I am a VERY Lucky Girl.

The only bad thing about e-cards is that they are not something you can look at over and over again like real cards. I should start a folder on my computer and just save em. Because I love when Adam sends me e-cards. They make me all warm and fuzzy inside. 🙂

I really have the best boyfriend I could ever ask for.

I am so lucky to have a man in my life who loves me as deeply as he does, who still, after everything we’ve gone through, sees me as an amazing woman who happens to have illnesses that affect her, and who reminds me of that just as easily.

I honestly wish I had even half the patience for myself that he has for me. Or, to be more accurate – I wish that I had half the patience with the limitations and restrictions on my freedom that occur because of my disabilities, and that I could consistently separate those disabilities from my opinion of my self-worth.

I’d go so far as to say that 95% of having good self-esteem while being disabled is knowing that the disability is just something you have to work around, and that the challenges you’re faced with because of the disability have no bearing on your goodness or worth as a person.

When I was first diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, Adam and Mom were in the room with me. The doc gave me the diagnosis, and my response was something along the lines of, “Great. What do we do to treat it or get rid of it?” The doctor loved my attitude. I didn’t cry or freak out from the very get go. I honestly think that at first it was harder on my mom than it was on me… probably because she knew more about what it meant… but it wouldn’t have changed my view on it. It took several hours for me to get scared, and several days to really feel sorry for myself.

The thing is, MS didn’t become some kind of really BAD thing in my life until the seizure disorder wrecked my ability to drive and do a lot of things for myself. When it became truly dis-ABLE-ing (misspelling intentional), I started really questioning my self-worth on a regular basis. I started thinking that because I couldn’t cook or clean as much as I used to that I was becoming a burden. I was suddenly dependent on Adam to bring me food and care for me in ways that I’d never had to depend on someone before, and obviously, that makes me an inferior partner, right? Wrong.

When it comes down to it, I do the best I can with what I have to work with – and what more can anyone ask of themselves? Sure, I’ve got MS and a seizure disorder… and I keep having random bad days where some days I’m only actively aware and awake for maybe 4-5 hours total, while having maybe 10 seizures per hour… but I’m still me.

I’m still preparing for the upcoming CA Bar Exam at the end of February. I’m still a crazy entertainment law geek who is maniacally following the NBC/Conan O’Brien debacle as it unfolds. I’m still writing a book for others with MS and am constantly looking for ways to make the absurd and sad parts of our lives seem somehow hilarious even to those of us who are stuck in the throws of self pity. I still keep up this blog as best I can. I still keep up with my friends online and on the phone. I still songwrite when I’m able, and I have never, EVER – and WILL never give up on life, even with suicidal ideation or compulsion that comes from medicine or old thought patterns that I do not like every once in a while. Oh, and I still play games and workout and watch movies and all the other stuff that I always liked doing — because that is what makes life worth living – enjoying yourself and working on things that make you feel like you contribute to the world at large.

When I look at myself objectively like that, knowing that I show Adam the kind of love that I do, how could he not love me as much as I love him? I’m still me!

I’m also crazy lucky because my parents have shown me an immense amount of support and love through this entire experience, and they continue to do so.

This weekend, Mom and Dad drove down because they knew how awful I was feeling. I had a stomach flu. (Yes, I had me a bucket.) Mom was hoping that some Mom-snuggles and time with Dad might make things a little better, and she was so right!

Unapologetically stolen/borrowed from http://www.icanhascheezburger.com

Having a support network of people who care about you can make all the difference in the world. That’s why I spend a lot of time on boards like Patients Like Me, the Swank Diet Board, and others.

I want to take this opportunity to offer myself up to you, Readers. Aside from just writing, I like having a relationship with the people who read me. Please feel to comment or email. I’m happy to offer whatever support and friendship I can for you as well. 🙂 We all have nuggets of truth about life to offer one another, and I’ve never regretted getting to know someone who shares my condition or even Epilepsy or a related seizure condition.

Hope you’re having a good day, and thanks for reading! 🙂

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