I’m still not asleep.
I can’t stay awake during the day after seizures. I can’t get meaningful sleep at night lately it seems. Nothing but nightmares. Tonight, I can’t even fall asleep so far.
At least there’s VH1 Classic’s RockFest to keep me company. There’s something kinda frickin awesome about watching the video for Aerosmith’s “Love In An Elevator” and realizing that these guys were about my age when they made this video… and a lot less educated and responsible than I have been. They’re just having fun being themselves, and the Universe sort of rose to the occasion. Don’t get me wrong. They had hard times. I know their story. It’s just that I don’t have to be as uptight as I have been. I don’t have to always be so afraid. And I am *always* afraid. I don’t even understand why I am so afraid, honestly.
Ah! Now Rush is on, and watching Neil Peart play… hell, just looking a his setup, makes a girl’s heart go all a-flutter. 🙂 God in Heaven, do I miss drumming. Those roto-toms are so sweet… I miss making music with other people. I miss that feeling of mutually creating something bigger than ourselves, just for a little while. How hokey does that sound? I know that I have the chance to sing backup for my friend Joyce… but there are days when I trust that I can do it, and days when I think that this disease has taken everything from me and that I can’t commit to doing anything other than recording stuff.
I think that’s where I’m stuck right now. Right between awesome happiness and what I fear is some crushing defeat — and that I simply will not allow. It’s like even if I keep having these seizures and I keep having worse and worse MS problems, I’m not going to let it keep me in the house, mopey. That is not how to keep me alive. That is, of course, my biggest responsibility in all of this: care for this body and mind and soul as best I can. And I am very happy to report that in the just-over two weeks without Gabapentin, I haven’t had a single suicidal compulsive thought. It has been a sort of blissful peace, wherein my fears have been able to be those of a normal woman who is getting married.
So, you know, I only have terrible nightmares about being left at the altar or being brutally dumped (always in front of my ex-husband somehow) and in this parallel universe, suddenly, the MS and seizure disorder is too big a deal and now he doesn’t want to marry me because of it…
As though he doesn’t know what he’s getting into. Adam’s been there since the day I was diagnosed. Hell, his shower was the one that I fell in when I first became heat sensitive and was having my first doctor-recognized exacerbation. He was holding my hand when the doctor gave the diagnosis both times.
Still. This is what goes on in my mind. Trust me. I’ll live. I just have to do it a little more purposefully than most, and a little more deliberately than I might like.
I’m going to try my best to focus on caring for body, mind, and spirit – each part of myself somehow, every day.
Surely, if I can manage to fertilize the crops and feed the chickens of all my Farmville Friends on Facebook, I can take the time to care for myself, right? At least, that’s what I’m telling myself right now. You gotta start somewhere, right?
So I started last week. I just didn’t realize it.
I shopped the Victoria Secret Semi-Annual Sale and got myself new bras on Clearance (not sale – CLEARANCE – there’s a difference when you’re shopping their online sale!) and got them and 2 shirts with free shipping and tax for $120. So I basically got these bras that cost $42 regularly for like $18, which is stellar. That’s what you’d pay for Target bras. And I wear these things until they fall APART. I have no idea why they were on clearance unless they just wanted to have different colors. But if that’s the reason, that’s FINE by me.
Ladies, I cannot stress the importance of properly fitted undergarments. They can make you feel like a new woman. I’ve decided that since I’ve got an “invisible” disease, I should make the most of it, if I’m up to it. To that end, having properly-fitting undergarments was necessary, since I’ve lost a lot of weight. I’ve had a really hard time eating. Anyway, having cute shirts and dresses instead of ugly t-shirts makes a huge difference in my perception of myself.
So, if you’re starting to feel ugly, you might give a quick change in wardrobe a try for a week. And a haircut. That makes a difference too.