Results. Thinking. Things.

Well, the results from the February Bar Exam came back, and yours truly is still not licensed to practice law in the state of California.

I am okay with that, especially considering that my proctor woke me from a seizure in the middle of the exam and I was pretty heavily medicated during it. So, I’m 0 for 2. No biggie. Mayor V took it 4 times. Other friends have taken it more times and are attorneys right now. Really, it’s a matter of taking it until I pass, if I want to be an attorney — which, I’m not convinced I want to be at this point.

I’ve been considering my purpose a lot recently. This is, of course, what happens when you fight with yourself because of suicidal compulsion. Fortunately, since I stopped taking Gabapentin, I haven’t had *any* suicidal compulsion. I think this is incredibly important for Dr. G. to know.

In any event, I’ve decided that I prefer not to have a purpose and instead to simply live without purpose, but with the philosophy that the actions I take should ideally make me happy and lead towards a happier existence for the people I care about.

Because honestly, we cannot know for certain, with our limited ability to perceive the universe around us, whether or not there is a God or an afterlife, and if so, what that being’s desires are for us on a moment-to-moment basis. Even if we were able to do so, why would God’s desires be more valid or important than our own or those of the people who care for us or do good things for us?

I think that putting something as finite as “a” purpose on your life does you a disservice, as you may be here, in this city, on this planet, at this time, as you are, for an infinite number of reasons.

It’s when we feel our smallest, when our self-esteem is at its lowest that we search for THE REASON we are here, when really, there’s no way we can know, and, assuming that God exists in His omnipotence and omniscience, there are likely more reasons for each of us than we could possibly fathom, let alone understand or accept.

Furthermore, when I think about the people I love and the things they’ve either done or tried to do with their lives, I’ve never once actually cared whether or not they succeeded. I’ve cared whether or not they were happy doing what they were doing and whether or not they knew they were loved and supported.

I hated law school by week 3. Preparing for the bar exam makes me miserable. And really, the only time I’ve ever spent working at an attorney’s office, I was working at a family law firm… and it wasn’t the kind of work I’d want to do the rest of my life. When I was at a label, it *definitely* wasn’t the kind of work I wanted to to.

And here’s where I get REALLY smiley… I’m talking about me working. 🙂

That’s right… I’ve been doing better. LOTS better. As in no grand mal seizures in a month good. 🙂

I wish I could trust it.

So, I’m taking a break from making myself miserable in an effort to get a CA Bar card because it’s no longer making me happy, and I don’t think it’s going to make me happy any time soon. There’s no need to be Superwoman and have my physical challenges + the wedding planning + the bar exam.

When and if it’s time for me to become an attorney, I’ll rise to the occasion.

Right now, I’m just going to rise to the occasion of being me.

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