I’m very glad that I have found a new therapist and that we’re about to start working on my depression.
Today, it was very hard to get out of bed, but I did it. I’ve eaten breakfast, taken my morning medicine, and brushed my teeth and used mouthwash. I even have laundry up. But that’s about as far as it goes.
I know I need to be doing more. I know it’s my responsibility to make myself happy. I just don’t have any idea how to do that. I know that I should change out of house clothes/pajamas, but I don’t see the point, since I’m home alone. Why be uncomfortable if I don’t have to be? It’s not like I’m going anywhere. It’s not like anyone is going to see me. It’s not like wearing jeans and a t-shirt w/a bra makes me feel better about myself than these PJs. It’s not like anyone would notice besides me.
I think the hardest thing that I deal with is that everything feels completely pointless, and I am lonely. Interactions on Facebook seem to serve to punctuate just how alone I am during the day. I cling to that website like it proves to me that I exist. I’m a modern day Sisyphus. Laundry and dishes are constant. You do them, and there is always more to be done.
Where is the joy in life?
I promised myself that today, I was going to try to cook dinner. It feels difficult even to start the process. I’ve already hit up Allrecipes.com and none of the old recipes that I used to cook look good. It just showed me that I put a lot of recipes in my box and didn’t rate very many… and those that I did take the time to rate, I rated during my first marriage, which brought up a whole bunch of ridiculous and unnecessary baggage for me. At least it reminded me that there was a time when I could do pretty much anything that I set my mind to.
I am tired of feeling sad and ineffectual. I know I can be better than this. I’m ready to be happy with myself and with life. I just don’t remember how.
I think the path to wellness continues with a shower, changing into daytime clothes, making the bed, folding more clothes, and doing more dishes. At the very least, I’ll be useful to my husband that way… and clean.