Dance of the Therapy Fairies

I was woken up early this morning by a phone call from IPD, letting me know that the therapist I was scheduled to see on Saturday (the one who I had seen about a year ago while we were living at Nick’s house, who I really didn’t like) was unwilling to see me because she was not “accepting new patients” and even though I was not a new patient, it had been too long since I had last seen her for her to see me again as a “regular” patient.

This would have upset me if not for 2 very important things: (1) I really didn’t want to see her anyway, and (2) last night, I spoke with my new, awesome therapist (let’s start calling her “K,” because she’s sticking around) and she and I were able to come to a payment arrangement, so that I can continue working with her, without involving my insurance!

So, I didn’t have talk therapy this week. Worse things have happened.  But I did do my homework. I have picked out my 3 favorite pairs of earrings.  I have been keeping myself active/busy instead of just sitting on the couch for the most part. The only thing I haven’t done is to call Humana to find out if I can see a nutritionist/dietitian on my plan.  That’s on today’s to-do list.

State of the Rae Address

I am happy to announce that I am not currently suicidal. Whether it’s the increase in activity helping me feel more empowered, the increase in Nortriptyline making my brain function better, or the combination of the two, I am more functional today than I have been over the last month and a half or so.  It’s been a couple of days now that I’ve gone without breaking down crying for no reason, and I am extremely grateful for it.  I’m also glad that without the Abilify, I am not having seizures, and am awake and able to think clearly.

There’s another thing that’s popped up that surprised me, and I’m really glad for it: an immediate desire to get back to fostering kittens again.  The truth of the matter is that when I’m in a good mood like this, I still really want to have a kid… but I feel like that’s putting the cart before the horse. We’ve gotta fix me first. So for now, kittens are good.  I need to see if Adam’s cool about getting back to it (It’s only been a week or so since we finished up with our last foster), and then get in contact with the Romeoville Humane Society to let them know we’re ready to help out again.

Removing Resistance to Happiness

I love doing yoga, but I haven’t done it in months.  Why? Because the way our living room is set up, I have to move a heavy chair and our living room coffee table out of the way just to be able to have the room to do it.  It’s like because I have to exert extra energy and force upon the room, I cannot do yoga. It’s as though I have forgotten that I have the ability to change my space.  Because I have been spending so much time “being busy” to avoid automatic negative thoughts, I have almost been forced to notice that I have the power to change the world around me.

So today, because Adam is sick and we won’t be going to the gym, I am going to do some yoga at home, even though there’s a part of me that feels absolutely resistant to the idea of moving the furniture in the living room.  It’s the same resistant feeling that I have when it comes to doing the dishes – that same “I don’t want to!”  But if not listening to that whiny voice is what helps me feel better when it comes to dishes, I’m willing to bet that not listening to it when it comes to this situation will be the correct course of action as well.  Heck, I’m almost willing to put a Stamp of Approval on any action that gets the inner, whiny “I don’t want to.” at this point.  It seems like its modus operandi is to keep me down.

And right now, I’m doing my best not to let anything do that.