Just… ow.

Coming off of Cymbalta is painful. I just dropped another 10 mg, and it’s an all-over ache that makes me want to whimper.

Shit like this makes me question how much I want to have children. I get that it’s important to be healthy and to not be on medications that will harm the fetus, but part of me is like, “Is it worth what I’m putting myself through to have kids that are genetically mine?” I’m sure the answer is yes and that I’m just crabby from the pain today. It’s only day one and the change is really a minimal one.

And I’m sure there are those of you wondering, “What if her kids see this one day?” I think they’d probably think, “Wow, Mom went through a lot for us.” Because I am going through a lot and its a labor of love.

I have to say that it makes me angry. I hate multiple sclerosis so much. Most people can just get knocked up and not have to go through this kind of crap. It’s not fair. And I know. Life is not fair. But whatever. It’s just one more thing in this honors course for humanity. I have to really REALLY mean it if I want kids. Really. And I guess this is how I prove it… by enduring unbelievable fucking pain in small amounts of time, over and over again.

Right now, I’ve gone down from 90mg/day to 70mg. I have to completely get off of Cymbalta and Nortriptyline, both of which handle severe neuropathic pain for me. And I will be replacing that pain medication with… nothing. With love for my someday children.

Yeah, it sounds nuts to me too. I’m going to hurt all day long and do it in the name of being able to carry life. And I’m hoping that the paleo diet is going to be enough to block the kind of pain that requires not only an amount of Cymbalta that is above dosage recommendations, but also Nortriptyline and weed – with the hopes that with MS taking a vacation during pregnancy, I won’t hurt so bad for 9 months.

I already am looking longingly at adoption and wanting to stop this craziness. But I don’t think it seems like madness to anyone but me. Maybe it’s because no one else feels what I feel. Maybe I’m just not tough enough. Maybe I’m just not tough tonight. That’s far more likely.

Tough happens in moments. So a re-commitment to the paleo diet, and a stiff upper lip.

6 thoughts on “Just… ow.

  1. Keep weening off doll u can do it when i was first pregnant i was taking avonex effexer75mg and clonazpam my kids e fine i stoped shot right away tye effixer took3 weeks. And clonzpam i poped evertime i needed not much maybe 5 1mg mnt i was scared id seizure and panic i had to have it kids t fine pray. Good luck
    love ya go get u a baby

  2. I happened upon your blog, and I must say you are an extremely positive and strong and kind human being. If for any reason, it is too difficult to have your “own” children, my goodness, you would be a god-sent to so many children that need a family and connection in the world – a safe and loving home. You are inspiring to me. I recently got diagnosed with Epilepsy at 52 years old. I had three grand mal seizures between July 2010, and January 2011. I am on generic Keppra and have not had a seizure since, but the medicine I believe is wreaking some havoc with my life. But, I read your writings and I am always inspired. I too, went to law school, graduated at 49 years old, missed the Alaska Bar Exam by 4.5 points with a 52% pass rate, and haven’t taken it since. I will one day, maybe. But, I want to thank you for sharing and what you do that helps others! Kudos to you!

    • Randi, thank you so much for writing!

      I’m sorry to hear of your struggles, but I’m always glad to “meet” a kindred spirit. Hearing that you came so close to passing the bar exam makes me want to say the same thing everyone says to me, “Take it again! You can do it!” 🙂 But I know how it goes: it’s a matter of whether or not you really want to be an attorney and whether or not you really want to put yourself through the stress of taking that test all over again! Just don’t hold yourself back from anything you truly want.

      As for the seizures: I was on Keppra for a while, and it made me very angry, even when there was nothing to be angry about. I hope that isn’t what is occurring for you. It can be hard to find the seizure med that is right for you. If you’re ever looking for community, I strongly suggest Patientslikeme.com — there’s a wonderful group of people there, who are supportive and are a wide range of ages.

      I’m so glad to have you as a reader, and I look forward to future interactions with you! Hope you’re having a good day! 🙂

  3. Hey. I have a boxer, and for the past 6-8 months, she has being haivng full seizures as well. They only seem to happen when she is really relaxed, and usually at night. My vet has put her on a medication called potassium bromide, and it has really helped to reduce her seizures from several a day, to one every few months. I hope your puppy gets well soon

    • Puppy? I think you’re confused. I actually am the one who has the seizures. My seizure alert dog, Brisco, lets me know when I’m going to have them!

      Sorry to hear about your boxer. Seizures are no fun for beings of any species. 😦

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