bang. head. desk.

I wrote an entry earlier that let people know about SSDI and what I’m dealing with and how I’m trying to figure things out in my life right now.

TMI again, I think.

There’s a fine line to walk between bravery and stupidity and it’s the line between public and private exposure of potentially harmful facts about your personal life.

While I believe government ought to be transparent, I needn’t be to all at all times, even if it seems to me that I must, in order to be held in good esteem by many. To those who I feel it is somehow my duty to live beyond reproach because it is by their kindness I survive, I promise you, I do my best.

And again, to think that I owe the masses because I survived for 4 years on federal student loans that were then forgiven because of my condition, though not an agreement I entered into knowingly, I would gladly give a daily accounting of things I’ve learned from my condition for as long as they saw reasonably fit.

I’m sorry I’m sick, America. I’m sorry I’m hurting. I’m sorry I overshared, if it upset you. I’m sorry that your tax dollars are what’s helping me survive, and that I’m part of a problem that needs solving.

I hate MS so much. I hate myself for having it, so much. And I hate that I’m not supposed to ever let anyone know that, because talking badly about yourself is supposedly the worst thing in the world. It supposedly makes people like you less.

But I know how many of you see me. I know that to so many people, I am a waste of needed resources. I’m just another hungry mouth to feed and someone who is using needed money to fix pain problems that are caused by lesions in her neurological system. I cost SO MUCH MONEY. It would be SO MUCH MORE COST EFFECTIVE TO KILL ME. You know, unless I happen to be somebody awesome, like Bill Gates and you just don’t know it yet…

Because you know… I am so creative! I write so many songs… I write blog entries. I talk to people about their lives and how they’re doing and am supportive and kind… It makes me wonder what a life’s worth. *smirk*

I mean, apparently, the Social Security Dept has told me what my life is worth to the U.S Govt at the moment. And it’s not nothin. I mean, for what it’s worth, I *am* worth minimum wage. *Pff* And in 2 years, Medicaid.

That is, if they let me keep my benefits after I see them tomorrow and let them know that I’m married and want to change my last name. They say there’s a chance they’ll want to discontinue benefits after they find out how much your husband makes. I *really* hope that’s not the case.

The thing is, everyone knows there’s no money in Social Security. All the money is on Wall Street.

A friend of mine once told me about the Human Stock Exchange.

The Human Stock Exchange is a place for independent artists, musicians, filmmakers, writers, inventors, and entrepreneurs, to raise the financing they require to pursue and accomplish their respective projects. It is also a place where investors can discover unique and promising investment opportunities which would otherwise remain unavailable.

The Human Stock Exchange (HSE) employs several levels of functionality. Aside from being a revolutionary online marketplace where stocks in humans are traded, The HSE offers artists, entrepreneurs, and other sellers, the opportunity to utilize such a network to propagate interest and exposure beyond that of financial support.

I wonder, if all else were to fail, if I listed my qualifications, skills, and condition, if I could find employment somehow on there. Because, I’m money. And, dammit, I know it. I just have to find a way TO it.

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