So, in my quest to pass the bar exam, I finally found a good bar tutor.

For better or for worse, he says that when I know my stuff, I’ve got it down. Good analysis, good writing, and all. It’s just a matter of performance — but when I think hard about something I can’t remember, every time, I have a seizure. He’s noticed it, and so has Adam.

And the harder I think, or the more I try to think about at once, the bigger the seizure.

It’s directly related to memory. And it hurts, literally. And when I come out of the ictal state, sometimes I’m in the right time-frame, and sometimes I’m not.

That really fucks up my studying when I’m doing active studying, which is what I really need to do if I’m going to pass.

Worse, it makes me not want to study at all because when it’s go time, I know that I can only count on myself to have big seizures if the answer doesn’t just pop straight into my head.

This means two things: 1.) I had better know my stuff COLD to make it less likely that I’ll stress myself out on the days of the test. 2.) Even if I know my stuff cold, if I have seizures during the test, it’s a coin-flip situation as to whether or not I’ll be able to perform day of.

It also means that while I want to still work with Rax, it is more stressful to do so because I’m doing different topics with him than I am with my tutor, so it feels like I’m spread out in a million (ok 4) different directions. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I don’t think that I’m studying effectively that way.

Gah, it can’t be about feelings. This is my future.

And I can’t focus for shit. I always feel behind and sick and confused and not good enough. I’m having trouble studying right now because every time I sit down to the books, I’m confronted with feelings of inadequacy and not of hope or excitement like when I started. It’s like I’ve forgotten why I started up this thing again and I want to back out of it when I should be feeling strong because I’ve been letting someone else tell me how I should be doing this – and instead of reviewing topics and then taking practice tests, I’ve just jumped right in. It’s like I haven’t even given myself a fighting chance, except to be wrong.

I know everyone keeps talking about active learning, and that writing out essays will really help me with active learning, and I’m gonna do that. Don’t get me wrong. But I really, really just need to just freakin memorize this stuff. Hardcore, word-for-word, memorize it.

I think I can memorize what I don’t already know in 30 days. I know most of it. The rest of it is detailing. Big picture, fortunately, I got down the first time. I just panicked in the test room, had a ton of seizures, and wrote poorly. It’s important that I not panic this go-round.

I am having the worst time about knowing the “right” thing to do with preparing that I am almost choked to inaction. At least something’s better than nothing. I’m writing up what I can, and am doing Adaptibar, and am reviewing notes and am listening to my recordings. I’m doing my best between seizures and naps. That’s all I can ask of myself.

Adam says the more I do it, the less scary it’ll be. Maybe I’ll get used to doing 3 essays a day eventually. 🙂 Then they won’t seem so scary.