The pertinent lyrics of the song go, “Don’t you worry, child, because Heaven’s got a plan for you.”
Lately, I’ve been mourning the emptiness of my current state in life, instead of thinking about how a hollow is precious. It’s there to be filled – and in the case of life, it’s there to be filled with experiences that matter to you.
Last night, I was talking on the phone with my brother, Daniel (who may be younger than me, but in many ways is wiser), when I told him that I felt like I was “on the long road to nowhere.” He responded by saying, “We all are. That’s life.”
His words struck me hard in the chest as truth. Life has no point! That’s the whole point! It’s what you make of it! How could I have forgotten that important and simple truth??? It made me wonder what it is, exactly, that I am yearning for — why I feel that I am so sorely lacking while others flourish.
I came to the realization, as I lay WIDE-awake around 3 in the morning last night, that in some sort of sick tit-for-tat way, I’ve been comparing myself to everyone I know. I erroneously have been holding the belief that if we ever did anything together (especially school), I “should” be able to do what the other person could do (like winning Grammys, or being a successful attorney, or being a parent). And that’s beyond absurd. It’s as though some childish part of me couldn’t differentiate my self from any other person and give any other person credit for their life, skills, work, and destiny. It just believes, “If they can do it, so can I.” And that’s such deeply flawed thinking. It can only lead to feeling guilty and unworthy.
I mean, I went to Berklee College of Music – it spills over with Grammy winners. One of my fraternity brothers had one of his songs sung by Beyonce during the Super Bowl yesterday. When she sang Halo, my eyes welled with tears of pride for him. I felt lucky just to know him. Songwriting success on that level is not going to happen for me ever. It’s like winning the lottery. That doesn’t make my life less valuable.
Heaven still has a plan for me. I might not know what it is, but that plan still exists. Because I do. And I fulfill it just by living.
That being said, I think it’s about time I started having some fun.