Today, I attended my niece’s 5th birthday party over at my in-laws’ house. It was My Little Pony themed. We ate pizza. But more importantly, me and the little one played together, and we had a good time.
It occurred to me, somewhere between playing make believe with the shark cookie jar and catch with a plush puppy, that Dottie looks up to me, and that even if we don’t spend tons of time together — I have an effect on her, and I want that effect to always be positive.
Committing suicide, or even maintaining a suicidal mindset would not be a positive influence in any way shape, form, or fashion. She would think that I didn’t love her or her baby brother, and that’s the farthest thing from the truth. It would be a terrible example to set.
So even though I was fully committed to going to therapy and to not killing myself and to beating my obsessive thought pattern with suicide before — my resolve has been further strengthened. I thought, for the longest time, that I was doing this for myself, for Adam, and for our future kids… but I had forgotten about the children who already exist who I love and who care about me, and they matter in a very real way.
I’m intensely grateful that I am an aunt, and that life led us to Chicago, so that Adam and I could actually be a part of Dottie and Alex’s lives, and they could be a part of ours.
Children are a blessing.