Every day I stick around, I know is a gift to myself and those I love.
It’s time.
Time for doctors to come up with a cure for this bitch disease. Time for us to show love to one another. Time for me to create.
But I wonder from time to time how long I can go on enduring this level of pain, degeneration, and sudden inability…
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suicidal right now, but I know I will be again. It’s a cycle, this kind of thinking and with this kind of pain. I’ve had the realization that I that by writing about this like I am for you, I am proving that I am clinging to life with every fiber of my being. I’m not sure how that’s helpful, as though I’m proving some sort of case, but if there’s a Defending Your Life
(When I was writing this originally the song “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow” started playing on the radio and it was so ridiculously apt, I couldn’t help but note it in my notebook so that I wrote about it later! I will post the lyrics at the end of the post.)
I love Doctor Who again for touching on suicide. He said Van Gogh was fragile, but he could see TRUE THINGS that even the Doctor could not. In fact, the Doctor went so far to say that Depression might not even be madness at all. That certainly gave me a smile. 🙂
I’d wager there are a good number of people who are depressed who watch Doctor Who and are given hope. I know I am.
If I must suffer, at least I can take solace in the fact that pain – emotional torture, most especially – shows us in all of our humanity: both the horrible with the initial trauma and the pain that follows – but also the magic and strength of the human spirit as it heals with love and work over time and through sharing one’s hurt with others.
My brother, Daniel, has long been a fan of the Yin-Yang symbol and the taoist philosophy it stands for. During my embarassingly young divorce, he slipped me a copy of The Tao of Pooh
In a very real way, Daniel is my Big little brother. I love him very much.
This is me and my bro last weekend when we went home to visit Mom and Dad.
I took really good care of him when we were little. I made sure nothing bad ever happened to him because he was the most important thing in the world to me. I sure hope he knows that.
In case I didn’t brag on him in here too, he just got his J.D. recently from U.C. Davis! I’m very, very proud of him too.
I’m also very seriously thinking of getting a yin-yang and some beautiful art around it tattooed on my left hand inner wrist area, because I am a person who would never ever deface art, and who often needs to be reminded of 3 things:
1.) To balance my world
2.) To call my brother and keep him close, because my life is SO much better with him in it
3.) That I am God’s art. We all are, and thus, I shouldn’t harm myself either.
Don’t Stop (Thinking about tomorrow)
Written By: Christine McVie
Yeah, yeah, yeah
If you wake up and don’t want to smile
If it takes just a little while
Open your eyes and look at the day
You’ll see things in a different way
Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow
Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here
It’ll be, better than before
Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone
Naa, uuuh
Why not think about times to come
And not about the things that you’ve done
If your life was bad to you
Just think what tomorrow will do
Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow
Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here
It’ll be, better than before
Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone
Yeeeeaaah, yeah yeah yeah yeah
Woah woah oh, yeah yeah yeah
Ooh yeah yeah
All I want is to see you smile
If it takes just a little while
I know you don’t believe that it’s true
I never meant any harm to you
Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow
Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here
It’ll be, better than before
Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone
Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow
Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here
It’ll be, better than before
Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone
Oooh
Don’t you look back
Don’t you look back
Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone
Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow
In It For The Parking 