Today, a friend reminded me that I am more than my disability.

And I think that’s a big part of why I have been so depressed recently: I have all but forgotten that fact.

I have been so mired in dwelling upon what I can’t do that I’ve forgotten to focus on what I can do… and when you get caught up in that sort of murky, muddy, muddled thinking, the world itself is like quicksand all around you. It’s hard to breathe. It’s hard to think. It’s hard to move. It’s hard to do anything.

I had forgotten that just by being being me, and by being around, I make a positive difference in the world.

I don’t know why I make “making a positive difference in the world” a harder thing than it needs to be.  Just being alive and being kind and loving are things that come naturally.

Learning When To Not Listen To Myself

Today, I was invited to a networking dinner for music and theater professionals, and my first instinct was to say, “No,” because I didn’t think I had anything to offer anyone at the dinner… but rather than go with my instincts, I asked my friends on Facebook what they thought.

Across the board, the answer was an emphatic: “GO!!!!”

I knew that it was important to get the opinion of others because I can tell that I am holding myself back, based entirely on my opinion of myself because of my disability — and that is also part of my depression.

So, I responded to the invitation and said that I would attend…but not before I probably shot myself in the foot by answering his questions about my career goals by starting with, “I currently do not have employment, as I have been disabled with multiple sclerosis and a seizure disorder for the past 5 years. Recently, however, we’ve gotten my seizures under control, and I’m *very* keen on getting back into working in the music industry. It’s been my lifelong passion, as I’m sure you can tell from my resume.”

I wish I could take that email back and just say that my career goal is to get a job in the music industry.  But that opportunity has come and gone.

Who Am I Without MS, Seizure Disorder, Hypertension, & Depression?

Is there even a person under there?  I mean, I’m sure there is. I just have spent so much time concentrating on my life with these conditions that I’ve forgotten about my personality. I’ve forgotten about me.  It’s easy to understand why I have been suicidal if all I do all day long is be alone and think about how bad I feel and focus on being at the effect of all of these medical conditions.

So I have a new mission: finding Rachael again… because she’s lost.