The Devil’s At My Throat

He’s Trying to Choke the Sound Out Of Me

Tomorrow night is my audition, so today is all about learning the band’s songs, as well as 3 of the 5 songs that I chose (the band said, “No,” to Hole and Florence) and trying to memorize lyrics and melody but not overtax my vocal chords.

There are not words to describe the kind of obnoxious, feels-like-teenage angst that I feel today.  To say that the task of learning these songs feels impossible would be to drastically oversimplify.  It’s as though, because the reality of something genuinely good happening in my life, because my own willingness to try is present, the demon in my head is pitching a conniption fit.

Can depression have a temper tantrum?  It’s certainly exerting its presence today, making it harder to do everything.

The thoughts, “You should call off the audition.” and “Kill yourself. Seriously, why are you even alive?” have run through my head more times than I care to admit today.

I go back to the list of questions for derailing automatic negative thoughts – and remind myself that if a friend was in a similar situation, I would be supportive of them.  I look to my friends on Facebook who have been incredibly supportive of me today and remind myself that I just need to keep practicing, and to continue to treat myself compassionately.

Am I Trying To Tell Myself Something?

As I go through the lyrics to the songs that I’m performing tomorrow, they are depressing as hell. Have you ever read the lyrics to Fiona Apple‘s “Fast As You Can?” They are seriously like peeking into my head right now.

I let the beast in too soon,
I don’t know how to live
Without my hand on his throat;
I fight him always and still
Oh darling, it’s so sweet,
you think you know how crazy
How crazy I am
You say you don’t spook easy, you won’t go, but I know
And I pray that you will
Fast as you can, baby
run, free yourself of me
Fast as you can

Luckily, I don’t identify with Garbage‘s”Only Happy When It Rains” or the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ “Maps” or my head might explode from irony.

I Don’t Understand This Depression

I think the hardest time I’m having is that I don’t understand why I am so sad. I can’t control it. I don’t understand why some part of me thinks I should die. Why it thinks I’m done with life when I haven’t even had kids yet, and I’m only in my early 30s. Why it thinks I’m worthless when I can easily provide evidence to the contrary. I don’t understand how it manages to stop me from caring for myself in very basic ways, despite the fact that it’s not hard to shower or brush your teeth or make food for yourself. I don’t understand how I can cognitively hold the thoughts “I know I have worth and that I should live” and feel the opposite.  I’m so exhausted from struggling with myself to just do the basics of life.  I don’t know why I think it would be easier to deal with if I understood it.  I just want to be done with it.

Maybe I should quit dwelling on it and do some mindless chores.

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