Stream of Consciousness

This morning I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I am 31 years old, a housewife, and not a mom yet. And that this color of blonde is not flattering. But that’s a whole other thing, and not at all worth blogging about.

Truth be told, I’ve been baby-crazy for about a year now – but all it takes is a day with my niece for me to say to my husband, “I don’t have enough energy for kids.” The beautiful, talented, smart, and fantastic Dottie Lou is on a constant sugar high at Buscha’s (Grandma’s) house, when I see her. There’s just no keeping up! πŸ™‚ Not even for her mommy… so I feel a little better at least.

MS is supposed to go into remission during pregnancy, so I kinda have mixed feelings on the whole “becoming a mother” thing, but I feel, deep in my heart, that I want to have at least a couple of kids, if not 3. My Dad joked that I should just stay pregnant to keep the MS at bay when we first found that out. Adam didn’t think it was a bad idea. Part of me didn’t think so either…

There’s something unusual in me when it comes to being a baby-maker there — a pull, as if to say that our family’s not complete, and that I need – *need* to be making life. Like that’s the whole point, and I’m missing it, if I’m not using my femininity to its utmost. Like baby-making is my JOB and everything else I do is just window-dressing.

But I know things will happen when they need to happen and I need to just focus on the “now.”

It helps that I have so many friends whose parents have MS, because I was worried for a while that my kid(s) would think of me as a burden, and none of my friends view their parents that way. So that’s good.

I just feel this horrible tug right now that something — someone — important is missing. And that I love them, and need them with me, very much. I guess that’s what they mean when they talk about maternal instincts. And this whole time, I didn’t even think I had any!

But if my kid(s) ever read this, I hope they know they were thought of and very loved well before they came to be. And that their father and I considered the possibility, albeit 5% that they could end up with MS, and that their daddy and I were willing to gamble that possibility because life is worth it, even with challenges. Besides, everybody has something, and DNA only accounts for 30% of the crap you can die from, or so I read today!

Don’t you love little stupid factoids like that? I do.

Anyway, today is Adam’s 33rd birthday, and the house is a bit messy, so I really ought to take the time to do some dishes, put up some laundry, and tidy up the place a little while I still have some energy going from breakfast and my purple Zipfizz.

I don’t know how I’d make it without that stuff. I know that Zipfizz is so NOT paleo, but without either Zipfizz or 5hr Energy or a ton of coffee, I don’t know how I’d get through the day. Fatigue is just a bear. Or a ton of lead weights. You choose.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a really good day. I’ll probably get on here later to translate Chapter 40 of the Tao de Ching, because, well, I like translating it, and it’s good for me spiritually. And content is good: what’s a blog without content? Boring, that’s what.

Love, Peace, and hopefully not too much grease – because that just makes cleaning tougher.
-Rae

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5 thoughts on “Stream of Consciousness

  1. The instinct to create life as a woman is strong and deep. I’ve wrestled it myself many times, even though I am no longer able to bear my own biological children. I’m getting older (37 now!) and my life seems to be on a different path. It’s a path I love, though it doesn’t right now include a husband or children. I am blessed with 3 amazing nieces and 2 wonderful nephews who fill that space in my heart.

    I love that you included a note to your future children in this blog! Very smart, and sweet.

    Happy Birthday to Adam! I hope you have a lovely celebration together.

    Light and Love to you……

  2. I have long assumed I would never have children: with my first wife, it was decided that it would too cramp our bdsm/orgy party lifestyle (and leave no disposable income for her to waste with impunity). Then after the MS Dx, I felt a nail in the coffin of the whole affair. What stuck out most to me about the whole “remission during pregnancy” was overshadowed by the, “but then following…” warning of a mega-exacerbation. I couldn’t in good conscience bring a child into the world only to be unable to care for them. And now I see people with MS rejoicing in the addition of children. And I see “normals” bemoaning their own exhaustion, but then I have a niece named for me… and I have a more amazing wife now but there is no room, financially, for us even to consider the idea. Plus we ain’t even had out 1yr anniversary yet, so I suppose technically I shouldn’t use the word “wife.” πŸ™‚ And I am 31 and confused. But for the first time in a decade I am open again to the prospect… so that’s gotta be something, right? I can academic-thesis-justify either side of our argument, Rae, but here I am: stuck in the middle with you. ❀

    • I think utter exhaustion for the “normals” might be our everyday bread and butter — and I read that the longer you breastfeed, the longer you keep that big bad uberrelapse at bay!

      I’m glad as can be that you’re stuck back in the middle with me, K. You’ve got a lot of love to give, and a lot of wisdom to boot. You’d be a killer mom, since a lot of it comes from *wanting to be one*.

      My Daddy always used to say that no one can afford a child and that babies bring good luck. I believe him on that one. I think when you’re ready, and when Adam and I are ready, if and when that time comes, we’ll all know it.

  3. Pingback: 38 Weeks & Serendipity | In It For The Parking

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