That subject line right there — that’s a warning to all you good folks out there as much as it is a reminder to me.

See, in my last post, I promised a better entry “tomorrow.” Well, “tomorrow” is now “yesterday” and, as you can see, there was no entry yesterday. I was too busy studying for the bar exam, a test full of fact patterns comprised of people making promises they didn’t keep.

And I probably should continue studying for that test right now.

Oh fart. There’s that word again. “Should.”

I will not “should” on myself this season. As soon as you start with the “I should be studying” talk, that’s when the unbearable mountain of stress starts.

Well, I will have none of that. I either will or will not study, and I either will or will not be prepared come test time. I prefer “will.” That’s why I started studying at 7 a.m., and why it’s reasonable that at 7:53 p.m., my brain is screaming “FOR GOD’S SAKE, NO MORE, WOMAN!!!”

I suppose there’s only so much information one can retain in a day anyway. I’ve certainly put in 8-10 full hours of work today. Since I haven’t eaten dinner, and I have work tomorrow morning, it probably wouldn’t be so bad to stop for now.

The thing about me and prepping for the exam is that I get absolutely obsessed and I never feel like I’m doing enough. I tend to get really down on myself, and I don’t cut my body any slack. I accidentally undernourish myself by forgetting to eat and drink. I get crabby with myself when I have seizures, and heaven help me if I need to take a nap! That’s almost a personal failure. And when I am smart enough to put alarms on my phone (like to take my pills), I somehow manage to work through them without hearing the alarms go off. I’m like a woman possessed!

Like today, once again, I forgot to call Shared Solutions to find out if they’re willing to help with my copay for Copaxone this year. I’m down to 1 week’s worth of medicine, which is frightening.

Again, I forgot to call Dr. Giesser’s office to schedule an appointment. I’m rich with MRIs and have no appointment. It’s ridiculous.

I had a small breakfast at 9:30 am and then forgot to eat lunch til 4:30 – and I just realized that Adam put up a bowl of soup for me before he went to Writer’s Group nearly an hour ago… and I forgot it was in the microwave because I was too busy doing multiple choice questions.

ALRIGHT! Let’s turn this around and look at things in a better light.

• Obviously, I’m motivated! 🙂
• I’m feeling better, or I wouldn’t be able to do this. (Triple hip hooray for that!)
• Taking 3mg of Melatonin at night seems to be helping IMMENSELY in the restful sleep department too, without adding any kind of unknown pharmaceutical to the mix. Big thumbs up there.
• Adam is awesome, and he made me easily reheatable soup, which is still/already in the microwave. Easy fix. Easy dinner. Almost already ready already. 🙂
• At least I’m upset with myself over the right things this time – like not taking care of my body from the get go, as opposed to berating myself for not knowing everything perfectly yet! I’m actually glad I fucked up so much on my MBEs today. Bad days on multiple choice now mean good grades later! That’s what studying is for!

As for health, today’s been great. I’ve only had 1 *real* seizure and a few brain farts. Haven’t been this good in I don’t know how long.

I’m sure part of it is due to working out on the Wii Fit. 🙂 I’m so glad I have something where I can work out for 2-5 minutes at a time, and fall back on the couch if I need to. I’d gift one of these to everyone with MS if I could. The balance games and yoga help me so much! Heck, even just the one where you do deep breathing and have to stay balanced while you breathe is helpful, believe it or not. Yeah, you read that right. The Wii Fit is helping me learn how to stand and breathe better.

Yes, there is a “better.” And I’m getting there. And not just because I sometimes need to be reminded to breathe… 🙂 Sometimes I also have to be reminded to eat and take my nighttime medicine, but not right now. Right now, I can do it all by myself. 😉