Trying to Crawl Before I Walk

So, yesterday I had the thought that it may be time to learn the laws of Illinois and try to become a lawyer again in an attempt to “take back my life.”  That’s not an inexpensive or easy goal.

In fact, it would cost around $4000 for Barbri and the test — money that I don’t have right now, and then there’s always the question of whether or not I’m actually up to the task of actually being a lawyer. Sure, I’m not having seizures at the moment.  It’s been a great month without them, but I’m on a high dosage of Topamax (complete with word fishing) and I still have MS, with muscle weakness, neuropathic pain, and fatigue that has me regularly taking 2-3 hour naps most days.

I’m trying to build up my confidence and build back to having a semblance of a “normal” life, whatever that means. I think the best thing to do right now is to see if I can even work.  I think I should check out the Ticket To Work program.

I read a good article today on how there’s more to life than being happy: that it’s more important for your life to have purpose and meaning.  I think I try my best to give back to the world. I wish I had a more defined purpose, but for now, I feel like I at least try to give back to the world through this blog.  I feel like by chronicling my journey, I give others permission to feel however they feel and to gain strength by knowing how I’ve handled what I’m going through.

Speaking of giving back: I’m going to be retooling the self-care chart. I think it can be better.  If any of you have suggestions for it, I’m all ears… or eyes, as it were.

Truth be told, life is good right now, despite the depression.  I haven’t had an MS exacerbation in over a year.  I haven’t had a seizure in over a month.  My relationships with my husband and with my family are good.  I have every reason to be happy and hopeful.

That’s why there are moments when I think it would be a good idea for Adam and me to start a family of our own.  I’ve wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember, and when I’m not horribly sad for no good reason, I think I’d be a really good mom.

But how can someone be a good mother if they don’t have their own life “together”?  I’m still struggling to make sure I have proper daily hygiene right now.  Hell, it’s nearly noon, and I’m still in my pajamas.  I was just proud of myself for remembering to take my medicine this morning *and* eating breakfast.  It’s the first time I’ve done both of those things all week.

I wonder what my litmus test will be for knowing when I’m good enough.


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