All that it takes for me to get rid of the majority of my student loan debt, is to print out this form and get the my doctors (who are being contacted about SSDI stuff anyway) to help me here. It will be no shock to them to have this form there. It will require no additional information than that which they will already have gathered for Social Security.

But it freaking makes me feel awful to read the line “Diagnosis/explanation of the borrower’s present medical condition (identify the borrower’s condition and explain how it prevents the borrower from working and earning money in any capacity).”

…in any capacity.

*sigh* any.

There is a part of me that rages angrily against that. It’s the same part that writes this blog, I think. And the same part that pushed me to take the bar exam. Twice. The same part that believes there will be a cure sometime soon for MS.

But it doesn’t stop the pain in my wrists or my ankles or knees. It doesn’t un-numb the left side of my chest. It doesn’t keep me from falling over from seizures or from a sudden lack of feeling in my feet.

And somehow, my sense of self-worth is so tied up in the ability to make money that even though I know the Social Security office will be contacting all my doctors for the purposes of determining a claim for SSDI, I am hesitant to ask them to help me with this.

Making money… making businesses… It’s been such a part of my life before.

And now, this is something I never comprehended. Now, because there’s no way that I can work at the moment, I’m asking my doctors to tell the government that I won’t ever be able to do it again.

*I* have to be the one to ask them.

I don’t want to admit the loss of that part of myself. It feels like a punishment already having to endure it.

But what’s one more humbling event, right? At least this one acts to cancel debts I cannot pay. At least I know I’m helping my family.