I am feeling better.
I’m not 100% yet, but I would definitely say that this morning I’m rockin’ 87% at least. I was up and dressed, teeth brushed, dog walked and all by 8:30 in the morning. Nevermind the facts that I haven’t showered or that I went to bed at 8:30 p.m. last night. 🙂 The boiler in our apartment building is broken, so no one in our complex is smelling their fresh best today. Thus, I consider this a win!
Actually having energy and not feeling like whimpering just from being awake makes a huge difference in your outlook for the day, as well as getting your mind wrapped around what you want to do with it.
I feel like I should leave myself a note somehow. “If waking up consistently makes you want to cry and go back to bed, it is time for IV-SM.” Like there should be some kind of list for me and Adam that over time I’ve put together. “IF X, then IV-SM.” Because, I swear it’s not even like being in the same body. It’s the difference between feeling like you’re dying and feeling like you have life in you.
I have actually been endeavoring to still have an identity, believe it or not. Some days it proves easier than others. Still, I have found, over time, some answers that needed finding for myself.
I said that if my brother didn’t pass the bar exam that I would study for it and take it one last time with him. I don’t know that I am feeling that. I am currently helping a friend here and there with learning 1st year cases and whatnot, but the idea of putting myself under the kind of pressure that the Bar Exam puts you under just doesn’t jive with me anymore. It’s like asking to get sick again. I don’t want to. It doesn’t sound like a good time. Neither does wasting a thousand dollars on the test.
I mean, I’m working on a to-be-published legal paper with another friend of mine. That’s totally legitimate. I can still teach classes to help musicians and whatnot or just give advice here and there without being an attorney. There’s no shame in that. I have to wonder what it is about attaining the license that has such a hold on me, especially considering that I don’t even want to do the paperwork that the license gives me the right (and often obligation) to do.
Maybe I’m just seeking a “Stamp of Approval” from an objective source.
The thing is, I don’t think I need it.
On the day-to-day, there’s not a ton of stuff I can be depended upon to do, what with the unpredictability of my body/brain, if I’m going to be honest with myself, (and really, that’s the only way to be) I need to craft a life that works within the parameters of my abilities so that I can be happy.
So, I’m going to take some time to focus on the things I can do, and figure out ways to build a happier Rae. I know that madbard and mixophrygian are due some music from me at the very least. Making music on Garageband makes me very happy, even if it takes me forever because I am slow and keep forgetting how to do what I just did. Between that and guitar with Shane, I know that I’ll get back to myself.
That’s what I’m trying to do right now, really. Be a better wife: clip coupons online and off, learn how to better manage a home, make music, do some legal stuff, and not suck as a person. Hell, I’ll even go so far as to say I’m trying to be a good person.
And oddly, that’s hard right now. I remember when this would have been a walk in the park. I guess I’m not Supergirl anymore. Maybe I never was… but I worked really hard. At least, I had myself fooled. I guess that’s what it comes down to. You can do anything you put your mind to, as long as you’re ignoring your body. 🙂 I just can’t ignore mine anymore… or at least, I don’t want to.