Usually, this is the kind of thing I save for Patients Like Me, but after reading today’s Trauma Tuesday on PTSD and learning of the concept of “passive suicide” – something which, I’ve apparently been engaging in most of my life… (a lifestyle of recklessness and hanging around those who are reckless, not really caring if you get hurt; cept I’ve spent more of my life toeing the line on both sides… sometimes earned me the nickname “Goody toe shoes,” sometimes, “Mom,” and all too often, “Bitch.”) I feel it is somewhat necessary to say this:

Weed is a necessary drug.

I did not inhale cannabis this morning, as I usually do. When I did not do this, and I had my IV-SM infusion, I ended up a having horrible time with suicidal ideation today. I also experienced PTSD flashback memories. I just remembered them: no hallucinations or anything. It was just very vivid. I am referring to some of the repressed memories that I recovered during EMDR treatments.

It was not until I was willing to smoke out that I was able to calm down enough to be okay tonight. I needed Adam to tell me to use it before I realized I needed it because physically, the IV-SM was masking the pain entirely. I just kept suddenly crying and not knowing why.

I need to treat the medical marijuana exactly the same as I do my pills. I need to be better about measuring the stuff and when I take it.

Bright side: No seizures.

Oddly, I feel this is winning. Or at least in the right direction.