Fuck you, multiple sclerosis, for ruining my morning. For making me late with my studying, for making me question my worth as a person and as a partner, and for holding me back in life. I strive against you every day and you make life hard.
Fuck you for making me sick so often that the man I love doesn’t feel like he’s gotten to see what life is like “normal” with me, even after more than 4 years.
Fuck you for making “normal” a rollercoaster. Fuck you for the pins and needles in my feet and legs today, and for the tears that took 10 minutes to stop in a public library bathroom. Fuck you for 41% on MBEs yesterday, when I’ve studied.
Fuck you for existing, MS. Fuck you for making me a worse person than I would be without you.
I hate you. Do you HEAR ME, MS? I HATE YOU!!!!
I won’t LET you ruin my life.
And I know you won’t stop trying, so I can’t either.
Back to studying, for the numb-toed, teary-eyed, seizure girl who just had a fight with her perpetual boyfriend, because I won’t let you win.
You can try as much as you like, you backwards-thinking brain-eating disease, but my will to live and be happy – to make a difference in the world around me and to create – is greater than your ability to destroy me from the inside out.
So try as you like.
I defy you.