housewife was always one that feminist dogma had taught me was loathsome. I looked down on the position and saw it as being someone’s maid and slave. I thought of women who chose that position as being lazy, stupid, and having no ambition. The reality is very different.
Sure, there are days when I think to myself, “Why did I go to college? Why did I go to law school? Wasn’t that all a waste of energy and money and effort?” but I wouldn’t be living this life if I hadn’t done those things. I wouldn’t have met Adam. I wouldn’t be me. I have to believe that everything I’ve done was towards making a better Rae, and that my family will benefit from the knowledge that I gained. I didn’t know I’d end up being a housewife, and I probably won’t be one for the rest of my life. Heck, I might not be one for the rest of this year if any of the companies I’ve applied with like my resume.
So for now, I’ll just keep on truckin along… and I’ll let you know if anything cool happens.