No Idea What To Do

What do you do when you find out that every wish on every birthday candle, every wishbone, every shooting star that your husband has had for the last 5 years has been for you to stop having seizures, and that’s what’s finally happened… but you don’t think you can keep going on without antidepressants, which are what were bringing down your seizure threshold and causing them to happen more frequently?

It’s only 10:20 a.m. – I have only been awake for an hour and a half – and I’m already feeling deeply morose and panic-stricken because all that I have left to do today are dishes and laundry, which won’t even take me an hour.  I am already freaking out about how every weekday is exactly the same in its loneliness, emptiness, and ultimate lack of purpose. My level of distress is intolerable and physically icky.

All that I want is to feel like I am not a waste of space and resources. I want to have activities to do. I want to feel like I make a positive difference in the world.

I know that I matter to Adam. I know that I matter to my family.  I know that I matter to my friends.

I know that being depressed like this doesn’t help anyone.  I feel like I’m fumbling around in the darkness trying to find my way out and am constantly knocking into walls.

I wish, more than anything, that I could stop panicking about it all.  The sense of urgency to end the anxiety over the whole situation, I think is what drives the suicidal thoughts.

It’s like “AAHHH! OMG! THERE’S NOTHING GOING ON!!! THAT’S NOT OKAY!!!”

It makes me sick at my stomach. It makes me want to hide.  It makes me wish I could sleep all day.  It’s embarrassing, not to know what to do with yourself, and to realize that you’ve gone for so many years having constant seizures that you didn’t notice you weren’t doing anything and were okay with it.

I’m ashamed to say that part of me wants the antidepressants back because I had accepted the seizures as my lot in life and had become accustomed to living that way.  It’s a lot harder trying to fill your day with activity and purpose when you had convinced yourself that you couldn’t do things.

Last night, Adam had me cook him an egg.  That was something I hadn’t done in years.  And I know that if I can cook an egg, there are probably a lot of other things that I can do too.  I’m just scared.  So I’m paralyzed by my mind, and that’s… well, terrifying in and of itself.

I’ve got therapy tonight, and I’m glad for that.  I feel fundamentally broken and completely lame. Maybe the doc can help me put myself back together. Right now, I can’t even get on a bus to go to the gym by myself.

There are some things that I’m trying to do at least. I’m warming up vocally again, even if I don’t have a band to sing with or a chorus or anything.  I’m dancing to music when no one’s around rather than just sitting around, to try to shake off the blues… I’m really trying to not be sad.

Maybe if I try long enough, it’ll start to work…

 

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2 thoughts on “No Idea What To Do

  1. Oh sweetie, I hear you. I know how it feels to be gripped by the depression and not know how to get out.

    For whenever you’re ready, I do have a couple of suggestions:
    1. Your Etsy store–make some more beaded lovelies?
    2. Go through your blog and other resources to make all the helpful stuff really easy for people to find on your site, and do some SEO to get ad revenue in?
    3. Work though a book like the Artist’s Way to unleash some of your inspiration so that you can keep writing inspirational and helpful works for people?

    I focus on your writing because I think this is a real gift you have to the world. Your story is important, and all the resources you’ve put together are really helpful to people. Curating information from various sources is a talent in itself. Your site is a real boon.

    One other thing–self care is very very important. I know someone else in the same situation of being off antidepressants for the sake of conceiving, and it’s just super hard. She’s concentrating most of her time on self care to keep going without the meds, and it’ s of course annoying to have to spend so much time on it, but it’s just what has to happen. Maybe you can think of some of the things you need to do as your job for a time . . . a perfectly legitimate full time job!

    Are there things you can add? A lightbox, for example? Even here in CA, I suffer from some SAD.

    OK, enough for now. I hope this is helpful. You can do this!

    • You are like the 5th person who has suggested the Artist’s Way to me. I need to quit brushing the suggestion off and just give in to it.

      As for the Etsy shop: it’s long since gone. I sold 1 pair of earrings to a friend…

      Thank you for the love and support, Rebecca. You are amazing and wonderful.

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