Okay, so for whatever reason, when I’m here at Mom and Dad’s I seem to want to save up all the things I’m doing and the things I’m thinking for really good posts… like just writing what’s going on isn’t good enough.
The problem with that is that it builds up into this massive bundle of things I want to write about and my head wants to explode into a massive confetti-like kaboom of information for you.
So I’m going to go where my head goes first, since that’s what’s going to make my life easier!
Making My Life Easier
I am working on a post (or potentially a series of posts) inspired by a couple of threads on Patients Like Me. One is on the MS side and one is on the epilepsy side. I asked everybody about what services or products make their lives easier and there are threads going now that are pages long of people telling me different products or services that they’ve used and ways they’ve changed doing things in their lives to remove stress that MS or Epilepsy has caused them. That rocks my socks in no small way.
One of the things that the posts have reminded me about is the idea that doing little things leads to having a big thing done. And that little things you can do to alleviate anxiety can lead up to a BIG loss of anxiety.
Fixing The Right Problem First
For me, and for many people with MS and/or a seizure disorder, anxiety is an ever-present factor in life, and when it gets overwhelming, it can cause symptoms. For me, it causes big ole seizures. Every time.
Studying for the bar exam, when I let it, causes me severe anxiety. I get very scared of the “what if I don’t do well.” I start studying in order not to fail. The worst feeling is, “What if I let down everyone again? What will my friends and my readers think? What about everyone who is supporting me? Will they hate me?”
The thing is, I know, deep down, how ridiculous that is. I can take that test 40 times, and I know that my mom and dad and all of you who care will still cheer me on if that’s what I need to do – because at the end of the day, I’ll be a lawyer. And if I make the decision not to do it, and to do something else, you’d be there to see what I make of myself, because I’d still try.
I’m afraid of what I’d think of myself.
It’s like I’m choosing between being a worthless layabout and being a power attorney, black and white, no grey… when we only live in the grey.
And the worst part is, I think I sent myself to the hospital in July of 2008 because I was so afraid of failing that my body gave me an out. I think I keep myself from succeeding each time by becoming more and more anxious. By making it more and more unattainable.
10 At A Time
So, I’m back to doing what I did when I was practicing music… only it’s a little different. Instead of practicing for 10 minutes at a time, I’m doing 10 MBE questions at a time, but trying to get in 50 a day.
Maybe it’s like sweeping a walkway for myself, little by little. I will get to the other side of the walk way, and I will have done all the work, if I just do it, even if it’s little by little. Even if it’s broken up, as long as I keep going.
I have fewer than 20 days left. I’ve already experienced failure once, and I survived! No one exploded. No one hates me for it. I didn’t suffer the humiliation of a million pointing fingers and haughty laughs.
It’s a test, like any other. A few questions asking me if I see the issues going on. But I make the problem about more than that. I make it about my life.
I make the question this: “Should a woman with multiple sclerosis and a seizure disorder be allowed to be a lawyer when she feels like this?”
When the question that the CA Bar Examiners are being asked is, “Should Applicant #123456 be allowed to be an attorney, based on her scores?”
I really should stop discriminating against myself.