For a very short period in my life, I allowed myself to try something wild, unusual, and very far outside of my comfort zone. I was in my first year of law school, had recently divorced, and was living alone in Los Angeles. I was meek, lonely for friends, searching for myself, and decided that regardless of how crazy it was, I was willing to put in the time, effort, and emotion to train to be a Dominatrix. It turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life, and, surprisingly, one of the best things I ever could have done for my mental health.
I Can’t Believe You Are Sharing This – Have You No Shame?
You know, this is something I thought a lot about. And at the end of the day, I don’t think I have anything to be ashamed of here. I trained so that I could put on shows at clubs. It’s performance art. I wasn’t a prostitute or anything. I never did any sort of house-calls or had a stable of submissives who did whatever I wanted them to because I gave them the kind of pain they wanted to feel. I didn’t touch anyone sexually or inappropriately, nor was I ever naked or partially naked in any situation that the training or performing involved.
In all honesty, I put on one show, on one night, and decided, “It’s not for me.” and quit. But I didn’t quit before I learned some important things about myself and about how to tackle life.
Crafting Who You Want To Be
I didn’t realize it at the time, but my Master was teaching me how to like myself — how to actually be the person I most wanted to be in life — by allowing me to create an alter-ego. I first had to come up with a stage name, which felt ridiculous: but what appeal is there to “Rachael”? Does it really inspire any “oohs” or “ahhs”? This alter-ego allowed me to play make-believe and act differently than I usually did – because it wasn’t me… it was her doing those things. It allowed me to demand respect. It allowed – no, required -me to stand taller. It allowed me to spend money on myself, when I never normally would. It allowed me to spend time reading books on psychology and sexuality and not just spend all of my time on law.
It made me a better version of myself on almost every level, because “Mistress Renee” was not afraid of anything or anyone, where “Rachael” was afraid of her own shadow. I learned the importance of having the courage of my convictions, the importance of follow-through on threats, the delicacy of negotiation, and the necessity of attention to an infinite number of details for safety’s sake. I learned how to not appear intimidated even when I was almost ready to throw up right where I stood. I learned how to crack an 8 foot signal whip, and the importance of not doing it inside. 🙂 And I learned that I look good in corsets, and I love them.
Hanging Up My Boots & Crop
Fun times with the “Mistress” moniker didn’t last long at all. One of the first things I learned about myself was that, regardless of the desires of the submissive I was working with, I don’t like physically hurting anyone. It’s just not part of who I am. It also didn’t help that I had just met a man named Adam who made me smile all the time… and he didn’t particularly enjoy the idea of his new girlfriend publicly performing like that. Those two things made the decision to quit very clear.
Power & Control
Being a Top is all about power and control. And you have to have it over yourself before you can have it over anyone else. You have a responsibility to whoever you’re working with to know exactly how the show is going to go. You have a responsibility to yourself to know that you’re clear-headed, and that you’re acting in line with the agreement you’ve made. You are always on the hook. It is up to you to make sure things go right – not just for yourself, but for your partner, and for the crowd that is watching.
Power & Control are also two things that I feel that I have lost in my life over the years to MS and seizure disorder… and that I am taking back, along with my self-esteem. I have, for some time now, felt like I am at the effect of my body and my circumstances, and been woefully depressed, convinced of my own impotence to make life better.
The Triumphant Return of My Second Self
Last night, when I told my therapist about having gone through training, she lit up. She said, “You already have all the skills you need to be okay, then. You just need to dust them off.” And it was in that moment that I could feel my psyche lacing up a pair of high-heeled patent leather boots, and saying to me, “You know how I am to be treated.” and I knew that I would be better than just ok.
It was in that moment that I realized that I have to start thinking of myself as the person that I want to be, and not as the person I judge myself to be.
There are going to be some serious changes in how I take care of myself. I’ve forgotten that inside of me, there’s a person who doesn’t take any shit, who deserves to be treated like a goddess, and who actually thinks rather highly of herself. I think I deserve to fully integrate her… and maybe, if he’s agreeable, to go out clubbing with my husband.