I am not going to kill myself. I may be darkly sad. I may have consistent thoughts about suicide, but I am not going to kill myself. I just have to get through this time and find a way to change my life for the better.
Right now, I live a pathetic life. I drag myself out of bed around 10 am, have a bowl of cereal most days, catch up on Facebook, and then wonder what to do with myself for 7 hours while I wait for my husband to come home before we go to the gym and then watch TV before we go to bed. And then the cycle repeats.
I am lonely. I have never had a situation that made it possible for me to make friends with folks in Chicago, so I have no social life here to fall back on… no friends to call on or hang out with. I’ve tried Craigslist musician ads, but no one ever answers them.
I am totally bored. I have no ambition. I am desperately over-educated. If I do expend the effort and try to get a job through the Ticket to Work program before mid-March (which I don’t even know if I could do, to be honest), I will have to pay back about $150,000 in law school loans. That’s a disincentive to work if there ever was one, but I feel like if I don’t get a job or something else to fill my time that I’ll simply lose my mind… and there are worse things than repaying a debt that is owed.
Frankly, I feel trapped in this hollow existence. I feel like I have nothing to offer the world, but I know that simply can’t be true.
Adam suggests looking at this time as a vacation — but a vacation from what? I feel like I’m in some layer of hell. Our TV doesn’t even pick up stations for more than a few minutes at a time. I can only stream Netflix, so I have to have a particular show in mind – and honestly, there’s only so much marathon TV show watching a person can do.
I wish that I could enjoy MMORPGs or other games and lose myself in gaming, but I’m not that kind of girl. It just seems pointless. And music, while it used to make me happy, now just makes me angry and upset because I’m not any good at it anymore and I don’t have the patience with myself that is necessary to get good at it again, despite the fact that I certainly have the time.
Everything just feels bad… like I’m wearing a suit that’s too tight… like I’m suffocating in my own skin.
Today, I haven’t even been able to get myself to eat, let alone shower or brush my teeth or any of that. I’ve been out of bed for over an hour, and self-care is at zero… and that’s not acceptable. I know I have to do things to care for myself to be okay, or this is only going to get worse… though, to be honest, I’m not sure how much worse it can get.
I’m going to call my therapist and see if I can move tomorrow’s appointment up to today.
And I’m going to eat some cereal, because without food, I will feel bad. Maybe after that I can convince myself to shower, wash my face, brush my teeth, and to put on non-pajama clothes. Fuck, anything can happen when you give it the old college try.