Setting the bar too high?

Just a quick note to let everyone know I haven’t dropped off the face of the planet.

I have a part-time job on Tuesdays and Fridays, but this week, I worked on Wednesday too. I’ve got a little bit of a head cold, and I haven’t really had time to think enough for a good entry.

I keep thinking about taking the bar exam again in February. But it’s a bad idea. But if I don’t do it now, I have to take the MPRE again, if I want my license. It makes it that much more unlikely that I’ll ever be an attorney because taking the Bar Exam is bad enough, but having to retake that test too is just ridiculous.

The moment I felt healthy again, I wanted to take the Bar Exam again, and I thought I could do it. The moment I got a head cold and felt unhealthy again, I thought I’d be ok, but wasn’t sure – then the MS symptoms kicked in, and I thought there was no way.

I mean, do I really want to try to take the test again in February while keeping a part-time job as a file clerk? How much of a superwoman do I have to be? What am I trying to prove? Is it that I can pass any test? Is it that I’m worthy to be an attorney? I don’t need a license to work with production companies or musicians doing the kind of work I want to do. I can be a manager or an agent or any other number of intermediaries. I just worked so hard for it. I want to see it through.

That’s just IT though… I *DID* see it through. I *TOOK* the test. For me, that *WAS* seeing it through. I spent 3 years working hard and I earned the J.D. That was my goal, and I did it. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to take the bar exam, but I decided to. Then I got hospitalized. TAKING THE TEST WAS THE GOAL, AND THE GOAL WAS COMPLETED!

If I’m honest with myself, I’m struggling at work right now. I had a HARD day today, and all I did was work on contacts and file things for 5 hours. My body is weak. My mind is slower than it used to be.

Is it that I won’t accept that I have limitations? Do I just like making myself miserable? Or do I really think I’m going to end up being one of those people who helps set up contracts for a movie or two or three and can afford to buy a house and send her kids to college?

IT’S WORTH THE WORK IF MY BODY WILL COOPERATE!!!

I just need to be as well as I was when I was in law school. And, in theory, this is just a stupid headcold. These zinc losenges should take care of it. I wouldn’t have quit law school because I got a headcold. If I can commit myself to 2 months of working on stuff I don’t like, I can have the future I worked hard towards for 4 years still. The only things standing in the way right now are fear about my health and my inadequacies, and my health and my inadequacies.

*takes a deep breath*

Thanks again, journal. You’ve helped me once again realize that I am more disabled by fear than I am by multiple sclerosis.

I’d be foolish not to give it another shot in February. If I could do it before, I definitely can do it again. I just need to find a way to manage the stress better this time.

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