I know what you’re thinking — 2 posts in one day?! Is that even possible?
Well, yes. Yes it is.
I’ve been quiet for a long time, and I’ve been thinking. Quite a bit, actually. Today, I’m feeling… well, posty.
Have you ever realized that every single person on this planet, and on every other planet, with every action he or she does or doesn’t take, could, in theory, create a different parallel universe or timeline? And that none of the other universes would be aware of each other?
Each person has significance in her time specifically as who she is by doing what she’s doing with what she’s doing it with precisely at that exact moment. Sure, sometimes little things don’t matter, but what’s little and what’s not little isn’t something that we know or that we can even perceive. What would have been significant is only recognizable if you can hop through parallel dimensions where, say, you’d worn a different dress or caught the bus that day, or whatever. I mean, think Sliding Doors or Back to the Future 2 but on an infinite level. AND leading scientists believe the universe is ever-expanding. *lol*
I’ve spent a lot of time over the last year or two very confused because of seizures. In these post-ictal states, I often felt like I’d hopped consciousness. Like I’d wake up thinking I was 12 or something. Out of time. Out of place. But I always somehow have the good fortune of coming back. Between the pervasive mythos of destiny throughout different cultures and this aforementioned plasticity of consciousness that has me convinced that any thought I have regarding ending my own life is entirely born out of chemicals not working right or extreme physical pain.
I want to know the cool stories that come out of my life. Killing myself would just spoil that possibility altogether.
I want to make sure that all my readers understand that. I know that my friends and my family, the people who know me best, know that deep down, I don’t want to die. I’ve got far too much appreciation for the good things that life has to offer, and there are too many amazing things left to experience.
When I talk about suicide on here, it’s because it’s far too easily glossed over IRL. I talk about it here because it’s a real thing that pops up in my head and if I don’t talk about it, I’m not giving my family, doctors, and friends the opportunities they deserve and I deserve to help me when I need it. I also feel like I’m not being true to the cause that I have put in motion with this blog — which is to show what it’s like to be living with MS + Seizure Disorder. I swear I’m not just being emo.
If I just couldn’t cope, that would be one thing, but that’s not the case. I am a coping MONSTER. Giant even. At one point, Amy called me the Grand Poobah of Rolling With It.
So I just wanted to make sure that everyone is clear about that, and I wanted to thank those of you who have been kind enough to offer conversation recently. Several of you have and I’ve been in and out of being okay with talking. Sometimes I’m cool, and sometimes I’m not — but please know that your wanting to talk to me means more than I can possibly express.
Thank you for caring about me.