On November 1st, I made the commitment to Adam to spend a full month off of Social Media. We got to talking about it, and In It For The Parking is the only exception to the rule because it serves several very necessary purposes in my life*.
For the last several years of my life, I have been primarily couch-locked, due to seizures. Due to that fact, I have spent an inordinate amount of time on my computer. My beautiful, sweet, lovely laptop… window to the world. It has actually gotten to the point that I don’t call people anymore. When I do talk to folks, I assume they’ve read my blog or my Facebook if it’s about something going on in my life, because – let’s face it, not much goes on in my life, it feels like.
When it gets to the point that you’re saying to your husband, “Hey, I wrote a blog entry. I’d like you to read it.” and he wants you to talk to him about it, and you really would rather him read it because it’s too hard to talk like a normal human being, you’ve got issues.
Truth be told, I’ve been both clamming up and lashing out for some time now. And when I see therapists, it’s kind of a joke. I can tell them stuff that’s gone on, but what’s an hour? Where do you go from there, but home with an open festering wound that you and your family has to deal with…on top of everything else that is already going on. It’s like I go in and pick at infected emotional scabs and then have seizures that send me right back into those moments.
Dr. M says these particular seizures are actually flashbacks. We’re supposed to start working with EMDR at the next session to see if that helps. I’m hopeful, but I’d be lying if I said I’m looking forward to it. Then again, anything that makes this better is worth it.
Which brings us back to why I’m spending 1 month completely off of Social Media (and why I will only be posting here and not checking my friends page and using all the awesome features that Live Journal has to offer).
Recently, a couple of things happened that had ABSOLUTELY NO BEARING on my life whatsoever. The marriage of a good friend of mine ended within its first year, and another close friend’s long-term relationship ended. Of course, I found this out over Facebook. And yet, because Facebook has become my only social outlet, it profoundly affected me — to the point that I picked a fight with Adam over things that made no sense at all.
Adam asked me to take some time off, and I agreed. I got to thinking about it… about how out of proportion my emotions were, how frightened I was that the same thing would happen to us… I have lost my grip on reality here.
I’ve spent so much time trying to ignore the pain that my body is in, or the fears that I have regarding whatever is going on in my life by just socializing on Facebook and surfing the net that I have forgotten how to behave like a normal human being, and I’ve forgotten that I’m doing better. I’m not having seizures all the time! It just might be time to get my lazy booty up.
Woe be it to me when I grow enough as a person to go a week without a computer. *lol* Hopefully by then I’ll have children to entertain me. 🙂
I chose a husband well!
He’s challenging me to find other ways to spend my time — and in doing so, I have a feeling I might become a better guitarist. I’ll definitely write more on the book. And, because I’m definitely going to vote in a minute (VOTE YES ON PROP 19!!!), I will probably even leave the couch. 🙂
* – Writing here allows me freedom to journal my experience with seizures and MS. It allows me to feel as though I may be helping others who suffer with seizure disorder or MS or both to feel as though what they go through, they do not go through alone, and it proves to me, each time that I make an entry, that I exist. I make a difference just by being here.