One good thing about keeping up a blog is that, unless you’re just not looking, you start to see patterns in your life.
When I initially began writing today, I realized that I was, in truth, creating a bad day for myself. I was repeating sad-sack behavior, sitting in the dark, having not eaten breakfast, with no music on, preparing to write about what was on my mind — and those thoughts were all ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts).
It was when I saw myself typing the situation out that I realized: I have the power to change my situation, immediately. I got up, turned on the lights, turned on Spotify (and chose a playlist of happy music), and poured myself a bowl of cereal.
Now, I’m feeling more in control of my day, more in control of myself, and more in control of my thoughts – and all of that is good.
There Are Problems In The World That I Just Can’t Change, No Matter How Badly I Want To.
Yesterday, I made a rookie error in thinking. I watched a viral video about Wealth Inequality in America and asked some of the smartest people I know how I could help fix things… because, you know, little ole me wants to do whatever she can to make things better, no matter how small that part may be.
That’s right. You read that correctly: I wanted to see what I could do to help fix the self-defeating problem inherent in capitalism. 1 Rae vs. a ginormous economic system.
I was stuck in this sort of rule-utilitarian mindset that said, “If you can figure out what the average person can do to help regulate things, without involving Congress, and you start doing it, you can help others to start doing it, and then things will be better!” But that’s not how real life works.
In case anyone’s curious what the very smart folks answers were as to what the average person can do, they were:
1.) Increase political discussion about Land Value Taxation
2.) Create “stuff” to increase overall wealth (This includes rock music.) and then my favorite
3.) Make first contact with aliens and have them abduct all the rich people and their heirs.
Also, important to the discussion was the concept of caring for yourself first, then caring for society, as one follows the other.
I think the hardest thing to deal with was recognizing that I have to accept that I cannot fix everything for everybody. I also cannot cure AIDS, cancer, or MS. I have moments where I really dislike the fact that I am not Godlike in those ways. I just want to be magic so nobody has to hurt anymore, and I fault myself for not being that way. And I know that’s nothing but destructive.
But I Can Make My Life Better, And I Am Working On It.
So I have a few goals: Being fit, having a job, having a band, and liking myself – which includes accepting that I am not ever going to be able to fix everything.
One thing that has been difficult for me over the last week is that I have taken the leap and started applying for jobs. There’s a certain kind of melancholy that comes with applying to positions and hearing absolutely nothing back – not even a confirmation of receipt. You start doubting if you really have been sending out your applications and cover letters, or if you’ve just been imagining the hours of job searching.
It’s a weird position to be in, having a juris doctor degree and no law license. I’m overqualified for most administrative jobs and underqualified for most legal jobs. (A J.D. does not substitute for a paralegal certificate either, I’m finding.) Add to it 5 years of being disabled with seizures, and it makes sense that I’m not hearing back from anyone. At this point, I’m beginning to think that my best bet is to sign up with a temp agency and see if I can get any work based solely on my skills.
As for having a band: tomorrow, I have a final audition with a local band, which makes practicing the order of the day today.
Well, practicing, doing dishes, doing laundry, and cleaning. But what is life without a little housework? Gotta stay humble, right?