Well, that was fun!

[Living Room – the scene before you looks much like one you would imagine on Masterpiece Theater… or Cookiepiece Theater, for that matter. Soft jazz sax-a-ma-phone hangs softly in the background air. Rae enters, old school smoking jacket on, bubble pipe in hand. She blows some bubbles playfully.]

RAE

Oh. Hi there. I didn’t see you at first. *giggle* I was just busy taking a ridiculously difficult test for several days… [twirls hair playfully]

Ok, no, seriously, though! I was just busy taking the bar exam from the 23-25th, and the whole time I was quiet leading up to that, I was studying. Yesterday, I essentially slept through, and today, now that I’m done with the kitten foster program meeting, I HAVE NO EXCUSES, so I’m posting for you.

That’s right. You. The people that I love.

*waves*

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. 🙂

So I guess the first question that you’ll be wanting to know is how I think I did, and that answer is a stunning “not badly.”

I was enormously surprised by the fact that I did not have any seizures during the 3 days of the exam that were bad enough to make me time travel. I did on Friday! Ha! Isn’t that just like me? Throwing up after a show. Just like old times.

I lucked out with my proctor though. Boy howdy. I think I had accidentally fallen asleep during part of the MBE because I had an atonic seizure that made my head and hands drop that lasted long enough that added to my naturally occurring MS fatigue had me out. She called my name to see if I was ok and it woke me up. That lady is my lucky star. 🙂

But really, I couldn’t have asked for a better set of questions for my particular set of knowledge. We had 2 contract questions, a community property question, one on wills, one on professional responsibility, and one out of LEFT FIELD from property law. Stuff that Professor Shafiroff and I used to shoot the shit about after class even sometimes. So, I hope that what I remember from “Walks with Uncle Ira”* led me well.

This is one of those times where I think I got *just* enough accommodation. I had exactly 1 more hour per section and a private room. That’s it. I’ve had people suggest to me that I should do the 6 day test, so I have a full day to do each section, but I can’t imagine spending that much time on each part. I think I’d go insane. Then again, I was ready to stop RIGHT before she said stop each time. Arg. I need to stop thinking about it!

Anyhow, I’ve been doing much better overall, and I’m looking forward to going out to a bar tonight to celebrate my friend Jenny’s engagement!

Adam and I need to plan an engagement party too, I guess. I hadn’t even really thought about that until just now. Lots and lots to do. I’m gonna need to start getting myself organized, what with the MS Walk 2010 coming up too.

I’ve also registered a team for the walk! I got tired of MStery Walking Theater 3000, though we did a great job as a team being part of the top 400 our first year in! I’m still super stoked at how much money Alexis was able to raise in one day with those pictures. I thought it was awesome. 🙂 So, I came up with a new name. I wanted it to be silly and funny and nerdy… And you know how I love my parody… and Metalocolypse…

Wanna be a part of the coolest, most awesome-est, most bad-ass MS Walk team in the history of MS Walk teams that I’ve created yet EVER?!

JOIN CRIPPLOCALYPSE 2010!!!
(That’s “twenty-ten” for anyone who’s curious.)

Remember, you don’t have to live in the Los Angeles area to be on our team and help us fundraise! You can join the Cripplocalypse from Timbuktu, and once we’ve come up with our totally awesome t-shirt design, we will mail it to you. 🙂

Also, if getting me to dye my hair blue again will not get us up to $5,000, suggest something different! I’m always open to marketing ideas. 🙂

Here’s my personal WalkMS 2010 page!

That’s all for now! Hope you’re all having a happy Saturday!!! 🙂

*For anyone who is wondering, I think he’s an awesome professor who will never bullshit you about what he wants out of you in your writing or in your way of thinking as an attorney and if you can take a class from him you should. He’s hilarious, but more importantly, he’s never too condescending to explain something from it’s very roots. That being said I titled my notebook “Walks with Uncle Ira” as a joke because I was reading a lot of Mitch Albom at the time I was taking Ira’s class, and he’s an older man. We’d walk between Westmoreland and the Wilshire building where his office is. We’re both Jewish and our last names have the same first 3 letters, which is close enough, right? We gotta be related somehow. Professor, I hope you never see this entry, but if you do, I hope you get a good laugh at least. I mean it well. 🙂

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I imagine it like a black bear in a tutu.

This is one of the best speeches I have ever heard. You should watch it, or listen to it, or read it (as soon as they have that up). Seriously.

