Little losses sometimes feel the biggest.

Tonight, I yelled at my mother because she asked, once again, for me to put her on my bank account.

She wanted this because she was, once again, going to be giving me money. This time, the gift money to pay for the Wii, and I was yelling at her because all I could think was that I am an adult and I don’t want my mommy watching how I spend my money or having any legal rights over it, when I’m putting my paychecks in… I was yelling because I didn’t want to give up the belief that I could manage my accounts self-sufficiently.

My mom is a wonderful woman who is incredibly caring and is doing everything she can to support me and care for me while I have to deal with this condition. She raised me well, and is honestly one of the most moral, honest, and trustworthy people I’ve ever met. She feels guilty when she doesn’t pay meters on Sunday, and she absolutely freaks out when anyone in the family admits to pirating anything. (This is particularly funny to me, since I studied entertainment and copyright law in depth in law school and know the likelihood of being prosecuted in federal court for downloading one or two songs is about as likely as winning the CA state lottery on your first ticket.) So it’s not that I don’t trust her. There’s no one I trust more.

It’s just that, it’s one thing to deal with the fact that there are times that I have to cave to MS, and it’s another to realize that someone else might need to take care of my accounts and business for me… and that, being 29 and not married, that job falls to my parents, or to an appointed agent. I could, alternatively, hire an accountant. You know, with all that extra scratch I’ve got lying around… that I’m getting from my big money job, and from Mom and Dad, if they could get it in my account. *lol*

Something about having to rely on my parents at this age feels like a failure to me, but I know that it’s not. It’s just how it is. My ex-husband fucked me over. I started fresh, and then got MS while I was good and broke in law school – and then got a seizure disorder. I’m lucky to have them to fall back on. Adding them to my account is the responsible thing to do, and when you have a disease that can cause you to end up in the hospital at a moment’s notice, being irresponsible to assuage your pride is not an option.

Of course, projecting your anger at your disease and loss of privacy onto your mother really isn’t a good one either. So, I’m going to stop blogging now, get on the phone, and apologize, like a good daughter should. Because I love my mom, and she deserves so much better than to be treated the way she was.

It’s just things like this that no one thinks about when they talk about becoming disabled. They talk about your body. They talk about movement. But they never talk about the hits you take to your pride as an adult. They never talk about your independence as a person, just your independence with mobility. Sometimes, I think MS is trying to crush my spirit. Bur really, it can fuck right off, because I love my momma, and I know she trusts me to make good decisions and won’t judge my spending habits.

I just wish I could have come to that conclusion a little faster than I could run off my mouth.

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