This morning I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I am 31 years old, a housewife, and not a mom yet. And that this color of blonde is not flattering. But that’s a whole other thing, and not at all worth blogging about.
Truth be told, I’ve been baby-crazy for about a year now – but all it takes is a day with my niece for me to say to my husband, “I don’t have enough energy for kids.” The beautiful, talented, smart, and fantastic Dottie Lou is on a constant sugar high at Buscha’s (Grandma’s) house, when I see her. There’s just no keeping up! 🙂 Not even for her mommy… so I feel a little better at least.
MS is supposed to go into remission during pregnancy, so I kinda have mixed feelings on the whole “becoming a mother” thing, but I feel, deep in my heart, that I want to have at least a couple of kids, if not 3. My Dad joked that I should just stay pregnant to keep the MS at bay when we first found that out. Adam didn’t think it was a bad idea. Part of me didn’t think so either…
There’s something unusual in me when it comes to being a baby-maker there — a pull, as if to say that our family’s not complete, and that I need – *need* to be making life. Like that’s the whole point, and I’m missing it, if I’m not using my femininity to its utmost. Like baby-making is my JOB and everything else I do is just window-dressing.
But I know things will happen when they need to happen and I need to just focus on the “now.”
It helps that I have so many friends whose parents have MS, because I was worried for a while that my kid(s) would think of me as a burden, and none of my friends view their parents that way. So that’s good.
I just feel this horrible tug right now that something — someone — important is missing. And that I love them, and need them with me, very much. I guess that’s what they mean when they talk about maternal instincts. And this whole time, I didn’t even think I had any!
But if my kid(s) ever read this, I hope they know they were thought of and very loved well before they came to be. And that their father and I considered the possibility, albeit 5% that they could end up with MS, and that their daddy and I were willing to gamble that possibility because life is worth it, even with challenges. Besides, everybody has something, and DNA only accounts for 30% of the crap you can die from, or so I read today!
Don’t you love little stupid factoids like that? I do.
Anyway, today is Adam’s 33rd birthday, and the house is a bit messy, so I really ought to take the time to do some dishes, put up some laundry, and tidy up the place a little while I still have some energy going from breakfast and my purple Zipfizz.
I don’t know how I’d make it without that stuff. I know that Zipfizz is so NOT paleo, but without either Zipfizz or 5hr Energy or a ton of coffee, I don’t know how I’d get through the day. Fatigue is just a bear. Or a ton of lead weights. You choose.
Anyway, I hope everyone is having a really good day. I’ll probably get on here later to translate Chapter 40 of the Tao de Ching, because, well, I like translating it, and it’s good for me spiritually. And content is good: what’s a blog without content? Boring, that’s what.
Love, Peace, and hopefully not too much grease – because that just makes cleaning tougher.