I am super sad and lonely today.
Locked Up Without Chains
This housewife thing is old and lame. It feels like solitary confinement: a sort of indefinite punishment for not having a job. It’s like my mind has bought into this lie that, “If you hadn’t gotten that seizure disorder, you’d be doing something worthwhile and emotionally fulfilling right now.” Instead, I am sitting on the couch, in the same spot as always, feeling very badly about myself.
It seems pointless to be home when you don’t have kids to care for. Any work I do, cleaning the house, doing the dishes, doing laundry, making the bed — it’s all invisible. It all disappears so quickly. Sitting here in the silence, all I can hear are my negative thoughts, beating up on me. I know I should put on music, but I’m too sad right now. The fact that I have the lights on in the house is win for me right now.
But I know that I am making progress, however small it may be. How do I know I am making progress? I have been doing work for a friend, and I have songs to practice for a final audition with a band. That’s 2 out of the 4 things in my “goals” areas. Working towards having a job and working towards having a band. Hell, you could say it’s 3, because my 3rd goal is to like myself, and I like that I’m working towards my goals.
Furthermore, I’m working towards having positive mental health because I’m recording the negative thoughts in a daily thought log, followed up by the column where I acknowledge the dysfunction in thinking (categorizing it by the type of ANT that it is) and then in a final column, writing out a more rational thought. It’s not easy staring down at a page full of truly horrible thoughts about yourself and having to admit, “Yep. This is how I feel about myself. This is the way I talk in my head.” But at least I have documented proof of what an abusive bully I really am, and can continue the process of retraining myself to be more friendly.
Practicing Good Self-Care?
I think the hardest thing for me to do right now is practice good self-care. When you’re in the thick of change, something happens – sort of a pushback from your psyche, like saying “No. I’m not going to let you get better.” and all the basics fall to shit.
For a while there, I was doing really well. I was showering daily, brushing my teeth twice a day, flossing, styling my hair, putting on clothes as if I were leaving the apartment (ha! That’s a good one! Like I have anywhere to go.), taking my pills on time, and making sure to eat all meals. But that’s not happening right now. Even as I write this, I am thinking to myself, “Hey, it’s almost 1:30. You should eat something today. Seriously.” Yesterday’s shower was a serious victory after 4 days of overthinking my way out of taking one.
Adam wants to go to the gym tonight when he gets home from work. I know if I don’t make myself eat something within the next hour, I’m not going to be able to do that. So, I’m going to make myself eat… and I’m going to get into gym clothes so I don’t have any excuses. Part of the reason I’ve been feeling so bad recently, I think, is because we stopped working out due to illness.
I’m Not Quitting
At least, if I can say anything about myself that I’m proud of, it’s that I am not a quitter. I’ve been down like this before, and I’ll probably be down like this again. But I’m not staying here. I’m not going to wallow. I’m going to finish this blog entry, eat some damn lunch, get dressed in something other than pajamas, and start cleaning the house… not because I like it, but because I have discipline (which in most cases is more important than motivation) and I have the desire to feel some amount of pride in myself. That’s worth a lot.
I’m finding, more and more, that the path to happiness lies in self-discipline. I just have to find a way to get there without being so mean to myself. Maybe I’ll get there one day.