So the whole point of me going to analysis was to work through all the lies I sold myself as I grew up because of the abuse that I went through at the hands of a childcare worker when I was young.

The idea, from what I understand, is to rebuild my personality. To learn to like myself. To learn how to trust certain people who truly deserve it (my folks, for example) and to interpret the world around me as it actually is and not through some horrible lens of… whatever.

Anyway, everyone else has always come first. I’ve always followed directions. I’ve always been good.

So what does this personality reconstruction mean? That I become a more selfish person, right? That I learn to like myself better. That I do things for myself without near-crippling guilt.

Well, today, I walked out of a doctor’s office, rudely, and didn’t pay. I was angry because I didn’t think that I got the care that I deserved, which means I felt like I actually deserved care.

That’s a step in the right direction, at least.

I’m tired of imploding. I’m tired of being sad.

FINALLY, I am angry, and it’s not at myself – at least not for anything besides waiting for so long.

This is my life, and I’m not doing anything but what I want to do anymore.