I’m not a complainer, but: Pain.

I am almost always dealing with some annoying amount of pain, but right now, it’s the kind that you’ve got to hit with something that makes you feel no pain or talk about it or cry about it or all of the above.

Sometimes, I get acidy burning sensations in my forearms, my left one especially, and it feels like I’m wearing a bracer of fire right now, going from my elbow to my wrist, and again at my shoulder and in my knuckles.

For all the positive talk I give about meditation, bio-feedback, and however smiley I can be — this MS is just a huge pain in the ass at times. I can handle pain; I take it well enough, but I don’t like how it just shows up out of nowhere. And you have no idea how long it’s going to last, and it turns you all hard and steely and hungry for a fight. It takes your day and stomps on it. Then, when your day gets back up and dusts itself out, it stomps on it again just to be sure it got the message.

My arm feels heavy, sore and bruised, especially towards the middle, and I know perfectly well that it’s fine, but that’s the kind of trick your head plays on you when you have MS. You can know you’re fine and feel the pain of something that never happened.

And I know there’s nothing that the doctors can do for me unless this bitchass pain sticks around for 2 or more days. Because otherwise, it’s a pseudo-exacerbation.

So you just feel like you’re fucking crazy and know that you aren’t, you’re just “misfiring” like a flesh robot with messed up wiring.

Enough self-pity; I’m going to do what I can to get some relief.

Edit: Not 15 minutes after I first published this, the pain subsided. This is the kind of madness that I go through. Bouts of extreme pain, followed by nothing.

I feel like I should be more grateful that the pain is inconsistent. I just wish there were no pain.

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