Just another day

Well, officially, I’m having an MS relapse.

My left big toe is keeps going back and forth between pins and needles and totally numb. Walking is tough. My whole body is aching like crazy, and I’ve been having tons more seizures than usual. (Actually, about what I was having before Topamax.)

Dr. J really impressed me today. I called and left a message at his office just before they opened, and he called around noon. It was only 2 p.m. before I had a medrol dose pack waiting for me at the pharmacy. I have an appointment with him on Monday.

I spent most of my morning on Facebook, and I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through the morning without all the love and support of my friends there.

Right now, I’m watching an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition where a child committed suicide, and they’re making over the home of that child’s family, in part so they don’t have to continue living in the house where their family member killed himself.

I thank God every day that I wasn’t successful in my childhood suicide attempts, and that as an adult, I was given the psychiatric treatment that I so badly needed to help me get past that inaccurate desire. I never wanted to die. I always wanted to stop hurting and to communicate the level of my pain and frustration.

Please, please, please, talk lovingly with your children, and help remove them from situations where they are being consistently bullied. You may save a life.

I think the most important to teach, though, is how to not be a bully to yourself, also. I’ve been waiting more than a week to call the doctor, and there’s no good reason for that. Once a symptom sticks around for 3 days, it’s not a pseudoexacerbation. I’m just stubborn. I stick to things until I have to change, and that’s something I’d like to change about myself.

Earlier this week, a few friends on Facebook were talking about the importance of language in our inner monologue and I couldn’t help but be struck by that truth. “I will not be negative” and “I will be positive” are not the same. When you use “not” language, you force yourself to think of the very thing you’re trying to avoid. When you use positive language “I am/will be,” you are sending yourself a positive affirmation.

Everyone has an inner monologue, and yours can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Sometimes both! Mine’s kind of a bitch, and I would like her to be more friendly, so for the past year or so, I’ve been working on word choices. I no longer wake up to, “Get up, you lazy sack of crap.” I decided that I deserve more self-respect as a person. Now, I wake myself up to, “Rise and shine! Time to make the awesome!”

I decided I was tired of being a victim, and that I was, from that moment on, going to live my life as a creator – spending more time thinking my way through situations than worrying about what got me into them in the first place. I was going to empower myself, regardless of how dire the situation seemed.

Besides, living in the here-and-now is a lot more engaging than living in the past. And now that I’ve dealt with my past, the present is much easier to deal with.

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