She said we should dance with adversity. There are times I like to imagine my adversity as a teddy bear dressed up in a tutu.

Not nearly so menacing then, ARE you, adversity?

Didn’t think so. 🙂

To email the video to friends you’ll need the link — or if you just want to know where the transcript will eventually be posted, here the URL you are looking for:

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

It’s one of my favorite days of the year – a pre-determined, scheduled opportunity to celebrate the love you have in your life. No excuses! 🙂 It’s time to show and feel appreciation. (BE HAPPY, DAMMIT! *lol*)

Whether you’re celebrating romantic love currently or not, I hope you’re having a wonderful day! Please know that you’re special and unique in this world, valuable to us all, lovable and loving in your own way, and, if you’re reading this, very appreciated by me. 🙂

10 at a time, Making Life Easier, and Fixing The Right Problem First.

Okay, so for whatever reason, when I’m here at Mom and Dad’s I seem to want to save up all the things I’m doing and the things I’m thinking for really good posts… like just writing what’s going on isn’t good enough.

The problem with that is that it builds up into this massive bundle of things I want to write about and my head wants to explode into a massive confetti-like kaboom of information for you.

So I’m going to go where my head goes first, since that’s what’s going to make my life easier!

Making My Life Easier
I am working on a post (or potentially a series of posts) inspired by a couple of threads on Patients Like Me. One is on the MS side and one is on the epilepsy side. I asked everybody about what services or products make their lives easier and there are threads going now that are pages long of people telling me different products or services that they’ve used and ways they’ve changed doing things in their lives to remove stress that MS or Epilepsy has caused them. That rocks my socks in no small way.

One of the things that the posts have reminded me about is the idea that doing little things leads to having a big thing done. And that little things you can do to alleviate anxiety can lead up to a BIG loss of anxiety.

Fixing The Right Problem First
For me, and for many people with MS and/or a seizure disorder, anxiety is an ever-present factor in life, and when it gets overwhelming, it can cause symptoms. For me, it causes big ole seizures. Every time.

Studying for the bar exam, when I let it, causes me severe anxiety. I get very scared of the “what if I don’t do well.” I start studying in order not to fail. The worst feeling is, “What if I let down everyone again? What will my friends and my readers think? What about everyone who is supporting me? Will they hate me?”

The thing is, I know, deep down, how ridiculous that is. I can take that test 40 times, and I know that my mom and dad and all of you who care will still cheer me on if that’s what I need to do – because at the end of the day, I’ll be a lawyer. And if I make the decision not to do it, and to do something else, you’d be there to see what I make of myself, because I’d still try.

I’m afraid of what I’d think of myself.

It’s like I’m choosing between being a worthless layabout and being a power attorney, black and white, no grey… when we only live in the grey.

And the worst part is, I think I sent myself to the hospital in July of 2008 because I was so afraid of failing that my body gave me an out. I think I keep myself from succeeding each time by becoming more and more anxious. By making it more and more unattainable.

10 At A Time
So, I’m back to doing what I did when I was practicing music… only it’s a little different. Instead of practicing for 10 minutes at a time, I’m doing 10 MBE questions at a time, but trying to get in 50 a day.

Maybe it’s like sweeping a walkway for myself, little by little. I will get to the other side of the walk way, and I will have done all the work, if I just do it, even if it’s little by little. Even if it’s broken up, as long as I keep going.

I have fewer than 20 days left. I’ve already experienced failure once, and I survived! No one exploded. No one hates me for it. I didn’t suffer the humiliation of a million pointing fingers and haughty laughs.

It’s a test, like any other. A few questions asking me if I see the issues going on. But I make the problem about more than that. I make it about my life.

I make the question this: “Should a woman with multiple sclerosis and a seizure disorder be allowed to be a lawyer when she feels like this?”

When the question that the CA Bar Examiners are being asked is, “Should Applicant #123456 be allowed to be an attorney, based on her scores?”

I really should stop discriminating against myself.

I’m still here!

Hey y’all.

I’m still here, I swear. I’m just at my folks’ place in NV, spending time with them, studying for the Bar Exam, and being active on Facebook and Patients Like Me.

I’ve got a good post in the works, but I know it’s been a really long time since an update.

Just wanted to wave hello and let everyone know that I’m doing alright. 🙂

Hope you all are doing well too! 🙂