I was going to write an entry about my time in the hospital but then I thought about the most important lesson that I learned there, and that’s that the past is done. So fuck it.

5150 finished, my time has been paid, but the bills haven’t rolled in yet. I’m not sure how we’ll deal with that yet, but we’ll figure it out. I have faith in us, in G-d, in my friends, and in the Universe to provide.

I think the most important thing is that I’ve made new friends, most importantly with myself. I’ve finally stopped blaming myself for things that were never my fault to begin with. I have at least a modicum of self respect, and for that I am thankful. I have definitely made the best of my situation.

I’m starting to regain certain memories, and certain parts of my personality, I’m feeling more comfortable with. I’d almost entirely forgotten the time I’d spent living on my own as an adult. I make more sense to myself now overall, and even if there are things I dislike about me, I finally get why it used to take me almost 2 hours to go grocery shopping. If I didn’t remember what Mom bought, I had to make the most educated choice about which product was better, and figuring out which product is better objectively is very time consuming when you’re savvy about how marketing works and you take it down to nutritional labels.

I’m also really glad that Adam and Tim both helped me paint my apartment when I lived by myself. I really liked having walls that were colors that I liked. I remember painting “I love Adam” in the purple in my bedroom wall.

Anyway, I’m ready to get back to being myself. And the Rachael I know likes kick ass rock and roll, but the one whose life I’ve been living hasn’t gotten to rock out in any sort of meaningful way since ’02. That’s damn near 10 years. It’s pitiful. Music isn’t supposed to be a lonely thing, done in quiet isolation – a shame kept to one’s self until it is perfected. Just like dance, it has to have its jiggle.

That being said: I have a damn near empty calendar, a sparkly guitar that I’m mediocre at, a really old midi keyboard, and a voice that absolutely begs to be used for rock and roll and enough songs with good lyrics (but no under music written) to choke a goat (No, I don’t know what that means either.). I’d really like to jam with someone.

I wrote something I think might be decent this morning but it’s just a start to something. I’m thinking I’ll play around with Garageband.